Haven’t done one of these in a while, and I just got one of the more common ones, so I thought I’d have some fun with it.
Beloved in Christ,
(Always a nice way to start off a mail to an atheist.)
With your attention, i know that this letter will come to you as a surprise, for the fact that we do not know each other before now. But be rest assured that this is coming as a good proposal even if we never met. I believe firmly that a true confidence can be born from our communication and thus support a true partnership between us. It is with good intention that i am contacting you.
(Yeah uh…, nice to meet you too…I think, if that’s indeed what you were trying to say with all of these poorly phrased and badly organized sentences.)
I am Mrs. Jenny Smith, a citizen of New Zealand I have been diagnosed with cancer of the breast and the lungs it has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live.
(Man, that must be some serious ass Chuck Norris type cancer if it not only defied treatment, but defiled it as well. A few months to live huh? Have you thought about what you’re going to do with your vast fortune?)
I have spent all I have on this illness and now, I am left with Nothing except this fund ($18.000.000.00(Eighteen Million United States Dollars) my late husband kept in two safe deposits. I will want you to help me receive this fund and dispatch it to victims of natural disasters ,women with breast cancer and ophanages in your country.
(Oh, I see you have thought about it. By the way, I can read numbers. You didn’t have to spell it out, capitalizing every word for me to get it. Sorry about your husband by the way. Must be tough…newlyweds and all. How are you holding up? Anyway, I don’t understand something here. You want me to help you receive the fund and dispatch it? Isn’t it your fund? Why would you have to receive it? Oh I see, you mean you need me to pick it up from the bank for you. Sure, I can do that. Just tell me where to pick it up. Naturally I’ll go alone so I don’t raise any suspicions. I mean, it would look crazy suspicious if both of us went to pick it up now, wouldn’t it? I promise I’ll pick it up and head straight to your home so we can start dispatchin’ that cash right away. Really…I promise. Seriously. You can trust me. I’m beloved in Christ, remember?)
I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared For anyone (not even myself) but my business. Though I am rich, But Now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than Just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.
(In other words, you spent your youth boozin’ it up and whoring yourself around, and you finally turned enough tricks to get rich. Wait a minute. Is this Ke$ha? Am I being punk’d?)
I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I Would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God Has called me, I have willed and given most of my properties and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as few close Friends.
(Wait, didn’t you say you still had $18,000,000(Eighteen Million United States Dollars)? I guess you were rich if you gave most of it away and still have eighteen million left. My god, they must have named free clinics and liquor stores after you! You were a hard working girl, weren’t you?)
I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give also to poor and less privileged ones across the globe such as Victims of Katrina in New Orleans and Tsunami victims in South East Asia as My contribution to man kind, as I want this to be one of the last good Deeds I do on earth. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.
(Yeah, it’s really hard to sign a check now isn’t it. All that writing and stuff.)
I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to Orphanages in Asia and South America; they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not Trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have Left for them.
(I think you mean contented. Oh, and by the way, THOSE BASTARDS! How dare they take money that was intended for those poor little orphans! You can rest assured that I’ll take your money and distribute it to orphans hanging out on the streets all over America. They usually charge anywhere between $10 and $50, and I get to spend a whole hour with each one, just to make sure they’re doing ok and living up to the standards you yourself have set as an example. Praise be to you and your generous heart…which I can’t seem to find behind all that cancer, but I’m sure it’s there somewhere!)
I will advice that you let me know your term of compesation for Assisting for the distribution of these funds. I will give you the contact information of the courier company also in England when you write back.
(Compensation? The heck you say! Helping those poor, street walking orphans is compensation enough! But, since I see you feel the need to compensate me in some way, how about buying me a red Ferrari. Then I’ll move to Hawaii, grow a big, bushy mustache, get myself a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap and travel around the island solving mysteries and making women fall in love with me. See if you can find me some pissy guy to live with who’ll take care of the place and has a couple of dobermans we can use as guard dogs as well. Oh, and I’ll need a couple of friends too. One larger sized black guy, prefereably one who can fly a helicopter, and one little Italian guy who’s good with women and knows how to run a club. I think that’ll about cover it. Now…let’s get started! Where’s them orphans???)
Evng. Jenny Smith.
(Duane L. Martin)(Current Mood: amused)