This one’s more involved…
Again, my comments are in parentheses.
Subject: PAYMENT VIA WORLD BANK AFRICAN REGION
(Woohoo! I was waiting for that payment to come through! Now I can buy a slurpee, after which I’ll have to take a regular pee.)
WORLD BANK AFRICAN REGION.
FUND TRANSFER/VERIFICATION DEPARTMENT
(Oh good, that sounds totally legit. I was worried this might be a scam mail for a minute.)
FROM THE DESK OF MR.SMITH WALTERS
HEAD OF FOREIGN OPERATION
WORLD BANK AFRICAN REGION
(Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants. I’m writing to you from my computer desk. I have a head, but I’m not foreign. As for region, I think most of my movies are Region 1, though I do have a few other regions thrown in here and there.)
(Listening. My name’s not Ben though, it’s Duane.)
We, the entire members of the Federal House of Senate, on behalf of the Federal Republic of Nigerian Government, under the auspices of the civilian Head of State, President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan and the Head of Foreign Operation Mr. Smith Walters including the British Prime Minister in conjunction with U.S.A GOVERNMENT, UNITED NATION ORGANIZATION…
(Ok, seriously? It took all those people to decide to give me some money? You guys really need to work on your organizational structure.)
…held a meeting last week concerning debt payment, both foreign and local contractors and some inheritance funds.
(Debt payments and inheritance? Which is it? Now I’m confused.)
In that meeting we reach out that you have given this irrevocable approval order with Release Code: GNC/3480/02/00 in your favor for your contract entitlement/ payment with the UNITED NATIONS to your destination.
(What does that even mean? Is that your fancy way of saying, “Egg management fee”?)
I wish to bring to your kind/urgent notice that we have received your approved payment of your amount valued at USD$10.5M from the Federal Government of Nigeria under the auspices of the British Government for an immediate payment to you.
(Oh awesome! I’d like it in pennies please. New ones though, not the old skanky ones that have turned all green and stuff.)
Your name appeared in our payment schedule list of beneficiaries that will receive their funds in this first quarter payment of the year…
(No! I said I wanted it in pennies damn it! Quarters suck. They’re not soft when you roll around naked in them like pennies are.)
…because you have been contacted severally…
(Severally? Now you’re just being silly.)
…and you payment has been billed through various mediums and we are very sorry you have not been able to receive your funds up till now.
(Tell you what. You send me my pennies, and I’ll send you a grammar book. Deal?)
Now your new Payment, United nation Approval No; UN5685P, White House Approved No: WH44CV, Reference No.-35460021, Allocation No: 674632 Password No: 339331, Pin Code No: 55674 and your Certificate of Merit Payment No: 103, Released Code No: 0763; Immediate World Bank Telex confirmation No: -1114433; Secret Code No: XXTN013.
(Wouldn’t it have been easier to just say, “Dear Mr. Benny (still not my name), we’re going to send you a buttload of pennies.” As soon as my eyes hit the first number they crossed and I totally blanked out the rest.)
Your payment has been approved by all International monetary bodies all over the world and you are to receive your funds with immediate effect after due documentation.
Be informed that the World Bank has taken care of all aspect of the Documentations and International approval.
(Whooooooo dawgies! Well that’s right neighborly of ya. Thank ye kindly!)
Please as a matter of urgency send to us a following details to enable finalize your payment:
(1) Full names.
(Uh, I only have one. It’s not even that hard to remember. Why did you keep calling me Benny whatever?)
(2) Address, city, state and country.
(3) Direct mobile/ phone /fax.
(4) International passport or Driven license.
(My passport expired. I guess my driver’s license did too since it’s now apparently a “driven” license.)
(5) Company name (if any) position and address
(I’m currently working for “Unemployed Schmuck Ltd.” Address is in front of my computer in my underwear at 10 a.m.)
(6) Profession, age and marital status
(I’m not sure what the technical term is for my profession. What’s it called when someone sits on their ass all day doing nothing? Age: 40. Marital status: It’s complicated. – (Facebook joke.)
You are advised in your own interest and for the safety of your funds to desist from any further communication with any other official or persons concerning this payment.
(Mum’s the word. Now, where are my damn pennies?)
We await your immediate response.
(Well, now you don’t have to wait any longer. Waiting’s overrated anyway.)
Mr. Smith Walters
Head of Foreign Operation
World Bank African Region.
(Funny, that doesn’t sound like a Nigerian name. What happened to Mr. Osagiowaduwa? He was so nice to deal with. He never did send me my money though.)(Current Mood: amused)