B-Movie Central Cheese Blog

I forgot to do a post about the judges like I said I was going to, so here it is…

Randy: Talks like a cartoon character version of a rapper, which isn’t surprising since most rappers are nothing more than cartoon characters with cartoon character names anyway. I mean christ, do you really expect people to take you seriously when the first words out of your mouth every time you speak are “yo dawg”, “yo yo”, or “yo yo yo”? Watch Randy carefully over time and you’ll notice a pattern with him. He’s always a lot harder on the white contestants than he is on the black ones, and when he likes the black ones he always goes way over the top with his praise, while his praise for the white contestants is more subdued. Something else that bothers me about him is that he can never seem to separate himself from the original song and just judge these people on the merits of their individual performance. He’s always comparing them to the original, which just isn’t fair. Lastly, I’m sick of hearing what a great singer Stevie Wonder is. Stevie Wonder isn’t that great of a singer. He’s got a high pitched, whiny, nasaly voice that really grates on your nerves the longer you listen to it. So when someone sings a Steve Wonder song, stop bitching at them Randy, because I guarantee they’re less annoying than the real deal.

Paula: I actually like Paula. She always tries to be positive and attempts to make comments that are helpful to the contestants from time to time, but damn, you can see how the pain medications have really gotten to her. There’s a lot of rumors going around that she’s been drinking a lot or whatever. It’s not widely publicized, but a while back I read that she suffers from a chronic pain disorder and has to take medications to deal with it. Unfortunately, her ability to speak clearly, concisely and coherently have been degraded by the meds…or whatever else is going on…and I think it’s probably time she stopped doing the show and spent more time taking care of herself. Her health and well being are far more important than this show, and until or unless she can get herself better somehow, she’s not really helping anyone, including herself. I’d love to see her deal with things and come back strong though, because she really is a great part of the show and it’d be sad to see her go permanently. She has her good days and bad days, and it’s clear to see that if you watch the show. I’d just like to see her take care of herself so all of her days can be good ones.

Simon: While I don’t always agree with Simon, I believe he gives honest, genuine opinions, and is the least biased of the three. His “nose in the air sarcastic British wit” is quite fun to watch, but some people just don’t get his honesty and actually dislike him for it. He’s doing these people a favor by being honest with them. He’s not doing it to be mean or out of spite. He’s trying to help them improve themselves…or to stop deluding themselves as the case may be.

In any event, Randy is biased both racially and in relation to the song as it was performed by the original artist, Paula is biased with regards to trying to find good things to say about people while whitewashing over the bad, and Simon is just plain ol’ honest, even though he can be overly critical on small points now and then.

Is it possible to find three completely impartial judges? No. everyone has their biases, but you need to fight through them if you want to be a good judge and be taken seriously. Of the three, Simon does the best job of that and if the contestants are smart, they’ll listen to everything he has to say. Is he right all the time? No. But the fact is, much of the time he is, and the contestants should absorb what he says, pick out the things that they feel are good points, and act on them. It’s only to their benefit.

So that’s it. Not an overly important post, but I had nothing else to do so I thought I’d write something up.

Well another one is gone. Tonight it was Chris Sligh. It’s cool though because the chubby guy “trying” to be funny all the time thing was really wearing thin. That plus several performances where his timing was off really led up to his leaving. It’s a good thing too, because I just noticed tonight that he looks like a thumb head. Seriously. If you hold your thumb up over his face, you can’t even tell the difference. Put some glasses on your thumb and it’s like you’re in the same room with him. Anyway, I say it’s a good thing he’s gone, because from now on when I see him, that’s all I’m gonna think is that he looks like a thumb head…in a bad wig.

All I got left to say is, I’d like to get Gina and Jordin and make a “me” sandwich. Oh god they’re yummy.

Anyway, new South Park is on and the commercials are almost over so I gotta go. Until next time…

Ok, so it’s all over now. Traci Bingham won, which pleases my groin area to no end for some strange reason. I’m sure you can figure out why if you try really hard.

But what did we really learn from watching this show? Here’s a list of things I learned:

VH1 doesn’t care about these people or how bad it makes them feel or look as long as they get ratings out of it.

Andrea Lowell can be really annoying and bitchy when she wants to be.

Verne Troyer can be a little bitch, but he can also be a sensitive little bitch when the situation calls for it.

Chyna Doll seems to have cleaned herself up a lot. In the surreal life she was on she seemed to be drugged out or drunk most of the time.

Brigitte Nielsen got old and annoying. What a pain in the ass she was. She was annoying enough on Flavor of Love, but man…I just can’t stand seeing her anymore. She always looks like she’s been baking out in the sun or something.

CC DeVille is just too nice of a guy to get stuck on these kinds of shows.

Pepa is still lookin’ fine and she comes off as a nice, honest, thoughtful person.

Emmanuel Lewis still looks like a cuddly little kid even though he’s like my age. Unfortunately, he left the show and went back to his quiet life of obscurity, suffering the same fate so many other child actors have had to endure.

Ron Jeremy is…well…he’s just Ron. You can’t help but like him.

Traci Bingham is one of the hottest women on the planet. My god she gives me happy pants!

Rob Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice) is one of the biggest ass holes on the planet and needs a damn good ass kickin’ and a few lessons about life and proper behavior in the civilized world.

No matter how famous you are, it doesn’t make you a better person or more worthy of respect than the next guy.

And last, but not least… Was Inga really the hottest chick VH1 could come up with for the Back to Reality games? That girl had the most annoying accent ever and looked like she should have been on Celebrity Fit Club rather than this show. Maybe Harvey could whip that marshmallow body of hers into shape.

So now that it’s over, I find myself really hoping that VH1 will just do another normal Surreal Life, because this show was just degrading to everyone involved. It lacked all the fun of the normal Surreal Life shows and was just painful at times to watch. Oh, and a little side note to VH1. Stop making reality shows about fu**ed up celebrities. We don’t need to see how messed up the lives of people like Tom Sizemore and Danny Bonnaducci are. The only one of these shows that has been any good is Dice Undisputed, but that’s mostly because I’ve always liked Dice. He seems like he’d be hilarious to hang out with, and it’s not all messed up like those other guys. He’s just Dice trying to make a comeback. I really hope that works out for him.

Oh, and I don’t f’ing love New York thank you very much. She’s a low class crazy bitch and had no business getting her own show. Her show has been little more than a mindless shadow of Flavor of Love, and should have never seen the light of day. Come on VH1, what’s next? The Omarosa and Janice Dickinson Comedy Hour? Jeez…

Oh, and PUHLEASE no more seasons of Hogan Knows Best. I can’t take another season of Hogan hobbling around treating people like crap and dominating his kids’ lives. The only person on that entire show that’s tolerable is Brooke. She’s pretty, sweet and talented with a great personality. Sadly, her talent is wasted doing crappy music that’s WAY beneath her, but oh well. The show has generally been annoying from start to finish, so please just end it already.

At least they’re doing another season of Celebrity Fit Club. Harvey’s the man, and that psychologist chick they got on there is incredibly beautiful. Last season was kind of a bust because of all the jerky ass people they had on there, so hopefully this next one will be a lot better. I just hope they don’t get Wendy the Snapple lady back on there. Two go arounds with her was enough.

Anyway, I was bored, so I just thought I’d do a post about the VH1 reality stuff. I don’t know what I’ll pull out of my ass to write about next. You’ll have to check back now and then to see.

I honestly never had any interest in American Idol until last year. When my wife Sharon and I got into it, we found ourselves entering it around the time they were whittling away at the top 24, knocking it down to the top 12.

Last year’s Idol was special. Why? Because of the personalities of the contestants. These were people you actually liked and cared about, and you could see that they liked and cared about each other. They were all talented and did a spectacular job with their songs. It was just fun to watch them. It was like watching kids grow up.

This year, none of that exists. There’s only a few of the contestants that have good personalities, and the only one who has the personality and image of an idol is Gina. Jordin comes in a close second, but Gina is the real standout as far as image goes. As for the rest…who cares? As far as I’m concerned, make Gina and Jordin the next 1st and 2nd place idols and let’s move on. Yes I know Melinda and Lakisha are better singers technically, but they just don’t have the image or the personalities to do anything with it if they actually win. They would be forgotten as soon as the show ended and likely never heard from again.

So why has Idol turned into such a suck-fest? Well a lot of it has to do with Simon, Paula and Randy taking the wrong people through the tryouts and then compounding that error by letting sucky ones make it through Hollywood while good ones were dropped like a week old pancake with fuzzies growing on it.

What follows is simply my opinion about the people involved in the show this year. You can agree or disagree or not care at all, but this is what I think…

Gina Glocksen: She is by far my favorite of the group. Why? Because she’s a smokin’ hot rocker chick and we definitely need more of that in the music industry today. We don’t need more lame ass R&B “artists” who couldn’t sing their way out of a nutsack unless they were computerized and pitch corrected all to hell. Gina’s the real deal. She can sing her ass off and she’s great on stage and I’ll be voting for her every single week until it’s over. She’s also got a really great, endearing personality. Oh, and by the way…did I mention she’s hot as hell? :drool:

Jordin Sparks: Again, she’s super talented, very sweet, very endearing and hot as hell. Jordin and Gina are the only two contestants who have what it takes to take the Idol thing and run with it. Almost every week I have the feeling that the judges have been pushing her aside in their race to gush over Melinda and Lakisha, and that’s just wrong. This girl is hella talented. I’ll be voting for her too.

Melinda Doolittle: Does this chick even have a neck? Every time I see her she’s wearing shoulder pad earmuffs and smiling like some little kid who just saw a naked person for the first time. Ok, you’re humble, we get it. Now stop acting like an embarrassed little kid, grow a neck and start acting like you know how talented you are. The whole embarrassed at praise thing is getting really friggin’ old. Yeah she’s talented as hell, but she doesn’t have the image or the personality to do a damn thing with her career if she won this contest.

Haley Scarnato: This chick gets a raw deal in my opinion…at least to a point. People have been ripping on her about that giant thing growing off to the side of her upper lip. Honestly, I don’t think it’s that bad. I mean, I don’t sit there and stare at it like I’m waiting for it to sprout tentacles or something. Lots of people have a mole there, and judging her simply on that fact is shallow to say the least. So all you people who have complained about it, get over it. As for her talent and persona, she seems like a sweet girl, and she can sing, but the problem is, she doesn’t have the kind of a personality or image that makes you remember her. When I think of Idol, I get 5 people popping into my head instantly. The three judges, Gina and Jordin. If you want to be an Idol, you have to put yourself out there and really go for it. Haley’s never going to make it. I can totally see her ended up a middle-aged mom with two or three kids, a husband, a dog and a white picket fence somewhere down the road. I just don’t see her making it as an idol. Forgetting the words to her song last week didn’t help either.

Lakisha Jones: I can’t look at Lakisha without thinking about how funny it would be watching her eat mashed potatoes and shooting the spuds out through that gap in her front teeth. Lakisha’s problem isn’t that she can’t sing. It’s that she looks like she’s somewhere else whenever anyone talks to her. I’ve seen wet cardboard that has more personality than her. Not becoming for an Idol wannabe, and that’s all she’ll ever be unless she does some serious work on her personality.

Stephanie Edwards: Stephanie who? I swear to god, I watch every week, and for some reason I can never remember her performances. It’s like they didn’t happen at all. It’s pretty scary actually. Almost like I zone out whenever she’s on and fly off to my little happy place where I have lots of food, women, iced coffee and dogs that love to play frisbee. Then she stops singing and I get yanked back to reality feeling pretty empty inside. From what I can piece together, she’s a good singer, but incredibly forgettable.

Blake Lewis: Did seem kinda cool at first, but now he’s just annoying. He’s a decent singer but I think the beat box thing knocked something loose in his head. People are speculating that he might be gay. I don’t know if he is or not, but I’m sure Sanjaya could probably tell you. Anyway, he got old really quick and has no survivability as an Idol.

Chris Richardson: Now this guy fell straight from heaven…right after the trailer he was living in got flipped up by a tornado and tossed him ass over tea kettle down to the Idol auditions. Seriously, what trailer park did this guy crawl out of? His hair looks like a spray on truck bed liner and his singing is the most mind-numbingly nasal crap I’ve ever heard. When he’s on stage he moves around like he’s having some kind of a seizure, and every time I see him I keep hoping I’ll have the Stephanie amnesia. Fortunately, I do, but unfortunately, not as often as I have it with Stephanie. They say he looks like Justin Timberlake. Well I can’t stand Justin Timberlake either. So there!

Phil Stacey: I said the guy looks like E.T.. My wife said he looks like Nosferatu. I think she’s more on the mark with that, but in any case, he’s pretty annoying. Grow some damn hair and cover up them funky ears already. The bald thing just ain’t workin’ for ya. Some people have the right head shape to be bald, and some don’t. He don’t. He’s a pretty good singer though, but a mere shadow of what Chris Daughtry was last year.

Brandon Rogers: Completely uninspired…and now gone. So I don’t need to comment any more on him.

Chris Sligh: The funny fat guy thing works for him, and he’s a hell of a good singer, but there’s something annoying about him that I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it’s the fact that if you cut off his legs he’d look like a Weeble? I dunno. Anyway, he is definitely the best singer among the guys though, and as far as they guys go, he deserves to be there the longest.

Sanjaya Malakar: Or should we call him Sangaya? I mean really, is there any doubt? Not that it matters, but still… He’s like a mini-half Indian version of Michael Jackson…only without the talent. He looks really uncomfortable on stage, and most especially during the voting results, probably due to the fact that he knows he doesn’t belong there, he can’t dance and his singing is uninspired at best. The only reason he’s been there this long is because Howard Stern is telling people to vote for him because he’s trying to show that he has so much power that he can get people to vote for the worst person on Idol. I feel bad for Sanjaya. I was really pulling for him early on and he seems like a completely nice and totally sweet guy, but he just doesn’t measure up to some of the others. On the other hand, I’d watch him 24 hours a day before I’d watch Chris Richardson even walk out on the stage. Hopefully Sanjaya will come out of this without too much harm. He just wanted a chance, and he’s gotten beaten up over it week after week. Not cool.

Anyway, that’s my thoughts on the top 12. My next post will be about the judges.

JERUSALEM — The Israeli ambassador to El Salvador has been recalled after he was found drunk, naked and bound in sexual bondage gear in his yard, an official said Monday. Tsuriel Raphael has been removed from his post and the Foreign Ministry has begun searching for a replacement, said spokeswoman Zehavit Ben-Hillel. Two weeks ago, El Salvador police found Raphael naked outside his residence, tied up, gagged and drunk, Israeli media reported. He was wearing several sex toys at the time, the media said. After he was untied, Raphael told police he was the ambassador of Israel, the reports said. The British Broadcasting Corp. reported that he could identify himself to police only after a rubber ball had been removed from his mouth. Ben-Hillel said the reports were accurate and that Raphael has been recalled, although he did not break any laws. “We’re talking about behavior that is unbecoming of a diplomat,” she said. The ambassador did not file a police complaint in the incident, she said. Raphael had served for six months as the ambassador in El Salvador and for several years at different missions around the world, she said. The embarrassing affair was one of several involving Israeli diplomats in recent years. In 2000, Israel’s ambassador to France died of cardiac arrest in a Paris hotel under circumstances the Foreign Ministry refused to publicize. Media reports said he was with a woman who was not his wife at the time. Last year, Israel replaced its ambassador to Australia, Naftali Tamir, after he said Israel and Australia are “like sisters” because both are located in Asia and their peoples don’t have the Asian characteristics of “yellow skin and slanted eyes.” In 2005, Israel canceled the appointment of a diplomat to Australia after it was discovered that he published pictures of nude Brazilian women on the Internet while on a mission in Brazil.

Jeez, you see stuff like this happening in comedy shows, but you never expect to see it happen for real. Especially with someone who’s a diplomat and such. I found this particularly funny because my wife is from Israel and I’ve been there a couple times myself, so I’m familiar with the culture and what not. This kind of stuff seems to go on more than most people would think. Their president just had to step down recently for raping some women. I chalk it all up to sexual repression. Religious people are always trying to get people to repress their sexuality, and then it eventually comes to a head like this. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with being into bondage and such. So why make a big deal out of it? Just let the guy go on doing his job like he has been. He’s not hurting anyone. And while it may be funny, it’s certainly nothing to be shocked over. Whatever gets people off is cool in my book, as long as they’re not hurting anyone, then it’s no one’s business what they do. Some religious types my try to claim it’s deviant behavior, but you know what? It’s not. Anything that gets you off is normal for you. It doesn’t have to be the norm for anyone else. It’s normal for you, and sexuality is an individual thing. People should stop judging others over what they do in the bedroom and focus more on themselves and improving themselves as individuals.

So I say let this guy keep his job, and if anyone gets out of line down there in El Salvador, he can tie them up, stick a rubber ball gag in their mouth and beat some manners into them!

ATLANTA — Two Georgia men survived a gruesome suicide attempt Friday after cutting their own arms off with a saw, reported Atlanta’s Journal Constitution. The 40 and 41-year-old men managed to remove three of their four arms, cutting them about six inches above their wrists, Atlanta Police Major Lane Hagin told the Journal. The men left a suicide note with the manager of their apartment building saying they were killing themselves because they were recently diagnosed with HIV and their business had failed, according to police. The men are in stable condition at a local hospital and will undergo psychiatric tests, a police spokesman said.

Now I do have to give these guys points for originality, but finding out you’re HIV positive and then choosing a way to commit suicide that will spew the most blood possible short of blowing yourself up is just a massively jerky and inconsiderate thing to do. These scumbags should have considered all the poor people that were going to have to come clean up the mess and deal with their infected blood. Too bad they didn’t at least finish the job. I mean jeez you idiots, slam down a few bottles of sleeping pills or something. Do it clean instead of making a massive mess out of it that could potentially infect someone else. Now they’re going to undergo psychiatric tests and what not. That’s a waste of time. I can psychoanalyze them just from reading this story. They’re idiots, and they’re freakin’ nuts. There, that’ll be 150 bucks please. Oh, and on your way out, ask my nurse to come in. I haven’t had my nooner yet.

EAU CLAIRE, Wis. —  Attempts to do a movie stunt landed one man in the hospital with burned genitals and another facing criminal charges. The men were trying to do a stunt from one of the “Jackass” movies, in which a character lights his genitals on fire. Jared W. Anderson, 20, suffered serious burns to his hands and genitals, according to the criminal complaint. Randell D. Peterson, 43, who sprayed lighter fluid on Anderson and lit him on fire, was charged with felony battery and first-degree reckless endangerment Tuesday in Eau Claire County Court. Witnesses told police that Anderson, who was drunk, volunteered to do the stunt Sunday after watching the movie, the complaint said. According to the complaint: Anderson pulled down his pants and let Peterson spray him with lighter fluid. When the fire didn’t catch, Peterson sprayed more lighter fluid on Anderson, splashing some on his clothing. He tried again to light the fire, catching Anderson’s genitals, hands and clothes. Anderson ran into the bathroom, jumped into the tub and put the flames out. Other guests took him to Luther Hospital, and eventually he was treated at the Regions Hospital Burn Unit in St. Paul, Minn., for second-degree burns. Anderson told police who were called to the hospital that he didn’t want anyone to get in trouble because of the stunt. Peterson was freed on a $2,000 signature bond. He has a hearing scheduled April 16. If convicted, he faces up to 10 years in prison.

Oh man, that was just WAY too good to pass up.  I never cease to be amazed at the stupid stuff people will do to themselves, although it would have been even stupider if they hadn’t been drunk.  I don’t think they should charge that one guy with anything though since the other guy did it willingly.