B-Movie Central Cheese Blog

I always knew there was something messed up about Saddam Hussein, and I finally figured out why he ended up the way he did. Take a look at this picture of him as a kid. What do you see? Does he look like someone or something you’ve seen before? Look hard now.

For those of you who can’t figure it out, I’ll tell you. Saddam Hussein was a sea monkey! Think about those classic sea monkey ads you saw as a kid, and then take a good look at this picture here. Someone dumped out a bowl of sea monkeys and one of them lived, so they raised it on dry land and stuck a wig on it.

How many times did we see his hairy sea monkey ass swimming in the sea. He loved doing that, and now we know why. His bio says he was born in the village of Uja near Tikrit. Now I don’t know, but Uja sounds like a sea monkey word to me. Maybe it’s sea monkeyish for “little aquarium” or something similar. In any case, there must have been some nasty stuff in that water to make him turn out the way he did. But it’s all over now. His sea monkey neck got a good stretchin’ today, and the world’s better off for it.

Here’s a few more…

A good fart or belch after you eat that makes you feel way less stuffed.

Good, solid, uninterrupted sleep.

A nice evening sitting on the deck smoking cigars, drinking iced coffee and playing cards.

Seeing jerks and idiots get what they deserve.

Finding $40 on the floor at the checkout stand at Wal Mart. (Yes this actually happened to me the other day!)

Having a good book to read.  (Currently reading my favorite book, The Complete Sherlock Holmes, which is every Sherlock Holmes story ever written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.)

Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce, who will forever be burned into my mind as Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, as they were the two most perfect people to ever play those roles.

Heat blowing on you from a portable heater or a hair dryer while you’re curled up under a blanket falling asleep.

Having a wife who doesn’t make you help her clean the guinea pig cage.

Roll-up pancakes.  Kinda like crepes, only thicker and probably better tasting.  You put either butter and sugar or jelly on them and then roll them up and eat them.  One of my favorite breakfasts!

Waking up at 3am to find your wife gasping by the open window for breath because you’ve made the air thick with green acid farts in your sleep. (Yes, that really happened and it was hilarious.  She fed me roast with home made barbeque sauce that night and I drank apple juice with it.  A deadly combination indeed!)

That’s enough for now.

Remember when you were a kid and all you could think about on Christmas morning was jumping off the couch and doing a swan dive into the pile of presents Santa brought you?  I was that kid, and I’m sure most if not all of you were too.  It really is funny how things change though as you get older.

This year our financial situation, which is worse than most people realize or understand, only allowed us to buy gifts for my family.  My wife and I couldn’t even buy gifts for each other, though we did buy each of our dogs a toy and a bag of rawhide bones for them and they were really happy when we gave them to them.

We didn’t have a tree, or lights or in fact anything in our lives that made it even remotely feel like Christmas this year except for one little tiny tree with fiber optic lights and the three toys we wrapped up for our dogs.

Yesterday we went out to my parent’s house and spent the day with them, my sister, my nieces, and  my niece’s fiance.  Although we weren’t able to get each of them as much as I would have liked, we did get them some nice small gifts that they all seemed to like.  We had a lot of great food and the whole day was just really nice.

My father’s not in the best of health anymore and he’s not getting any younger.  His knees are shot and he’s had a variety of health issues in the last year or two.  Every time I see him now it breaks my heart to see how his body has deteriorated on him.  This man who used to be so young and strong, now getting old and weak as his body seems to be an endless source of pain for him.  He fought in the Korean war, which caused him hearing loss that has gotten progressively worse over the years, and after he came back he got married, had three children, and busted his ass, going without the things he wanted, just to make sure that we all had the things we wanted.  He did a lot of physically hard work, including construction which has led to many of the arthritis problems he’s having now.  These problems keep him in his chair sleeping a lot because he physically can’t be very active because of the pain anymore.

So I look at this man who I never appreciated the way I should have when I was young, but who, as I became an adult, I came to see as a genuine hero, and I realize that being with the ones you love and making sure you love and appreciate them the way they deserve is more important than money or presents or decorations or anything else in this world.

My mother was always our foundation.  She was a stay at home mom and she was always volunteered at school and worked with us, taught us, helped us with everything and was always there for us, just like my father was.  Fortunately, her health is considerably better than my father’s and she’s still going strong.

Being with them and realizing that the time I have with them is so precious, makes everything else seem supremely unimportant.  There aren’t any presents or decorations or any amount of money that will ever make the feeling of loss go away when they’re gone someday, and that really puts it all in perspective.  I mean, sure it’s nice to be able to give the people you love nice presents for Christmas, and to get nice presents in return, but the best present of all that anyone could ever ask for is to just be with the ones you love.  Without that, you have nothing.

I’m so fortunate to have my beautiful wife Sharon, my family, our doggies, and everything else that I have in my life.  As long as I have those things, I’m the richest man who ever lived, and I hope they all know how much I love and appreciate having them in my life.

I know I bitch a lot, but I’m going to start occasionally posting little tidbits of things that I think rule.

So here’s a small list to get started:

Girls who french kiss other girls and then grab a guy to join in.

Mute buttons to silence those annoying, loud ass commercials.

Dogs. Nothing but fuzzy little balls of love. Dogs are just the best.

Three day weekends.

Having a bunch of gas so that when you crap you can blow all the turds out instead of having one little piece stuck just on the other side of the hole that keeps you wiping for like three flushes just to get yourself clean.

Big screen TV’s.

Reno 911. Awesome show. Can’t wait for the movie!

Christmas bonuses. My wife’s saved our financial asses this year.

Big Tax returns.

DVDs. Especially classic and cult films. Most of the stuff out of Hollywood sucks. I’m just happy to have a great collection of classics and silent films that would have otherwise been forgotten.

Computers blogs and the internet. Because they give me a place to collect porn and bitch about stuff.

All meat pizza from Papa Murphy’s with black olives instead of ground beef. Yum!

That’s enough for now. I’ll post more as they occur to me. There are lots more things out there.

And why? Because she flashed her tits at a party years ago. BIG FREAKIN’ DEAL!!! Christ, times change. Like I said, you can’t expect these girls to have always been puritanical nuns all their lives just to win some stupid crown. Grow the hell up people!

So she lost her crown. Ok, so why do I care? Well normally I wouldn’t, but all the stuff being said right now is really pissing me off. On Fox and Friends they just had people calling in to answer the question about whether or not she should lose her crown. Basically, a bunch of religious, puritanical hypocrites called in all totally appalled by her behavior and what not and insisting with almost religious fervor that she should lose her crown because she’s a bad role model for young girls.

Why does this piss me off so bad?

First of all because religious, moralistic hypocrites piss me off in general. That’s a well known fact by anyone who reads my blog. But it also pisses me off for two other reasons. First, just because she won Miss America, she shouldn’t be expected to become a nun. She’s a young girl and has every right to go out and have fun and party and do what she wants. I mean, how many people would even know she’s Miss America unless she shouted it out to the whole room right before she projectile vomited from the bar. And even then, people would probably just think she was some drunk chick being a loudmouth. Seriously, can you name any of the Miss Americas in the last ten or twenty years? No? There’s a reason for that. No one cares anymore.

The second reason it pisses me off is because people are whining about her being a bad role model for young girls. Um, how many young girls actually know who Miss America is? These girls’ role models tend to be idiot pop stars and Hollywood actresses, not Miss America. So who exactly is Miss America a role model for? And why should she be expected to stop being human, with all the behaviors and activities that young women like her normally participate in?

The whole Miss America thing is completely antiquated and should either be ended completely or heavily modified so the young women who participate in it aren’t expected to become something they’re not just to win a title.

Oh well, the world is full of stupid people, and this is just another example of that. We could sure use a healthy dose of Darwinism right about now to flush out all the stupid people on this planet.

Just some stuff I wanna bitch about.

First, there’s the whole Michael Richards thing. Dude, you apologized. Stop apologizing to these money grubbing jerk offs and grow a pair already. Doesn’t anyone else find it odd that they heckled him to provoke a response, and then when he blew up at them they ran straight to a high profile lawyer and started talking about getting money from him? I’m so friggin’ sick of people running to lawyers, trying to get money from other people just because they were offended by something or other. The people who do stuff like that need to be taken out into the street and beaten right alongside the lawyers who take their cases and promote this kind of bullshit.

Then there’s the Brittney Spears thing. Now you all know I have a low opinion of her already because she threw away her career to get married to a complete scumbag and then pumped out two kids, thereby insuring that she’ll never have a career again because all the sex appeal she once had is gone. That said, I can’t believe all the outrage over her recent pantiless crotch shots. First of all, so the hell what. There are muslims beheading people in a number of different countries, war, starvation and any other number of nasty things going on in the world, and all these bible thumping moral hypocrites are having a friggin’ stroke because a young girl dared to go out without panties on. Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t we just put her in a damn burqua? Would that make all you hypocritical moralists happy? Better yet, let’s just put her in a chastity belt and stick her in a dungeon somewhere. And what in the hell exactly does her going out with friends have to do with her fitness as a mother? Oh, so because she has kids her life has to stop and she’s never allowed to go out and have fun ever again? Oh I see. You know, all you idiots who have been up in arms about Brittney Spears had better learn to start minding your own damn business. What she does, as long as she’s not hurting anyone, which she’s not, is her business. You people who call her a bad mother just because she goes out without panties and has fun with her friends fail to stop and think about the truly bad mothers out there. The ones who are crack ho’s and what not. The ones who have a different guy in their bed every night and let their kids basically raise themselves. Those are the bad mothers. Brittney is just balancing youth and motherhood. Maybe if more of you idiots did that you’d be a lot less uptight and less likely to stick your nose into other people’s business.

Then there’s Bill O’Reiley. I used to like his show, but his opinions have become so religious based and so biased towards the religious point of view that I can’t even stand to watch him anymore. Anything he doesn’t agree with inspires outrage and it suddenly becomes a national crisis that must be acted upon, lest the secular progressives take over the world. Well I got news for you O’Reiley, I hate snotty liberals, but I would trust a card carrying atheist over a religious idiot like you any day of the week. People like O’Reiley try to demonize atheists as evil people with no morals who don’t care about anyone or anything. Frankly, nothing could be further from the truth. Atheists have chosen to think for themselves rather than to be one of the sheep, following along mindlessly with the pack mentality that pervades religious communities. So simply because we choose to think for ourselves and our thoughts are often at odds with religious teachings, we’re suddenly evil and not worthy of having our say in life or politics or anything else. Well you know what? Tough. Get over yourself O’Reiley, and stop trying to demonize those with whom you don’t agree. At least, don’t demonize them just because they’re secular. If they’re idiots and deserve to be demonized, then go for it. But stop with all the generalizing. All it does is make you look closed minded and arrogant, and that’s why so many people can’t stand you. It’s not because they disagree with your ideas. It’s because you go into everything with such a closed mind and try to dominate everyone with whom you disagree. So just knock it the hell off already. I’d like to be able to enjoy your show again someday.

There’s a lot of political stuff that’s been pissing me off as well, but I’m not going to get into that right now because this post would turn into a book. I’m just sick to death of all the stupidity I see going on in the world. Why does it go on? Because the stupid are allowed to express their opinions and force their ideas on others. These morons need to be put in their place and have a good beatdown put on them once in a while. They might end up a little smarter for it.

I guess my general irritation level has just been rising lately. Everything’s starting to annoy me really bad, but these are some of the things that have really been getting on my nerves. Just a few things on a REALLY long list.

Oscar-winning US actress Gwyneth Paltrow feels dinner talk is far more interesting in her adopted homeland Britain than back in her native country. “I love the English lifestyle, it’s not as capitalistic as America. People don’t talk about work and money, they talk about interesting things at dinner,” she told “NS,” the weekend magazine supplement of daily Portuguese newspaper Diario de Noticias on Saturday. “I like living here because I don’t fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans,” the 34-year-old added. Paltrow, who won a best actress Oscar for 1998′s “Shakespeare in Love,” lives in London with British band Coldplay’s frontman Chris Martin whom she wed in 2003. She said having US pop star Madonna, 48, who married British film director Guy Ritchie six years ago, nearby was another advantage to living in London. “She’s like an older sister. Everything I have gone through, she went through ten times worse and ten times longer. She gives me good advice about how to say no and take care of myself,” said Paltrow.

* * *

So, Americans are unsophisticated, unintelligent and sucky huh? Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse us! I guess you won’t be wanting any of our sucky capitalistic American dollars then, so we don’t have to go see any more of your sucky movies because that would be putting our stupid American capitalistic dollars in your pocket and we know you wouldn’t want to dirty yourself with our ignorance and our filthy money now would you? Oh, by the way you moron, you’re an American too. I guess the British all think you’re boring, capitalistic and unintelligent too. They probably just hang out with you so they can laugh at you behind your back later because you’re such a stupid American.

I poo on you Gwynneth Paltrow. I poo on you and your snotty ass attitude.