B-Movie Central Cheese Blog

Dog-owners are being encouraged to take a “driving licence” for their animals to improve relations between humans and canines. A two-hour exam will test how tolerant owners are of other animals and whether they understand the etiquette of dog-ownership. In a 150-question, multiple-choice written examination owners in Vienna are to be challenged on topics such as why a dog wags its tail, what it means when it yawns, and whether it is a good idea to take it on a shopping excursion. In the practical part of the exam, owners are put through their paces, having to prove they can put on a muzzle, pick up droppings and take the dog on the underground system. The licence, a “hundeführerschein” was introduced by Vienna’s environmental councillor, Ulli Sima. She said: “We are trying to improve the way in which dogs function in the capital as well as testing their and their owners’ social skills. In so doing we’re satisfying the safety needs of the population.” The focus, she said, was on “social tolerance rather than pure obedience”. The £18 licence is in response to a recent questionnaire in which 85 per cent of Viennese said the behaviour of dogs and their owners was poor. In another survey, 34 per cent said they felt “threatened” in the presence of dogs. Politicians have come under pressure to find a way of removing up to 10 tons of dog waste every day. Owners who pass the driving licence will be exempt from the £32 dog tax for a year.

Do politicians REALLY have nothing more important to worry about?  Sounds like we need a whole lot fewer politicians in the world and a whole lot more dogs.

HUNDREDS of Muslims are descending on a Liverpool house to witness what many are calling a miracle. Two fish are causing huge excitement among the faithful, who say they are each inscribed with holy names. Worshippers are convinced two Oscar fish bear the names of Allah and Mohammed in their scales. Long queues have been building up outside the terraced house in Mulgrave Street, Toxteth, where the fish are being kept. Leaders at the nearby Al-Rahma mosque in Hatherley Street, are in no doubt about the authenticity. Sheikh Sadek Kassem, the mosque’s Imam, said: “This is a proof and a sign not just to Liverpool’s Muslims, but for everyone.” The fish were bought last week from a pet store in Speke by Ali AlWaqedi, 23. He spotted a squiggle on the side of one fish that mirrored the Arabic word for God – Allah. Then he noticed another fish, in a different tank, that seemed to bear the Arabic spelling of Mohammed, known by Muslims as Islam’s last Messenger. Ali said: “This is a message from Allah to me, a reminder, and now my faith is stronger. Everyone is so excited by the discovery.” Andrew Chambers, a religious education teacher at Shorefields comprehensive school, said: “It’s clear that the markings match the Arabic script.” The Merseyside marvel is a carbon copy of a discovery made earlier this year in Bury. Locals flocked to village pet shop Water Aquatic after it was noticed that the markings on the scales of the two-year-old albino Oscar fish mimicked the Arabic script for Allah.

There’s something fishy about this. Yeah, I know it was bad, but I had to. This reminds me of that story a long time ago about some idiot with a goat that supposedly had allah written on it. These morons will believe anything.

NEW DELHI (Reuters) – A Muslim couple in India has been told by local Islamic leaders they must separate after the husband “divorced” his wife in his sleep, the Press Trust of India reported. Sohela Ansari told friends that her husband Aftab had uttered the word “talaq,” or divorce, three times in his sleep, according to the report published in newspapers Monday. When local Islamic leaders got to hear, they said Aftab’s words constituted a divorce under an Islamic procedure known as “triple talaq.” The couple, married for 11 years with three children, were told they had to split. The religious leaders ruled that if the couple wanted to remarry they would have to wait at least 100 days. Sohela would also have to spend a night with another man and be divorced by him in turn. The couple, who live in the eastern state of West Bengal, have refused to obey the order and the issue has been referred to a local family counseling center. India’s minority Muslim population is governed by Islamic personal laws on issues such as marriage, divorce and property inheritance. “This is a totally unnecessary controversy and the local ‘community leaders’ or whosoever has said it are totally ignorant of Islamic law,” said Zafarul-Islam Khan, an Islamic scholar and editor of The Milli Gazette, a popular Muslim newspaper. “The law clearly says any action under compulsion or in a state of intoxication has no effect. The case of someone uttering something while asleep falls under this category and will have no impact whatsoever,” Khan told Reuters.

Welcome to the friggin’ dark ages. Maybe in another five centuries or so we’ll be warp driving through space and these idiots will have finally made it to the level of social development we had in the 1800′s. No, actually…they probably won’t. Idiots.

TAMPA, Fla. (AP) — Phillip Williams doubted whether he was being sold actual crack cocaine, police say. So he approached two uniformed Tampa officers and allegedly asked them to test his crack pipe so he could be sure. Turned out Williams, 47, was getting the real thing, and he was arrested shortly after approaching the officers Tuesday morning. Officers Wayne Easley and Gary Filippone were investigating a burglary and trying to catch loose dogs when Williams walked up, crack pipe in hand, and asked them to verify that he was getting real drugs, a report said. When Williams grabbed Easley’s police vest, the officers put him in handcuffs, the report said. He was arrested after the residue in his pipe tested positive for crack cocaine. Williams is listed in jail records as a security worker at MacDill Air Force Base. He is charged with possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia. He was still in jail Wednesday with bail set at $2,500. Jail records had no attorney information.

Woah!  I wonder if NASA know’s it’s missing one of it’s rocket scientists?  Then again, there are so many rocket scientists in the world I’m surprised we’re not visiting other galaxies already. (Yes that was sarcasm.)

Ok I’ve been storing stuff up and I’m going to release some of it today…

First off, I wish celebrities would just shut the hell up. I’m so friggin’ sick of celebrities running their mouths off about politics that I could puke. I’m tired of liking one of them and then having them open their mouth and show what an ignorant jerk they are and then not being able to like them anymore because of it. The most recent one is Richard Belzer, who basically showed himself to be not only incredibly ignorant but also unbelievably insensitive to our troops and of their mission in Iraq. Celebrities have no concept of what goes on out in the real world. If they did they wouldn’t make such asses of themselves. So to all you celebrities who think you have an opinion, keep it to yourself and entertain us like you get paid to do, because I guarantee that when you open your big fat mouths, you’re driving away a large chunk of your audience each time you do.

Now, I wanna bitch about something that’s REALLY been irritating me lately. These “Truth” anti-smoking ads. You want truth? I’ll give you some truth. They’re using scare tactics and flat out lies to try to make the tobacco companies look bad. You know, you’d get your point across a lot better to people if you weren’t coming off as such a bunch of snotty, arrogant, ignorant jerks. Watching those commercials actually makes me want to light one up just as a F.U. to those idiots. The fact is, tobacco is a legal product whether they like it or not. I personally would like to see people stop smoking cigarettes because they stink and they’re horribly bad for you, but I can’t force them to do it. Honestly, I like to have a cigar or smoke a pipe once in a while, and that’s my choice to do so. They smell better and you don’t inhale them like you do with cigarettes. That’s my choice, and I’m not going to try to dictate to other people whether they should smoke or not. There’s more than enough information out there about the dangers of smoking for people to make the decision about whether or not they want to take the risk. Now, are the tobacco companies guiltless? No, but they’ve also already paid billions in settlements, financed anti-smoking campaigns, etc… I think they’ve done and paid enough now, especially since most of it went in the greedy pockets of the lawyers and the politicians. When I see people who smoke through a hole in their friggin’ throat, what I see is a weak person who doesn’t WANT to quit. There are ways of quitting if they really wanted to do it and were having a hard time. The best way to quit is to just not buy the damn things and find something else to do with your time and money. The bottom line is, it’s a legal product and it’s people’s right and choice to decide whether or not they want to take the risk, and it’s also their own decision when and if to quit. These stupid, arrogant anti-smoking commercials aren’t going to do a damn thing to convince a smoker to quit, so go find something else to be jerky about and quit making me watch your idiotic, snotty commercials.

Now, what else…

Oh yeah, kids. Why the hell does everyone think you HAVE to have kids? Like it’s the only way you can validate your existence on this planet or something. People with kids always rag on people without kids to have them no matter what their financial situation is or any consideration about whether they have a good stable life in which to raise and support a kid. People are always like, “Oh just have a kid and things will work themselves out.” Now I’m sorry, but I grew up in a family that didn’t have much money, and I watched my father work himself half to death to try to give us a good life. I love and respect my father beyond words for what he sacrificed for us, and for everything he did for us to make our lives as good as they could be. If and when I ever do have a kid, it’ll be on my own timetable and at a point in my life when I feel I can give that kid a good life while at the same time not having to sacrifice everything in my own life for it. I’m a realist. I don’t put on any aires or graces. What you see is what you get with me. I don’t deal with people who pretend to be better or more intelligent than they are just because they wear a suit, nor do I appreciate those who candy coat the truth with political correctness and sensitivity to the religious, ethnic or moral sensibilities of others. If I had a kid, he or she would end up the same way. That’s a bad thing in this world, because my intolerance for those kinds of people and the illogic and general stupidity that those people display has caused me nothing but trouble both in jobs and in life. I wouldn’t be able to raise a kid to fit in with the ever growing numbers of these sorts of people, so he or she would end up struggling in life, just as I do every day. Right now I’m struggling to find my own place in this world. I need to find that place before I can make room for a child. So when the time is right, I’ll consider it. Until then, it wouldn’t be fair to the child to selfishly bring it into the world before I was ready.
Ok, I guess I’ll bitch about one more thing and then I’ll stop.

I’m sick of being unemployed and broke. I spent a LONG time looking for a job after I was driven out of my last one with lies and half-truths told by a miserable, bitter old co-worker. It’s now been nearly two years I’ve been out of work, and I’m sick to death of not knowing what to do or how to get a decent income coming in. I write a ton of stuff for the magazine, and yet I make no money out of the inordinate amount of work I put into it. I can do nice graphics work when called upon to do so, but I don’t make any money from that either. I need to figure out some way to make money on my own because I can’t find a job doing what I used to do and I don’t fit into an 8 to 4:30 or 5 type of work environment anyway. I need to work for myself doing something creative, and I really have no clue what to do. I’ve been working on a movie script, but god knows if it’ll ever get made into a movie, and I probably won’t get much money out of it even if it does. I’d like to do that for a living, but I don’t write fast enough to sell enough scripts to keep myself afloat. I thought about maybe being a story consultant for a tv show or something, but how would you even get into that kind of work? I’m good with writing comedy and coming up with comedic ideas, but how do I make that work for me? I’m fairly good at a lot of things, but without school experience or on the job experience, how do I prove that to people? I can’t go to school because I can’t afford it, nor was I ever much of a student. I learn best when I can work with something and put my hands on it. That’s not how most classroom environments work, hence the reason I struggled through high school. Well that and the fact that I had a bunch of teachers who just didn’t really care if we learned or not. Just as a side note, I was horrible in English in high school. I actually learned how to write properly from reading. I spent years reading a huge number of books, and each author had his own style and form, but they all taught me the finer points of using the English language. Why did I learn from books and not in school? Because I was doing something I enjoyed while I was learning. The classroom environments I was subjected to did little more than bore me to tears and make me wish that the flow of time would increase exponentially so the bell would ring and I could get the hell out of there and go do something else. I don’t know. I just wish I knew what to do or that someone could hook me up with someone I could work with doing what I’m really good at. Unfortunately, I don’t know a hell of a lot of people, so I don’t have that network around that the more social people have to work with. It’s the curse of being me I guess. If anyone has any ideas, I’d love to hear them.

Well that’s enough for now. I know I haven’t posted much here lately. I’ll try to post some funny stuff more often. I just went through a really dry period where I couldn’t find much and it kinda got me out of the habit of posting. Maybe I’ll dig around tonight and see if I can find something fun.

If you’ve read this far, thanks for listening to me bitch. Now go write your own bitch in your own blogs. It really does help to just get stuff off your chest once in a while.

MINNEAPOLIS, March 11 (UPI) — Minnesota plans to rebuild Highway 36 through North St. Paul, but there is a giant snowman in the middle of the construction zone. When the work begins next year, the smiling steel-and-stucco figure with black top hat and buttons — all 44 feet of him — must be moved. There was controversy when the snowman was built in 1974. Some considered it an eyesore, but it has become a symbol of North St. Paul and is pictured on its street signs, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported. The snowman was moved once before, in the late 1980s, from a parking lot near the main drag to its present perch. “We had to saw the head off, so it would fit on two flatbed trucks,” Mayor Bill Sandberg said. “People lined the streets to watch the move, but little kids had tears: ‘Where’s his head?’ We told them, ‘Don’t worry, it’s on the next truck.’”

Waaaaaaa!!!!!  Mommy!!!  They decapitated Frosty!!!!!!!