B-Movie Central Cheese Blog

LONDON (Wireless Flash) — A London artist who collected mucus from his nose for two years and displayed the resulting ball of snot at four separate art exhibitions is now ready to part with his prized possession — to the tune of roughly $20,000. James Robert Ford’s brussels sprout-sized “Bogey Ball” now rests in a glass case on a shelf in his apartment, but he is seeking an art collector to take possession of it. He wants no less than 10,000 British pounds for the mucus blob, explaining that each booger is a part of his body and it would be impossible for anyone to replicate. In Ford’s words, “It’s a physical record of all the different places I have been and people I’ve met.” So far, the artist has only received offers in the 100-to-500-pound range, but he says his snot is worth much more than that. His desired price breaks down to roughly 10 pounds per piece of mucus — or about $18 U.S. How does Ford feel about parting with his notorious piece of art? He says, “It will be hard to let go, but at the same time, it’s hard not to have any money.”

My moron of the day isn’t the guy who made the snotball. My final moron of 2004 is whoever buys the damn thing for $20,000 bucks. If someone’s got so much money that they can blow $20,000 on a ball of snot, then they obviously have too much money and should give me some.

Have a wonderful new year everyone, and please don’t get drunk and try to drive tonight. A cab is a lot cheaper than lawsuits and hospital bills.

Does Orlando love Paris? That’s what politicians at City Hall are trying to figure out, as they bicker over whether party girl Paris Hilton will receive a ceremonial key to the city tonight at the VIP opening of the downtown nightclub that bears her name. Mayor Buddy Dyer decided not to give the billionaire hotel heiress one of the foot-long keys that have been handed out to everyone from Elton John to Vigdis Finnbogadottir, who was president of Iceland at the time. “The mayor is thrilled that the club is coming but didn’t think the event rose to the level of awarding a key to the city,” said Joe Robinson, the mayor’s deputy chief of staff. But nobody told City Commissioner Patty Sheehan. She planned to attend the invitation-only opening of Club Paris and had already decided to give Hilton a key herself. “I’m just trying to recognize someone who is making a significant investment downtown and bringing worldwide attention to Orlando,” Sheehan said. “It’s not my job to judge anyone.” That’s apparently a reference to some of Hilton’s more infamous flubs — perhaps the sex tape she made with a former boyfriend that ended up on the Internet, or the time she was reportedly caught on video using the “n-word.” One of the mayor’s aides asked Sheehan not to give Hilton the official honor. “The key to the city is something reserved for the mayor to bestow,” Robinson said. But Sheehan said her mind is made up. Still, Paris’ key won’t be as big as others. Only the mayor has access to the big keys that come in a decorative wooden case. Since 1989, 66 of those have been handed out — the list includes Delta Burke; George H.W. Bush; Bill Clinton; Paul McCartney; and the Backstreet Boys, ‘N Sync and their manager, Lou Pearlman. Boston Red Sox centerfielder Johnny Damon got one last month. There’s a bin of smaller keys that commissioners can hand out. Sheehan said she has had Hilton’s key mounted on pink velvet. Paris likes pink.

You know, I would comment on this, but the name Vigdis Finnbogadottir really messed me up. I don’t think I’ll be the same until I’ve had a few drinks to help me forget the fact that someone in the world actually has a name like that.

Armed intruders broke into a family’s house in Britain, only to apologise and leave again, having realised they intended to beat someone up next door instead. A woman was upstairs with her children in Swinton, Yorkshire, northern England, when two men armed with a knife and a plank of wood broke in through a back door. “The intruders made their way upstairs where the occupant was with her two children,” a South Yorkshire police spokesman said. “It became obvious the intruders had got the wrong address and they left, apologising. No threats were made, although the woman was in a distressed state.” The men then forced their way into a house next door and beat up a young man – presumed to be their intended victim – although he was not seriously hurt, the spokesman added. Police did not know the reason for the attack.

Jeez, I’ve heard about cops busting into the wrong house before, but armed thugs doing it…that’s a new one on me. I mean, what the hell can you say when you do something like that? “Oops! Sorry mate, wrong flat. Like what you’ve done with the place. Ummm…see ya!” Jeez, talk about an uncomfortable moment. Not to mention the fact that they can be identified now because you know the person whose house you broke into is going to call the cops. Oh well, I’m sure the next time they go to beat the snot out of someone, they’ll be more careful.

The UN has critcized the US for being “stingy” with it’s relief aid to the Tsunami victims. Well first of all, the UN is an utterly corrupt organization and has no business calling us stingy considering that we shell out the highest amount of dues, and pay for tons of other stuff for them as well. We also shell out tons of aid all over the world on our own. Second, there’s a buttload of other countries in this world that can help out with aid. No one should expect the US to shell out money and aid every time there’s a disaster. Third, much of this part of the world is controled by Islamists who are anti-US, so what interest could we possibly have in helping them out? The main one we should be helping out over there is India because they’re our ally and we’re on friendly terms with them. Let the rest of the world help out the places that aren’t our friends. Plus the countries that got hit by this thing need to shell out for their own rebuilding and supplies and medicines for their own citizens. For them to sit back and expect the rest of the world to come in and make it all better is ridiculous. That would be like if some random person came and burned your house down and then you expected everyone in the neighborhood, who you’ve treated like crap for the last year or two, to come and build you a new one. I know it sounds callous, but Americans work hard for their money, and we’re taxed to death as it is. We don’t need to have the government keep handing out money and resources that could better be used elsewhere. Let the UN do it and let all those Asian and rich muslim countries like Saudi Arabia over there take care of it for a change. We have enough problems of our own to deal with. For the UN to actually have the nerve to call us “stingy” after all the money we’ve shelled out to them and their peacekeeping missions and aid efforts all over the world for the last god knows how many years just makes my blood boil. Hell, if the UN just took all the money they owed on unpaid parking tickets and put that toward the disaster relief, they could probably rebuild everything lost in the disaster three times over. Jerks.

I don’t have the full story on this, but apparently a 21 year old guy from Pennsylvania set his parents house on fire and burned it down because he didn’t get any Christmas presents. I know it’s depressing not getting any presents, but jeez.

I’ll be damned if I can find a moron today. I guess they’re all out of town or something. So I guess I’ll pick a random celebrity moron as my moron of the day. So today my moron is………

Gwynneth Paltrow.

Why? Because I just heard that much like that horse toothed beeotch Julia Roberts, Gwynneth gave her new baby daughter a stupid name. What did she name her kid? Apple.

‘Nuff said.

Now granted it’s not a guaranteed recess beatdown name like Julia’s kids got saddled with. Poor little Hazel and Phinneus are going to need some major therapy when they grow up, but I already made her my moron of the day for doing this to them, so today it’s Gwynneth’s turn. I don’t know why celebrities think it’s cool to give their kids stupid names, but it’s not cool, and they should be bitch slapped for doing it.

I’m doing one post for the 24th and 25 because the morons of both days are the people who try to stop it from happening and keep people from celebrating it. Let me just start out by saying that I’m an atheist. I despise religion in all forms because it denies human nature, causes wars, intolerance, and keeps people from thinking for themselves and living their own lives. That said, I can’t for the life of me think of why there would be ANYONE out there who would try to stop people, and most especially children, from celebrating Christmas. Christmas is like two holidays in one. It started out with the religious observance, and then later on, the secular side of it came around with santa and presents and fun christmas songs and decorations. It’s also a time, on both sides of the holiday, to spend time with family and basically just mellow out so everyone can a nice time. Basically, it’s a holiday that has something for everyone. Why stop people from trying to celebrate it and have fun? Why stop children from singing Christmas songs? Why stop kids from having Christmas parties in school? They can still celebrate the secular aspects of it and have fun. There’s even some school out there I heard about where you’re not allowed to wear red and green or have any color other than white at the “winter” party. People have just taken this crap way too far. I’m a religion hating atheist, but I don’t see any problem with having a nativity scene on public property or kids having Christmas parties and performing in Christmas plays. When it comes down to it, if you take the religious aspect away, the holiday is based on a supposedly historical event celebrating the birth of a child. Taken down to it’s raw form, that’s all the day really is about. People have just gone WAY overboard in trying to stop people from having a good time at Christmas, and it really needs to stop. Oh, and all these morons who say they want to stop it because we have to be sensitive to people of other religions…screw them and screw the “feelings” of the other religious people. America is a “melting pot” where it’s ok to be different. They have the right to celebrate their religious holidays just like the christians do, and there’s no reason they shouldn’t be allowed to have religious symbols on public property during their holidays either. They pay taxes just like everyone else. Public property is supposed to belong to the public after all. Anyway, lighten up people, and to all my fellow atheists out there, we live in a religious world. I know we all hate it, but it’s a fact of life. Over the course of the next few centuries maybe things will change, but for right now just live with it and enjoy the secular aspects of the holidays we all grew up with. All being a Scrooge does is make everyone miserable and hurt your own cause. So stop already and learn to relax. It’s just a holiday. It’s not like people are holding you down, shoving christmas trees and crosses up your butt.

SAVANNAH, Ga. – Police are looking for two women they say sexually assaulted a man with a pair of cooking tongs in a drug-related attack. Savannah-Chatham Metropolitan police say the victim, a 25-year-old man, awoke Saturday morning with a metal object protruding from his body. The victim, who police say was using cocaine at the time, told police he does not remember much of what happened. He told doctors he was drinking and using cocaine at his mobile home Friday night when he saw two women outside his home and invited them in. The victim’s cousin took him to Memorial Health University Medical Center Saturday after he complained of pain. Doctors surgically removed an object identified as “one half of a pair of food tongs,” and turned it over to police. No information was available on the man’s condition, according to a hospital spokesman. The two women are wanted on aggravated sexual battery charges, but police say they aren’t having much luck finding them. “We have no descriptions of the women, being that (the victim) is not cooperating with the police,” police spokesman Sgt. Mike Wilson said. “And there’s little we can do to urge cooperation.”

Oh my god, that’s so freakin’ hilarious I don’t even know what to say. I know how they can get him to cooperate though. Get a 300 pound bodybuilder cop in there with a long rubber glove and tell the guy that if he don’t start talkin’, Bubba’s gonna reach up there and look around for the other half of those tongs. If he still don’t talk when faced with that, then we know about that guy. They’d have to change their tactics at that point and tell him that Bubba WON’T reach up there unless he starts talkin’.

A 79-year-old homeowner shot and killed a man who broke into his Aldine-area home early Tuesday and refused to leave, Houston police said. The intruder, Robert Hinojosa, 19, of the 200 block of Gulf Bank, was shot once in the abdomen about 1:30 a.m., investigators said. He died later at Ben Taub General Hospital. Police said Hinojosa was burglarizing a residence in the 500 block of Turney when the homeowner woke up and repeatedly told him to leave before shooting him. The case will be referred to a grand jury for review.

Why the hell would this be referred to a grand jury? The dude was in his house, he was warned repeatedly to leave, he didn’t, so he got his ass shot. He deserved it, and this guy had every right to shoot him. I’d have done the same thing. Why the hell would it be referred to a grand jury? Whoever’s referring it to a grand jury is my moron of the day…big time. Jerk(s).

CUMBERLAND, R.I. — A 17-year-old Lincoln, R.I., teenager thought he was giving a relative a few canisters of film to be developed. But there wasn’t just film in these containers. He’s now under arrest for possession for cocaine. “An adult female dropped off two rolls of film to be developed,” said Det. Richard Champagne of the Cumberland, R.I., Police Department. But the technician working in the film department of a Cumberland pharmacy spotted white powder in one of the containers. “She called the police. We went by, identified the item as cocaine through a field test kit,” said Champagne. Police waited for the owner of the film to return. About an hour later an adult male came in. “He stated he was picking the film up for somebody else and that it belonged to a male juvenile who was a family member,” said Champagne. Police said the suspect made this case a bit easier for them. One of the canisters allegedly contained cocaine, while the other one contained film of the suspect himself. “Those kind of things happen,” said Champagne. “People don’t think things through. It helps out a little.” The suspect is unknown to police. He will appear in family court on a charge of possession of a controlled substance.

Oops. God, what a dork.