Invasion of the Star Creatures

Year of Release: 1962
Running Time: 70 Minutes
DVD Released By: MGM Home Entertainment
Directed By: Bruno VeSota
Writing Credits: Jonathon Haze
Filming Locations: Bronson Caves, Bronson Canyon, Griffith Park - 4730 Crystal Springs Drive, Los Angeles, California, USA

Starring: Robert Ball (Pvt. Philbrick), Frankie Ray (Pvt. Penn), Gloria Victor (Dr. Tanga), Dolores Reed (Prof. Puna), Trustin Howard (as Slick Slavin), Mark Ferris (Col. Rank), Jim Almanzer, Anton Arnold, Anton von Stralen, Mark Thompson, Allen Dailey, Sid Kane, Richard Adams, Joseph Martin, Lenore Bond (WAC)

Tagline 1: Evil... Beautiful... Deadly... In their eyes desire. In their Veins the Blood of Monsters!

Tagline 2: Their Mission: Intergalactic Hanky Panky!

Alternate Titles:
Monsters from Nicholson Mesa (USA) (working title)

Interesting Bits of Trivia:
Robert Ball began his film career in 1958 playing the character Dan Walker in The Brain Eaters. He didn't do very many appearances in the classic genre films, but he did have a considerable television career with appearances in shows like Bonanza, I Dream of Jeanie, The Twilight Zone, The Odd Couple, Laverne & Shirley, Happy Days and many more old favorites. These were always one or two episode appearances, but his was a face that popped up frequently on the greats of classic television. His last film appearance was in 1991 in the film Frankie and Johnny, where he is credited as the Hair Combing Neighbor, and his last television appearance, which is also his final credited appearance, was on The Ray Bradbury Theater playing a character named Doone in a single episode.




Cast of Characters

Private Philbrick: Moron. That's about the best word I can use to describe this guy. He and Penn are privates in the army, and they're given all the menial jobs to do around the base. It's not hard to see why they're both still privates. This guy runs around literally throughout the entire movie talking like Curly from The Three Stooges. I think Curly's probably rolling over in his grave every time this guy opens his mouth..

Private Penn: This guy is less annoying and a little smarter than Philbrick, but that's like saying one hairless chihuahua is less ugly than another one. They're both still ugly, and these guys are both still morons. At least he doesn't go through the whole movie talking like one of the Three Stooges. He talks more like Edward G. Robinson...but only sometimes. I know I know, you're only two characters into the review and you probably already have a headache just thinking about these guys. Imagine the pain I had to endure watching them. You may notice I don't say much about either of them. That's because there's really not much to say. Privates...army...morons. That about covers it.

Professor Tanga: This chick is damn near a giant. She was over a head taller than both of the schmucky privates, and basically made them look like a couple of midgets. It wasn't a camera trick either. She's just a really big chick. She's also in charge of the pre-invasion research expedition, completely humorless and just generally not a happy person. I don't think being an alien suited her though. She would have been better off dumping the whole invasion thing and becoming a lady wrestler. She could have made some serious money doing that, believe me. She's huge!

Dr. Puna: This chick is big too, but not as big as Tanga. She's the second alien chick on the little invasion expedition, and the first to be taken in by the kiss of Private Philbrick. It's that first kiss that turns her against Tanga and makes her believe that they'd be better off just staying on the Earth and assimilating into the local culture by marrying the two morons. Eventually Tanga comes around, and they all live happily ever after. Ain't love grand? I do have to say though, that if Tanga ever did become a wrestler, Professor Puna would make one hell of a tag team partner. I mean, think about it. They're both huge, they both have cool costumes and they both have cool wrestler names already. Now they just need a goofy manager and they're all set!

Colonel Rank: This guy was the most annoying one in this whole movie. I swear to god he had to be the first person ever to contract a fatal case of attention deficit disorder. Not only is he even more of a moron than Philbrick, but he jumps around from thing to thing, unable to focus on or talk about anything for more than a few seconds before he's on to something else. I watched this guy all through the movie and I can't honestly say I remember even one thing he said because he was constantly on about different things and rambling so much that I think my brain shut down simply as a self defense mechanism. I just want to forget this guy ever existed, which shouldn't be too hard since I already can't remember a damn thing he said.

The Indian Chief Dude: The whole thing with the Indians in this movie was so far beyond pointless that there isn't even a word to describe it. This guy and a few guys from his tribe show up, make our heroes sit down with them and get stoned to the bejeezus on a peace pipe, and then he turns down the peace pipe saying he never smokes it. Instead, he whips out a jug of moonshine that was only missing the XXX on the side, and proceeds with his obviously practiced hobby of slowly killing his liver. He makes them all drink with him too, leaving everyone there both drunk and stoned. Eventually our heroes woke up before everyone else and took off to save the Earth from the hot alien chicks, and the Indians just laid around all passed out, leaving me to wonder why the hell they were even in the movie in the first place.

Veggie Monsters : These are the veggie monsters. They're monsters that the alien chicks grow in flower pots. They're incredibly strong, but they supposedly don't live very long. I don't know exactly how long they live, but it's obviously longer than this film lasted because the only two I saw die were the two the alien chick shot. The alien chicks use these things as slaves, and this character shot doesn't even come close to doing justice to how cheesy the costumes were. They were all women running around in the costumes too, I'm not sure why, but they were. Maybe they were short on material or something and needed to make smaller costumes...who knows?




Screen Shots

"If you don't ask, I won't tell..."

 

 

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

 

 

"Hey, there's a woim in my hat! Nyuck nyuck!"

"That's not a worm you knuckle head, that's
your finger. You got a hole in your hat."

"Oooooh, I was wonderin'. It's the first time I
ever saw a woim that needed a manicure.
Nyahhhahhhahhh."

"Hey, how'd you get a hole in your hat anyway?"

"It's not my fault! I was a victim of soicumstance!"

"That is the last time I take you out for
Mexican food the night before a mission."

 

 

"Look sergeant! I found some cave poo!
And it's got little things living in it! I wish I had
my pot here. This stuff makes great soup!"

"Remind me to take you off kitchen
duty when we get back."

 

 

Whoah man, Tikis on acid. Horse tranquilizers rule!

 

 

"That's a huge bitch!"




Best Quotes

Penn: "And you, you stick close. I don't wanna lose ya."

Philbrick: "Man, I'll stick so close to you, you won't know where you end and I begin."

- Penn and a drunken Philbrick going back in the cave to stop the alien chicks from taking off in their rocket ship. - (Reviewer's Note: No comment. I'm sure you can figure out your own joke for that one.)



 

Video Clip
When prompted, enter bmovie for the username and central for the password.

Invasion of the Star Creatures
More female on male PWNAGE, and in a very similar way as the PWNAGE that went down in the clip from my review of Invisible Invaders. This one actually gets physical though as Tanga knocks Philbrick into the middle of next week.


Summary and Conclusion

Where to begin with this one? Well, I guess I'll begin with a general overview of the plot, such as it is. Unfortunately, this movie was such a complete and utter mess, it's hard to describe it. I'll give it a try though and see how things go.

Two privates in the army (no not those kind of privates, but after seeing this movie, that's probably how you'll think of them), Philbrick and Penn, are always given the crappy jobs around the base. Why? Because they're a couple of morons, that's why. I'm not sure why they're stuck as privates though after seeing the moron in charge of the base, Colonel Rank. He's even more brainless than they are. Anyway, they both dream of getting better jobs, and Philbrick specifically dreams of them flying into space, because this movie came out a little after Sputnik was first launched and the world was in a tizzy about the possibilities of space travel. After some not-so-funny hijinks, they and four other guys are assigned to go out and investigate some cave. Why? I don't freakin' know. I was totally shell shocked by the inane ramblings of Colonel Rank as he was attempting to tell them why they had to go on the mission, but when he told them about the mission, they did it in a secret huddle, so I wouldn't have any clue why the hell they went out there anyway, but even if he had just told them outright, I'd have probably missed it because he was so incredibly annoying and couldn't seem to put more than a couple sentences together before he was on about something else.

Anyway, they go out there and their squad is captured by two big ol' freakin alien chicks and their veggie soldiers who have been living in their cave base for years, studying the planet and preparing for an invasion. Philbrick and Penn manage to escape and try to stop the women from leaving the planet, because if they do, they'll come back with an invasion force. A lot more stuff happened that was mind numbing and pointless...yada yada yada...and Penn and Philbrick not only stop the girls from leaving, but they end up married to them. I won't even get into all the stuff with the Indians. It was so completely pointless and utterly stupid that it's not even worth mentioning. Unfortunately, that's how most of this movie was. When it was over, I was SO ready for it to be over I can't even tell you.

The whole movie was just one big farce, and that's all it was ever intended to be. When you have a movie like this that's stupid, self aware and zany (for lack of a better term), you have to make sure it works and that what you're planning on doing is actually going to be funny when it's shot. Unfortunately, this movie seemed as though it were nothing more than a lame vehicle designed to throw a couple of guys together who might have ended up a comedy duo had this film actually worked and had it actually been funny.

One of the things you'll notice as you watch this film, is that Philbrick, throughout the entire film, talks just like Curly from the Three Stooges. In fact, this whole movie played like a Three Stooges film, only there were two stooges, no slapstick and an almost complete lack of humor. I will admit there were a few moments that were rather amusing, but I'd say it ended up with about ninety percent of the movie being lame and ten percent being amusing. That's not a very good ratio. Oh, and speaking of voices, I was noticing that at various times, Penn would be talking like Edward G. Robinson, Peter Lorre, or a combination of the two. Sometimes he just talked like he was from New Jersey or somewhere thereabouts. It was very strange listening to him and hearing all of these different voices.

The acting in general wasn't very good in this film, but even beyond the acting, there were the cheap veggie monster outfits, the cheesy props in the alien base, the alien costumes for the two girls, the cheeseball sound effects from the ship and base controls, etc... These are the things that actually saved this movie, if you can believe that. These are the areas where I got the most entertainment value out of the film. It's a pretty sad commentary when all the extra stuff in a film is what makes it ultimately watchable. Those should be secondary things in most cases, but in this case, the entertainment value sure didn't come from the acting or the story. Oh well, at least it came from somewhere, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to make it through the film.

The one thing that really stuck me while I was watching this movie was the really nice transfer MGM did on this DVD release. I mean it looks really good, and the sound is excellent. They must have done the transfer from a practically unused reel that had been kept safely sealed up in a vault for the last forty-five years. Jeez, has it really been that long? Where does the time go? Anyway, the DVD is a double feature disc with the second feature being Invasion of the Bee Girls. Both films include subtitles and trailers. This film is presented in 1:66:1 letterbox format while Invasion of the Bee Girls is presented in 16x9 widescreen.

So, if you've already peeped at my rating for this film, you know I gave it two bees, and you may at this point be asking yourself why. Well, to be honest, as much as this movie failed in its attempt at being "zany", it really wasn't a horrible film. There were elements of it that I enjoyed, and there were even a few gags that made me smile. It wasn't a complete failure on all levels, and some people might even enjoy this film and find it somewhat entertaining. It's certainly better than a one bee movie, so I decided to be generous and give it two. It doesn't have a huge rewatchability factor, but I certainly wouldn't kill myself if I had to watch it again some time. I might even do it just because I want to. Who knows? Basically what I'm saying is, it's just ok, and it might even seem better when viewed a second time, but "ok" is all I'm prepared to give it after seeing it just once.

 

B-Movie Central's Rating: 2 Bees

 

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