The Woman Eater

Year Of Release: 1957
Running Time: 71 Minutes
DVD Released By: Image Entertainment
Directed By: Charles Saunders
Writing Credits: Brandon Fleming
Filming Location: Unknown

Starring: George Coulouris, Peter Wayn, Vera Day, Joyce Gregg, Jimmy Vaughn, Max Foster, Edward Higgins, Robert Mackenzie, Harry Ross, Norman Claridge

Tagline 1: See the nerve shattering Dance of Death! - See the woman eater ensnare the beauties of two continents! - See the hideous arms devour them in a death-embrace!

Tagline 2: It devours only the most beautiful!

Alternate Titles:
Woman Eater (1959) (USA)

Interesting Bits of Trivia:
George Coulouris, who played Dr. James Moran in this film, had a very long and productive career which spanned nearly six decades. He appeared in eighty-five films including several very notable and legendary films such as Citizen Kane, For Whom The Bell Tolls, Papillon, and Murder on the Orient Express. He also made a number of television appearances and once even worked as a dialogue director on the 1948 film Rusty Leads the Way. George was born on October 1, 1903 in Manchester, England, and died on April 25, 1989 from a heart attack which he suffered after a long bout with Parkinson's disease.




Cast Of Characters
Dr. James Moran: This guy reminds me of Richard from the British comedy series Keeping Up Appearances. If you don't know who I'm talking about then you've missed out on some great British comedy. Anyway, he's the doctor who brought the tree back from the Amazon Jungle and is now feeding beautiful women to it so that he can get the elixer of life out of it. I don't know what kind of a doctor he is, but it seems like if he was going to be scoring beautiful women to feed to a tree, then it would have been to his benefit if he would have been a gynecologist or something. Then he wouldn't even have had to go looking for chicks. They would have come to him.

Sally Norton: This is Sally. Isn't she precious? I'm looking at this screenshot of her and the look on her face totally tells the story. She's just remembered that she's forgotten something, but she can't remember what it is that she's forgotten so she's just going to try to forget all about it and hope that she remembers what she's forgotten later on when she remembers to think about it again.

Jack Venner: He's the local mechanic and quite the ladies man. He's got a great right hook as well which we get to see him demonstrate on that jerky carnival owner. See what he's doing in this screenshot here? He's calling his agent to find out what cheese ball flick he's got him lined up for next.

Mrs. Margaret Santor: Again I have to wonder, who's runnin' Hell while she's up here? This woman has a serious attitude problem, and it's understandable why. She's Dr. Moran's jilted lover that he forgot all about after he came back from the Amazon. I guess he got tired of listening to her bitch, so he relegated her to just being his housekeeper. Hell, if he really wanted to relegate her to doing that, all he had to do was marry her.

Tanga The Native: Oh yes, and here we have Tanga. I've had to struggle so hard to not make yet another joke about Japanese teeth magic in this review. I mean look at him. Check out them gnarly teeth! It's killing me to not make the teeth magic joke, but I'm trying to be strong. Anyway, this guy is Dr. Moran's house boy and the only one who knows the true secret of the magic ju ju tree. His turn on's are walking around half naked, feeding women to magic ju ju tree idols, and lying to English doctors. And yes girls, he's available tonight!

Carnival Owner: This guy was Sally's boss when she worked at the carnival. He only had a small part, but he was a loud mouth and a total jerk, which contributed to him getting his clock cleaned with a hard right cross from Jack. So if he had such a small part, then why did I include him in the character section? Well one look at that character shot should clear everything right up. I mean look at him...just look at him! He looks like someone just gave him a wedgie or something.

The Woman Eater: This is the magic ju ju tree idol plant thingy. Sorry about the horrible shot of it, but they never really did give us a nice clear shot of it in the movie. It was pretty cool lookin' though, so I'm not sure why they went out of their way to keep the shots of it relatively low on detail. Anyway, this thing eats beautiful women, digests them, and then pukes out this goop that's supposed to bring the dead back to life. Pretty cool huh?




The Plot

Dr. Moran has discovered that a tribe of natives down in the Amazon Jungle have a tree that when fed beautiful women, will produce an elixir that can bring the dead back to life. The doctor brings the tree back to England with him and with the help one of the Amazonian natives named Tanga, the doctor proceeds to feed beautiful women to the tree in order to secure the elixir for himself so that he can secure his place as the man who discovered a way to bring the dead back to life. Unfortunately, Tanga has other ideas. How many women will this great tree beast consume? How many native nipples and bongo solos will we have to endure? How low can a blonde's IQ actually get? The answers to all of these questions and more can be found just by reading on...



What The Hell???
1. The movie opens in a city. Whoopie huh? The first thing we see is some old guy walking into "The Explorer's Club" where you just know that cool things are gonna happen. Actually, nothing really cool happens except that there's these three guys talking. One of them is telling the other two how there's a tribe in the depth of the Amazon Jungle that has a mystical ju ju that has the power to bring the dead back to life. He asks the younger of his two comrades if he'd care to go. He gives the guy a map and then goes off on his way. The older guy asks the younger one if he's interested. The younger one says he is, and so the movie begins. I'm not sure if I should be happy that they're just getting right into the story or depressed because the story in this thing is going to be pretty damn thin. I can tell you one thing right now though. The sound on this DVD totally sucks. It sounds all muddy and I've had to crank the speakers way up to understand what they're saying. The video quality looks pretty good though. I don't know who these three guys were exactly, but I already have the feeling that this movie is gonna suck. I may be wrong though. It has been known to happen...but not often.

2. Now we take a quick trip down to the Amazon now in what had to be the fastest damn plane ride ever. I say that because it was only in the air for a few seconds and then BOOM! we're in the jungle. And this isn't just any jungle mind you. No sir! Most jungles are made up of wood and leaves and stuff, but not this jungle. This jungle is special. It's made entirely out of plastic! Isn't that cool? Oh, and I forgot to mention that it comes complete with stock footage of crocodiles walking into a river and birds taking off in a big flock out of a tree. I'm going to go off on a little aside here. There used to be this really funny Pakistani guy, or something like that who owned this small chain of shoe stores in the bay area in California. He had these really unintentionally funny commercials where he'd talk about the shoes and the prices and what not. Then, at the end of every commercial, he'd say, "If you didn't buy your shoes at the Shoe Pavilion, you paid tu muuuuuuuch!" That's pretty much phonetically what he said. It's too hard to describe the voice and how he said that line. You may be wondering why I'm mentioning this at this particular juncture in the review. Well it's because, watching this thing so far, that saying from those commercials just popped into my head. Except mine's a little different. Mine's like, "If you paid more than $2.50 for this movie, you paid tu muuuuuuuch!" Anyway, that's enough rambling (at least for now), so let's get back to the review.

3. So now, after a long hard day of hacking through the plastic jungle, there's a quick shot where our intrepid explorers stop and the younger guy asks who I'm assuming at this point is Dr. James Moran, if he's doing all right. James says that he's ok and that a little jungle fever isn't going to stop him. Just then, the jungle drums start. They all start looking towards where the sounds mystical beating drums of the plastic jungle are coming from. James suddenly spots the mound that's on their map. Yeah, it's the mound all right. And look! It's only about thirty or forty miles away! You know what else is funny in this shot? The camera shot was taken from high up on the side of a hill or a mountain, and you can totally tell by the mountainous non-jungle-like vegetation that it was taken just about anywhere except where they're supposedly at right now.

4. Oh boy! It's treats! Suddenly the scene changes to some native hippie beating on some kind of a bongo drum. Now this scene is seriously funny because the first thing that came to mind was some sort of a gay pride festival or something. Let me show you three shots from this that are all sequential and I'll explain them.

 

 

Ok, in the first picture we have a topless native boy playing the bongos. He's wearing a bead necklace and his nipples are jiggling to the sound of the beat. Next we have a guy with feathers on his head who looks like he's wearing a diaper or something. He's dancing around erotically with a great big snake. Nothing suggestive about that now is there? Lastly we have another topless guy who's also wearing a bead necklace. Note the copious amount of eye makeup and the lustful way he's reaching out his arms towards the man with the big snake. Now the whole point of this ceremony is to feed some beautiful native girl to this woman eating tree so that it can crap out some goo that will bring the dead back to life. Funny how the tree only wants to eat beautiful women now isn't it? Doesn't that seem more like a scam these guys all came up with just to get rid of the chicks so they could practice their show tunes and dance routines together? I suspect this movie has a lot more hidden messages than I first suspected.

5. So this whole thing here is a sacrifice ceremony. I wonder if there's going to be a barbeque after? Maybe they can barbeque that snake that the guy in the diaper is dancing around with. I hear they taste like chicken. Anyway, the beautiful native girl is standing on this big stone slab. She's kinda undulating to the beat and preparing herself to become tree chow. Off in the jungle, Dr. Moran and crew are watching the whole thing. The younger guy says that he can't stand by and see this. He rushes out and says, "Stop you devils!" and then turns back around to call out Dr. Moran to help him. Now this guy has some seriously great timing, because he turns back around just in time to catch a spear in the chest that was thrown by one of the young nipple-bare, bead wearing natives. He clutches his chest and falls to the ground while Moran stands behind him making this pained "you stupid moron" look. The ceremony continues now despite the unexpected interruption. The natives all dance around and sing and beat their bongos as the girl is now led to the tree. We don't get to see the tree eat her or anything, but at the last moment she kinda comes to her senses and starts resisting and screaming. The diaper wearing witch doctor or chief or whatever he is walks up to the shrine and raises his big snake high in the air so everyone can see it. I'm still wondering what the point of the big snake is and what it has to do with the tree and the whole ceremony thing. Maybe it doesn't have anything to do with any of it and he's just compensating for some little shortcoming or something that he's not feeling too good about. I'll leave that to you all to figure out what that might be.

6. Ok, it's later on now. It's actually daylight and we can see what's going on a lot better. Dr. Moran is laying on the ground with his whole crew around him. He's like totally out of it, and the dude kneeling down next to him says that it's jungle fever. So see, Spike Lee didn't invent jungle fever. He just ripped it off from this movie. What a nerdy little midget he is. Anyway, Moran starts mumbling something about a plant, a sacrifice and a miracle. He asks their native boy Tanga what that all means and Tanga starts goin' nuts waving his arms around and talking really loud in some goofy language that sounds like he's making it up as he goes along. Beats me what the hell he was talking about. I don't think they knew either, because they just let it drop at that point and brought in a stretcher for Dr. Moran.

7. There must be some sort of a time travel aspect to this movie or somethin' that I'm just not getting. First we have a plane trip to the Amazon that only takes about three seconds, and now suddenly with this new scene change, it's five years later. How do I know it's five years later? Well the letters that pop up on the screen that say "England - Five Years Later" were my first clue. So ok, it's five years later now. Wanna bet that when we see the people in this scene, that not one of them will look more than five days older? I guess this time travel is a tricky thing with all kinds of paradoxical oddities to figure out. In any case, it's five years later now, and we see a car driving down a country road. Actually it's more of a truck really. It goes up to this really big nice house. Inside, we find Tanga sitting in a room that looks like it was decorated in early Amazon, and he's beating on the bongos with his nipples exposed. There's a very beautiful girl standing there listening to him playing like she's hypnotized. I think that's the whole point of the drum playing is to hypnotize the girls so they don't give you any smack about feeding them to that big ugly tree thing. A quick cut up to Dr. Moran's office now where we find him sitting at his desk writing something. Probably a suicide note or something since taking a part in a movie like this after doing a movie like Citizen Kane had to be a total bummer for him. Anyway, now he's looking up something in a book. Now he's set down the book and wrote down something else. Now he's taking the papers into the secret lab where Tanga's still beating on the drums and smiling at the beautiful girl. And let me tell you. This girl is seriously beautiful. I'd be smiling at her too. In fact, here's a picture of her so you can see what I'm talking about.

 

 

Man, I sure wouldn't hesitate to bring her home to mama. Too bad she's about to end up as tree poop. Tanga stops playing the drums now and slowly walks over to the girl. He takes her by the shoulders and leads her over to the tree. Again, just at the last second, she starts coming around and struggles to get away. Tanga pushes her into the arms of the tree, which we still haven't gotten a good look at by the way, and then gets this look on his face like he's having an orgasm or something. The girl screams for a second and then falls silent. Dr. Moran says that she'll soon become part of the tree, and then they'll get the elixir that can bring the dead back to life. He also says that she won't have died in vain. Yeah, well doc, you can explain all that to her after Tanga picks up what's left in a pooper scooper and dumps her in a little baggie. I'm sure she'll be glad to hear it.

8. What's Tanga doin' now? Looks like he burning that girls dress in the furnace and smiling like a dork while he does it. Somehow I get the feeling that Tanga's not too awful bright. We're in the lab still now, and Dr. Moran is preparing the elixir in a while bunch of nifty lookin' beakers and tubes and stuff. The last beaker in the chain of equipment has a bunch of the elixir in it and it's being heated by a Bunsen burner which is making the liquid slowly drip out into another beaker. Dr. Moran takes that beaker and fills up a syringe out of it. He's got this heart in a giant glass bell lookin' thingy with a bunch of tubes sticking out of it. The heart is as big as his whole head, so there's no telling what the hell it came out of. I guess it doesn't really matter at this point because whatever it belonged to is obviously past caring where its heart ended up at. So he shoots it up with the goo and slowly it starts beating. How do we know it's beating? Well we can see it beating. And he's also got it hooked up to this really nifty machine called a "pulsometer" that has a dial in it that's moving up and down as the heart beats. Isn't that totally slick? He's got another machine that it's hooked up to as well, but I can't tell what the purpose of that one is supposed to be. So Dr. Moran wanders over to the pulsometer and he's watching it and smiling. Suddenly the heart starts beating slower and then stops all together. Dr. Moran gets all upset and starts talking about how he knew they needed more serum from the plant and that next time it'll work. Tanga just smiles and nods his head like a big dumb dork. Fade to black now as we head into the next scene.

9. There's a cop riding up to Dr. Moran's house on a bicycle. That must have been a hell of a ride considering that Dr. Moran lives way the hell out in the country. What I find a little odd about this is that the cop doesn't even seem the least bit winded. I guess he's in really good shape from riding that bike all over the place. Anyway, He knocks on the door, and this chick who looks like she hasn't had sex in about ten years opens the door. I'm surprised the sergeant didn't get icicles on his nose from talking to her. She's apparently Dr. Moran's housekeeper or something. The cop introduces himself as Sgt. Bolton and asks to see the doctor. She says that he's busy, but the cop says that he'll only take up about five minutes of his time. She's bein' all hard nosed about it, but he finally convinces her to let him see the doctor. So Sgt. Bolton comes in and she takes him to the doctor. He starts asking him about this girl named Susan Curtis. Seems that she was staying with some friends in the area and then vanished without a trace. I think if you'll check the good doctor's pooper scooper down in his lab sergeant, you'll be able to trace the DNA on it back to the girl you're looking for. Oh wait, this is 1957. They didn't do DNA tests back then. I guess the cops are pretty much outta luck on this one then. Anyway, Dr. Moran tells the sergeant that he hasn't seen the girl and that he'll ask his housekeeper but he's quite sure she hasn't been there. Now they didn't have DNA tests back then, but I'm pretty sure they might have had lie detectors. Too bad the sergeant doesn't have one in his back pocket or something. I think he'd find it quite useful right about now. A little more conversation about the girl while they wait for the housekeeper to come in. They ask the housekeeper if she's seen the girl, but she says she hasn't and after a comment from the doctor that made it into my best quote section, the sergeant goes off on his merry way. On his way down the road, he stops for a second, looks back at the doctor's house and scratches his head. He's got that somethin' just ain't right here look on his face. It soon passes though and again he's off on his merry way. He passes a sign on the road advertising a carnival that's in town. Oddly enough, that's where we go in the next scene. Isn't that amazing? I'm still wondering why he's riding a bike instead of driving in a car. I guess buying a bicycle was cheaper than rigging up some car to look like a cop car. We must think of budget now, mustn't we?

10. Everyone loves a carnival don't they? The bright lights, the great rides, the wonderful music, and don't forget all the corn dogs and cotton candy. But aside from all that, what carnival would be complete without some loud mouth schmoe in a fedora hat shilling whatever show they happened to be pushing at the time. Well my friends, I'm happy to tell you that this carnival is more than complete. This schmoe screaming at the audience is trying to sell tickets to his south seas beauty show. He's got some moronic blonde in a grass skirt and a bikini top wiggling around next to him, swaying to the traditional hawaiian hula music. Seems as though this moronic blonde is actually Sally Norton and she has more of a part in this movie than I would have suspected. In addition to a larger part in this movie, she also has an admirer. Some schmuck is standing there at the shooting gallery booth trying to win a cupie doll, but he isn't hitting much because he's constantly looking at her. Anyway, once the south seas beauty show starts, Sally puts on her overcoat and walks over to the drinks booth. After she gets her drink, the schmuck comes over and gives her the little stuffed panda bear he won. He tells her that it's hers because she won it. What a lame pick up line, but then again, I've heard worse. He says to her that he was looking at her the whole time he was firing. She accepts the bear and then he goes and gets himself a drink. He comes back and hits on her some more. She says that she's leaving in the morning to go do some charity show. He offers to drive her there and she says that she'd like that. Never mind that she doesn't even know this idiot's name yet. Talk about a victim waiting to happen. Didn't mama ever tell this girl not to accept rides from strangers? Well who should come along now but Mr. Loud Mouth himself. He starts raggin' on her because she's supposed to be up on the stage wigglin' her hips and attracting customers. The younger guy tries to tell him that it was his fault and that he was having a drink with her. Mr. Loud Mouth gets in his face at this point and the younger guy puts a hurtin' on him with just one punch. So either this loud mouth guy is total wuss, or the younger guy had a roll of quarters in his hand when he cracked the guy with that right cross. Either way, Mr. Loud Mouth ain't so loud no more. In fact, he may even be dead! That'd be totally cool because then we wouldn't have to listen to him anymore. He was a jerk anyway. Sally runs over to the big galoot and helps him up. She begs the younger guy to leave because if he stays he'll only make it worse. He finally does leave, but as he goes we get to watch the carnival owner rubbing his jaw like he just caught a brick in the face or somethin'.
11. It's the next day now, and Sally is walking down the street towards the young guy's garage. He's working under a car and when she walks in, he rolls out from under the car, which I'm sure was a ploy just so he could look up under her skirt, and says hello to her. I can't imagine what he was expecting to see up under her dress anyway. I mean, it's 1957 for god's sake. She's probably got some really scary granny panties on or something. Anyway, she tells him that she got fired thanks to him. He says he's glad she did and then offers her some coffee, which she happily accepts. He apologizes about last night, and then they start chit chatting about her needing a job. He asks her what she can do. Now is that a loaded question or what? So baby, you need a job, I got some cash...let's talk deal. Man, this movie is funny. Anyway, he suggests that she go talk to Dr. Moran. He says that Dr. Moran only has a housekeeper and that he might need some more help. Seems that he's the one who works on Dr. Moran's car, so that's how he knows him. So they take a drive out to Dr. Moran's house, and for some reason he let's her out at the front gate and lets her walk up to the house all by herself. What the hell's up with that? It's a long walk from the gate to the house too. What a schmuck! So after a long walk, she finally makes her way up to the house and rings the bell. Tanga answers the door in his houseboy outfit. Good thing he wasn't flashing his nipples at her. It might have scared her away! Sally asks to see Dr. Moran and Tanga brings her in the house and let's her in to see the doctor. She asks the doctor for a job, and initially he tells her he doesn't have anything for her, but then he asks her if she'd be prepared to live in. She says she doesn't see why not, so he invites her to sit down and talk about it. Yeah, I can see that conversation too. So you need a job miss? Well if you'll just move in with me, I'll give you money to do stuff. Man, this is gettin' better by the minute. So the scene changes now, and Sally walks back out to the road gate now and meets up with this guy who still hasn't been introduced by name. She tells him about the job and that the place really weirded her out. He tells her it'll be all right. She grabs her bag and heads on back to the house. He says that he hopes they'll be seeing more of each other. I guess he liked what he saw when he popped out from under the car earlier. Maybe she didn't have granny panties on after all.

12. Dr. Moran is in his study now with Margaret the housekeeper. Yes, we actually find out someone's name in this scene. I know it's unusual, but I'm hoping you all can handle it. She's not the least bit happy that he's hired Sally without knowing anything about her. He tells her that she needs some help and that she's been overworked lately and could use some help. He says that it's affecting her nerves and she tells him that it's not the work that's affecting her nerves. She accuses him of just wanting her around him because she's young and beautiful. She's all ticked off, but he tells her that it's done and he won't hear any argument about it. The doorbell rings at this point, and she throws him a look that could shrivel up a sack at fifty yards. He tells her to be nice to her, and after she throws him another dirty look, he says it again. She says she will and then goes to answer the door.

13. We're out in a field now where we find two policemen looking around on the ground by a fence. A guy who I'm guessing is Inspector Brownlow comes up with another officer. He looks around a bit and then tells the officer he's with to stay there and help with the search while he takes Sgt. Bolton back to the station with him. So the scene changes and we're at the police station. Sgt. Bolton is pointing out a certain area on a map and telling the inspector which person's house each blob represents. He observes that Dr. Moran's house is the nearest, so they'll start there. Bolton says that he was already there to talk to Dr. Moran and he didn't know anything. The inspector asks him if he searched the grounds, and Bolton says he didn't, so the inspector says that they'll start with that then. So right about now, Bolton is striking me as the kind of a guy who would come to your door looking for an axe murderer, you'd answer the door with a bloody axe in one hand and someone's head in the other, and he would ask you if you know anything about the murders that have been going on. You would say no and he would thank you and then ride off on his bike with a big dorky smile on his face.

14. So our two intrepid policemen drive up to Dr. Moran's house and ring the bell. Sally answers the door, and they ask to see the doctor. She invites them in and they make their way into the doctor's study. He's rather irritable that they're there asking questions again, but he gives them permission to search the grounds. They're about to leave, when suddenly there's a call for the inspector. He sends Bolton out to search the grounds while he takes the phone. Bolton leaves, and while the inspector is talking on the phone, he picks up this object off the desk and starts looking at it. Finally he hangs up the phone and pulls apart the object. It's some stupid lookin knife. The inspector asks the doctor about it and the doctor freaks out and grabs it out of his hand. The inspector says that he didn't mean to upset him, and the doctor pro cedes to tell him that it's a one of a kind item from the depths of the Amazon. The inspector apologizes again and excuses himself. As he walks out, Margaret is standing giving him the hairy eyeball. Outside, Bolton tells him that he didn't find anything and the two leave in the car together.

15. Back down in the lab now, and Dr. Moran is standing there in his lab coat looking intently at his really spiffy pulsometer. He's lookin all anxious and finally walks into the other room where Tanga is draining some life goo out of the woman eater tree plant thing. Tanga hands the beaker of goop to the doctor and then he says something that's so utterly hilarious that I had to stop because I was laughing so hard. It wasn't what he says that was so funny, but how he said it. Actually it was kind of a combination of the two. He's all, "With this our people make live the dead. Master, this is good." I mean really now, how cheeseball can you get? The doctor takes the bottle of tree puke and goes into the lab area with it. He sets it down at the beginning of his lab equipment path and then goes down to the end of the process cycle and fills up a syringe with the magic goo. Tanga points upstairs and says, "Master, huh?" Dr. Moran gets all irritated and tells him that when he decides the time is right, he'll tell him. Tanga is obviously a master conversationalist. He just hides it behind the native facade so that people won't suspect that he's secretly intelligent. See, if they know he's intelligent, they'll expect more from him, and he's really just a slacker at heart.

16. It's night time now, and Dr. Moran is walking along the mean streets of the city. Looks like he's scopin' for another bit of tree chow for his little goo spewing pet. And look! He's found himself a nice one. He's following her now, and she just walked into a bar to meet her boyfriend. He bitches at her about being over a half hour late, and then after they order her a drink, they get in this big huge fight and he leaves. He doesn't even pay for the drinks they just ordered. The Asian bartender comes over and demands payment for the drinks, which gave me my 2nd best quote for this movie. She blows him off, and after he threatens to call the police, Dr. Moran steps in and pays for them. He joins her at the table like the dirty old man that he is, and offers her a light for her cigarette. The drinks don't suit the doctor, so he invites the lady out to a roadhouse to get something better.

17. They're driving along in his car now, and she's smoking a cigarette that seems to be affecting her in a nasty way. She asks the doctor if those cigarettes are always so strong. He just keeps on driving and pretty much ignores her. They eventually get to his house and he takes her down into the lab area. She starts getting scared and he uses that old standby line on her, "Come along now. You trust me don't you?" Well now, did she? Yes. Should she have? No. Did she get grabbed from behind by a native boy who's fond of showing his nipples? Yes. Is she gonna end up as tree poop? Yes. Is she a freakin' moron for going down there in the first place? Yes. Does she deserve what she's gonna get? Yes. Ok, the question and answer period is over now. Let's get back to the movie.

18. Margaret is creepin' around the house now. She comes into the study where Dr. Moran is getting some papers and surprises him. Hell if I turned around and saw her standing there throwing the wonky eye at me, I'd probably crap my pants and hit the floor in the fetal position...but that's just me. She starts laying the verbal smackdown on him because he's been out late again. She thinks he's been out womanizing. Apparently, five years ago before he came back from his trip to the Amazon, they were a hot item. Now she's just a jealous old spinster who's looking to stick her nose into his business. She's accusing him of doing something wicked behind the iron door that she mustn't ever go through. Man, I wish I had an iron door on the bathroom when I was about twelve. I bet my mother does too. I was doin' all kinds of wicked things in there. But that's another story. Anyway, she says that he's changed ever since he came back from there and he agrees with her and says that indeed he has changed. She's asking him about what's behind the door too. He tells her that she knows perfectly well that his lab is behind the door and that he doesn't allow anyone to go down there to see his experiments. There's an exchange at this point that I just had to use as best quote #3. I won't spoil it here by quoting it exactly, but basically she accuses him of not trusting her and he basically says she's right. Naturally that doesn't go over very well. She starts talking about how there's evil all around him and he tells her to come to him. Now you'd think at this point that he'd knock her out or feed her to the plant or something. Actually, all he really does is tell her that he thinks she should go away. Yes, as in leave the damn house and never come back. I see now why this guy's not married. If you kick out every woman that talks smack to you, you might as well just turn gay or somethin', because you're gonna be seriously alone if you spend your life lookin' for a girl that's never gonna throw the bad mouth at you once in a while. He's telling her now that she's troublesome and that he doesn't like troublesome people. She begs him to let her stay, and he says that if she ever tries to pry into his business, it'll be the last thing she ever does. Then he sends her back to her room. She walks out all dejected. It's her fault for goin' in there and layin' all that smack talk on him in the first place. I don't see where she has any right to be upset.

19. So Dr. Moran goes down into the lab now where Tanga is beatin' on his bongos and lookin' like he's gonna have another orgasm. Man, this guy's a total creep. The girl is standing there all hypnotized and the doctor is just standing there watching the whole thing go down. I just noticed something too. I'm going to put a picture here now of this girl that's about to become tree poop. Look at this picture and look at the one up above and see if you notice any similarities.

 

 

Well? Did you see it? Whether you did or not, I'm just gonna tell you what it is. They're both wearing the exact same dress. I think the dress looked better on the other girl because she was a lot prettier than this one. The only thing I can figure is that it's some kind of a ceremonial dress or something. I'm still not sure why they have to do this thing with the bongos and the hypnotism and stuff before they feed these girls to the plant. I mean, just shove them into the damn thing and be done with it. All they're doing by having this ceremony first is stretching out the movie so that I can't go to bed until way late. Now that's not nice of them, is it? Anyway, Tanga's done beatin' on the ol' drums now, and he's leading the girl over to the plant like tree thingy now. He's got this big, stupid grin on his face like it's the most wonderful thing he's ever seen. I'll tell you what he needs to see is a damn dentist. This boy's got some gnarly ol' teeth. Oh and a hair brush. He's had pillow head all through the movie and I just can't stand to look at it anymore. Ok, the ceremony is over. Time for dinner. Tanga walks her over to the plant, she comes to her senses, struggles a little, and then gets eaten. At least this time we get to see the plant coppin' a feel on her before it actually eats her. It was quite funny. Unfortunately, we never get a really good look at the plant because it's usually in a shadowy area and it's hard to make out the details all that well. This is the first time we get a half way decent look at the thing. Naturally Tanga and the doctor are both gettin' off on watching this whole thing. What a couple of twisted freaks.

20. It's the next day now, and Sally just walked over to the younger guy's garage. They still haven't said this guy's name, so I'm just going to assume he's Jack Venner. That's about the only name in the cast list that seems to suit him. So anyway, she walks over to where Jack is working on a car. She offers to help him with the car he's working on and he asks her if she knows anything about cars. She says that she doesn't know a thing about them. He's all, "Good! I hate mechanically minded women." Yeah Jack, the stupid ones are easier to rip off now aren't they? So he's laying on his back in the car now and she feeds some wires down to him through the engine compartment. Once he's got them, he asks her to come hold the light for him. So she comes and sits in the car, and the first thing she does is shove the light in his face. He tells her to move it away from his eyes, so she puts it down lower. At this point, he's lookin' straight up at her hooters. She asks him if that's better and he says, after a pregnant pause, "Yeah." Think I'll throw in a shot of this so you can see what the situation was.

 


Hey be careful honey! You're gonna put someone's eye out with them things!

 

It was actually quite funny. She's like the typical dumb blonde and while he's there working she's all looking around and smiling like she's got pixies flying around her head. He asks her to hand him a screwdriver now and then he asks her something I totally didn't expect. He asks her to marry him! Where the hell did that come from??? She tells him he's crazy and asks him how long they've known each other. She says it's only been two days, but he says that he fell for her in two minutes. She's not being much help at this point and he gets on her case about it. She gets all huffy and starts bitching that she doesn't know why she even came out there this afternoon if all she's gonna get is abuse. He tells her not to pull on the wire she's got in her hand because it'll ruin everything. She's all, "It will? Good!" and then she yanks on it and causes a spark as she jumps out of the car and slams the door shut. About a half a second later, she comes and opens up the car door again and says, "There's only one thing for it. We'll be married and you'll just have to teach me all about cars." Then she slams the car door shut again and takes off. Jeez...women. Oh well, at least he's happy now.

21. Sally goes back to Dr. Moran's house now and Margaret answers the door. She starts givin' Sally a whole lotta smack about being late. Dr. Moran overhears what's going on and he comes out and stops it. He sends Margaret to her room like some kind of a little kid. Man was she pissed, but finally she went on up to her room without saying anything more. When she gets up there, she falls apart and starts crying all over the place. Downstairs, Dr. Moran apologizes to Sally for the way Margaret treated her and then goes on to tell her that he's decided to send Margaret away because it's obvious by her recent behavior that she is in desperate need of a rest. Yeah, either a rest or some high quality valium. He tells Sally that he wants her to take Margaret's place. She says she can't, but he tries to talk her into it. He just want's a nicer lookin' piece of fluff to take care of him once Margaret's out the door...the dirty ol' bastard. She leaves without giving him a firm answer and goes up to her room. After about ten seconds in her room, she throws her coat back on, grabs her purse and leaves. While she's bailin' out the door to go see her soon to be hubby bubby, the doctor and Tanga are downstairs in the lab collecting more tree vomit in a glass beaker. Dr. Moran says that this will be enough and that tonight, they will reach the end. He walks away and Tanga just looks after him and says, "Master." Thing is, he says it in such a goofball way, that it just knocked the cheese factor of that scene up at least a thousand percent.

22. So Sally shows up at the garage now. She's shaking and all messed up. She tells him that she can't stay in that house another minute and that she has to get out of there. Now I'm sorry, but there's just nothing really that's happened up to this point that would cause her to even remotely feel this way. This is just stupid now. Anyway, He tells her to sit down while he gets her a drink. She sits down, and he goes over to his first aid kit that's hanging on the wall. Now most first aid kits have bandages and merthiolate and maybe even smelling salts, but not Jack's. Jack's first aid kit has a bottle of booze and a full size glass in it. Sally slams down the drink with more gonads than a drunken sailor, and then starts talking about how Dr. Moran scares her and that she saw it all in his eyes when he was talking to her. Not sure what she saw behind his eyes, but I can pretty much tell you what you'd find if you looked behind her eyes. A dead hamster in a rusty wheel. She tells Jack that she has to get back because Dr. Moran doesn't know she's gone. Jack tells her that he's going to get her out of there tonight.

23. Scene change now, and Margaret is telling Dr. Moran that she won't leave. Now she's accusing him of being in love with Sally. She tells him she's still in love with him, but he tells her she's just a thing of the past, which was a stupid thing to do because shortly thereafter she tried to stab him with that knife the inspector was looking at. Notice how there haven't been any cops around for quite a while now? Guess they had a rush down at the ol' donut shop or somethin'. Anyway, he stops her from stabbing him, and then when she drops the knife, he strangles her to death. The funny thing is, she didn't die right away. She just stood there for a good eight or ten seconds after he let go, looking at him with this "I can't believe you just choked me to death" look on her face, and then finally she falls over dead. That had to be about the stupidest death scene I've ever seen in a movie. The thing is, it was so stupid it was funny. So that makes it all ok.
24. Later on, Sally comes into the study where Dr. Moran is working. She brings him his tea and tells him that she can't stay with him and that she's sorry for the inconvenience. He tells her that she may leave whenever she wishes. So she runs the hell upstairs and packs her stuff. Stupidly however, she pauses at the main door before she leaves while she waits for Jack to come pick her up. Dr. Moran comes out and reminds her about her salary that she's owed. She tells him to forget about it since she didn't give him proper notice and all, but he insists and tells her that he has it for her in his study. As soon as she walks in there with him though, he closes the door behind her and says, "Did you really think you were going to get away as easily as that?" I seriously doubt she thought anything of the sort. In fact, the only thing this girl is probably thinking about is where she's going to get a can of WD-40 and a new hamster. He tells her to sit down, and when she says no, he says that she almost seems frightened of him. She finally sits down and he asks her why she's in such a hurry to leave. She tells him that she's getting married. He asks her who to and she doesn't want to tell him, but he insists. She tells him that it's Jack Venner. So now at least for once in this movie it's been confirmed what his name actually is. Now I don't have to wonder anymore. Anyway, he tells her to stop being ridiculous and she gets all uppity about it. He grabs her by the shoulders and tells her that he loves her and that he's loved her ever since he first laid eyes on her. He starts going on and on now about how he's going to be acclaimed as the greatest man on Earth, and she's going to share that acclaim with him. Then he takes her through the iron door to show her what's behind it. Something just occurred to me. If it was a big green door that he was going to show her what was going on behind it, this would be a whole different movie!
25. We're at Inspector Brownlow's office now, and he's on the phone talking to someone who was doing a little digging for him. Seems that they made some inquiries down in Rio Di Janeiro and discovered that Dr. Moran had indeed been down there. His informant also told him about a plant that had mystical powers and that Dr. Moran had been down there looking for it. So he gets off the phone now, and that cop that was with him earlier in the movie comes in and tells him that they found a torn piece of the dress that the first girl who disappeared was wearing in a hedge about fifty yards from where she was attacked, in a direct line from Moran's house. The inspector tells the other cop that he's just found out an interesting piece of information too, and then both of them go out to the car to head over to Dr. Moran's house. I only got one thing to say about this. Looks like Dr. Moran isn't going to be playing with plants for too awful much longer. But I'll bet he's gonna see a whole lotta nice long stems in prison.
26. Back at the garage, Jack is trying to call up to the house to see if Sally is ready. There's no answer. A quick cut back to the police station, and we see Sgt. Bolton showing Inspector Brownlow the piece of dress that they found in that bush near Dr. Moran's house. Ok, done with that scene, now we go back to Jack as he's ringing the bell at Dr. Moran's place. Dr. Moran answers the door, and Jack asks if he can come in and have a word with him. The doctor lets him in, and Jack tells him that he's come for Sally. Dr. Moran tells him that she left in the morning, and that he hasn't seen her since. Jack doesn't believe him and he tells Dr. Moran that he thinks that she never left at all and that she's still somewhere in the house. He goes on to say that if he doesn't let him see Sally immediately, that he's going to go to the police. Dr. Moran tells him that he must be crazy to come in there and talk to him like that. Jack gives him a choice, either he sees Sally, or he goes to the police. Dr. Moran tells him to get out and that if he wants to go to the police then he can go because they'll only laugh at him. Jack says that Sally was scared and that there's a lot of weird things going on in that house, and it might be a good thing if those things were looked at. Then he leaves. Now if he was so certain that Sally was still there, wouldn't it have been smarter for him to have taken a gun there and forced Dr. Moran to let her go? I'm not surprised Jack and Sally are getting married. I think there's only about two IQ points separating them, so they're a good match. She's got none and he's got two. So I guess according to community property laws, once they're married they'll have to share the IQ points equally. She'll get a little smarter and he'll get a little stupider. I wonder who'll get custody of the hamsters if they ever get divorced.
27. Dr. Moran has Sally locked in a room. He goes in to see her after Jack leaves, and she demands to know why he's locked her in there. He starts telling her the whole story about the tribe down in the Amazon and how they can bring the dead back to life. He goes on to tell her that she's about to see something that no one else in the civilized world has ever seen. He takes her down to the lab and shows her the tree. She's amazed and asks him what it is. He tells her that it's the great ju ju of Tanga's tribe and that it's their idol and they worship it. He takes her over close to the tree, and Tanga, who's sitting off to the side with his bongo drums, gets this big smile on his face as they get closer and he starts beating on them. Sally gets all scared and asks the doctor what that is. He tells her that it's Tanga and that he's apparently mistaken his reason for bringing her there. He grabs her and pulls her back away from the tree at that point, and Tanga stops playing and gets this really irritated look on his face like someone just knocked over his lego house or something.
28. Over at the police station, Jack runs in and asks for Sgt. Bolton. The cop behind the desk tells him that Bolton isn't there and that he's out with Inspector Brownlow. He tells Jack where Bolton and Brownlow went, and Jack bails out of there with a quickness, jumps in his car, and speeds away to find them. Nothing real funny here. Just a filler scene so that time can pass before we go to the next scene.
29. Sally is watching now as Dr. Moran, who is now dressed in his really spiffy lab coat, fills a syringe with the tree vomit and injects it into a body that he has lying on the table under a blanket. Once the goo is injected, he looks over at the pulsometer to see if it's working. After a very pregnant pause, the pulsometer starts to register and the body under the blanket begins to move. It sits up now, and Sally starts lookin' for a way out. Tanga is looking on intently as the body sits up and the blanket falls away. It's Margaret! Gee, I'll bet you're all as surprised as I am to discover that it was really her under the blanket the whole time. Dr. Moran tries to talk to her, but she's basically a zombie. He finally realizes that he's only brought the body back to life, and not the mind. He starts screaming at Tanga about how his people cheated him and about how they only gave him half the secret. Tanga's all, "Our secret not for you." Now not only does it say it in an unbelievably cheesy way, but he's like smiling all smugly as he says it. Dr. Moran is in shock and starts mumbling about how he failed and about how it's only the body that returned to life with no brain. Then Tanga pipes up again and says, "The brain for us only!" What he doesn't notice in his fit of depression is that Margaret is going after Sally with her arms outstretched like she's going to strangle her. Sally screams, but at just the last second, the serum wears off and Margaret falls to the floor, dead once more. The police show up at the door now as nipple boy Tanga walks over to Sally and says, "Come, I'll take you." She goes with him, but he's not leading her out. He's trying to feed her to the tree. Jack and the cops are in the house at this point, as Dr. Moran runs over to stop Tanga. He grabs Tanga and pulls him back from the tree which causes him to release Sally. They start struggling with Tanga trying to stab Dr. Moran with his knife. Jack busts in at this point, and Dr. Moran tells him to get Sally out of there. Jack takes her out, and Dr. Moran finally manages to knock Tanga to the floor. He says that since they cheated him, he'll destroy their idol just as they've destroyed him. He runs over to his lab table and grabs this bottle of hoop-a-joo. Now he runs back over and throws it at the tree. It kind of explodes and the tree goes up in flames. Tanga jumps up at this point, and as Dr. Moran tries to run up the stairs, Tanga sails his knife right into the doctor's back. The doctor slumps over the railing, and Tanga goes back to kneel down in front of the tree with his arms outstretched and this really sad and pathetic look on his face. And that's the end of the movie. I really had a lot of fun writing this and I hope you all enjoyed it.



Best Quotes

"Well as a scientist, I'm more interested in things with six legs than two. No doubt I'm in the minority."

- Dr. Moran's comment to Sgt. Bolton after the sergeant shows him the picture of the missing girl. - (Reviewer's Note: Why yes...yes you are doctor. Now if we were talking about six boobies or something, then I could understand. But a girl with six legs wouldn't be any fun because she'd always be able to outrun you. I'll bet she could dance up a storm though.)

 


 

Asian Bartender: "He no pay! You do!"
Jilted Girl: "Guess again."
Asian Bartender: "I call police!"


- The Asian bartender raggin' on the girl who just got dumped by her boyfriend. - (Reviewer's Note: Oh my god this was funny. He was saying it so fast and so pissy that I actually had to watch it three or four times because it was so hilarious. All I could think of while I was watching it was about the Asian shopkeeper lady in the movie Don't Be A Menace who followed Loc Dog and Ash Tray all around the store shouting at them, "Hurry up and buy!")

 


 

Margaret: "There was a time when you trusted me."
Dr. Moran: "My dear Margaret, I've never trusted you or any other woman with anything I didn't want anyone else to know."


- Margaret confronting Dr. Moran and questioning him about his activities. - (Reviewer's Note: Oh man. I don't think I even need to comment on that one. I'm sure every guy who's reading this review is saying to himself, "Man, does he have the right idea!" and all the women are saying, "Hey! What's that supposed to mean???" Well I don't know ladies. What is it supposed to mean? Well maybe the next time you're having one of your gossipy chats with the girls, it'll come to you.)




Video Clip
When prompted, enter bmovie for the username and central for the password.

The Woman Eater
Dr. Moran does something absolutely amazing! Not only does he bring Margaret back from the dead, but he brought her back as a mute as well! Now if he could just eliminate the whole resurrection thing and isolate the part that makes bitchy women into mutes, he'd really have something there!



The Conclusion
Oh man, this movie was not what I expected at all. To be honest I didn't really know what to expect. This film was recommended to me by someone whose taste in movies sucks worse than a fifty cent prostitute with bad gums. I'm sure he'd say the same thing about my taste in movies, but it's cool. If we all agreed on what movies were good, then we'd only really need one review site now wouldn't we?

I guess going into this thing, I had expected something really stupid that would bore me to tears and make me sorry I had ever started reviewing it in the first place. Well I was only partially right. The movie is stupid, but it's stupid in a good and cheesy way that makes it really fun to watch. I can't even tell you how much fun I had writing this review. The goofy stupidness of the whole thing gave me massive amounts of material to work with and I just had a seriously great time.

I guess I'll start with what was bad about this movie before I get to the good stuff. Might as well get the bad stuff out of the way first. I think the biggest problem I had with this film is that almost no effort was made to really introduce the characters. Nearly all the people in this movie were on the screen for quite a long time before anyone ever got around to calling them by name. I had gotten the character names from IMDB, so I knew who was in the movie, but much of the time I found myself trying to guess who people were because it was never clearly stated until way later on. The Jack Venner character is a good example of that. His name was never actually mentioned until Sally told Dr. Moran that she was going to marry him. I had only assumed up to that point that that's who he actually was. Then there's the thing with Jack asking Sally to marry him just a day after he first met her. Now honestly, who the hell does that? Much less, how many girls would even accept if a guy actually did do that? The whole thing of them hooking up that quickly was kinda stupid and the relationship feels like it was compressed way the hell down time wise so that they could basically create an instant couple out of them.

Another problem I had with this movie is that they never really showed a good, well lit shot of the tree. I mean, if you're going to make a movie with a monster in it, and that monster is even remotely cool looking, then show the damn thing. Don't keep it in the shadows the whole time. I mean, all you could really see of it was some appendages coming off a big trunk and wiggling around. It was really hard to make out much detail on the thing.

Then there's the cops. Where the hell were they? They had the cops on the case but we hardly ever saw them. What little we did see of them, they seemed competent enough, but even in the end scene where Jack and the cops busted into Dr. Moran's house and Jack ran down to save Sally, the cops were no where to be found. Again I must ask, where the hell were they?

There were parts of this movie that feel like they were thrown in just because they felt like those characters should be in there somewhere, but they weren't really sure what to do with them. For example, there's one cop, Inspector Brownlow's assistant, who never even got his name mentioned at all even though he had more than one scene where he was talking to the inspector.

So basically the long and the short of it is that this movie had it's share of problems. That said, let's look at some of the things that made this movie fun.

First of all, the movie is so goofball and cheesy that it made it incredibly fun to watch. This is the kind of a movie that you'd invite a bunch of friends over to watch it with you so that you could all goof on it and have a really great time. The acting is quite good for the most part with George Coulouris doing a great job as Dr. Moran. Joyce Gregg did a really great job as well in her role as Margaret. There was a chemistry between the two that just worked despite the rather lame relationship that was scripted out for them. Sally, who was played by Vera Day, came off as the quintessential dumb blonde, but despite her shortcomings, I found her actually kinda fun to watch. Yes she was quite stupid, but sometimes she'd get these great looks on her face as though what little mind she had was wandering all over the place. I'm still trying to figure out Tanga though. Tanga was played by Jimmy Vaughn, who played his part ok, but he played it really weird. He was supposed to be one of the Amazon natives, but when he spoke, every nearly every line delivery was done in about the most cheesy fashion imaginable. He would also get these super cheesy looks on his face in almost every time he was on screen. I won't even get into the orgasmic looks he was getting when the tree would eat people. If there was ever anything that defined the word cheesy, this guy was it.

Despite all of it's problems and shortcomings though, this really was a super fun movie. I don't think I've ever had so much fun writing a review, and I highly recommend this movie to anyone who wants to have a really great b-movie evening with their friends. I was originally going to knock off a full bee for all of the problems, but upon reflection, I decided that it was just too much fun for me to knock off an entire bee. So I'm very happy to give this movie...

B-Movie Central's Rating: 4½ Bees

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Unseen Things: Origins



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