War of the Planets

Year Of Release: 1977
Running Time: 95 Minutes
DVD Released By: Retromedia
Directed By: Alfonso Brescia
Writing Credits: Massimo Lo Jacono, Giacomo Mazzocchi
Filming Location: Unknown, but I assume somewhere in Italy.

Starring: John Richardson, Yanti Sommer, Gaetano Balestrieri, Nicolas Barthe, Aldo Canti, Vassili Karis

Tagline 1: See! - Grown Men in Silly Outfits!

Tagline 2: See! - The Women Who Love Them!

Tagline 3: See! - Aliens Wearing Blue Make-Up!

Tagline 4: See! - Spaceships Fly Around!

Alternate Titles:
Cosmo 2000 - Battaglie negli spazi stellari (Italy)
Cosmo 2000 - l'invasione degli extro-corpi (Italy)
Cosmo 2000: Planet Without a Name (USA)
Cosmos: War of the Planets (USA)
War of the Planets (USA)

Interesting Bits of Trivia:
Fans of the Trinity movies starring Bud Spencer and Terence Hill will recognize Yanti Sommer (Mila) as the girl who played Trinity's girlfriend in Trinity is Still My Name.

Rogue Reviewers Round Table Review: December 2004
Review Topic: "Cheese From Outer Space"

Cast of Characters

Captain Fred Hamilton: I don't really know what to say about him, so I wrote a little verse instead. Now I'm no poet, but this should do well enough...

This is the captain of the crew,
And of the spaceship that flew and flew
Searching for something that was new
In a film comprised of total poo

Throughout the darkness of outer space,
A dorky look upon on his face
His lips matched not a single word,
In this cheap Italian sci-fi turd

He got the girl, he saved the world,
This brave ol' captain chap
I wonder if there's any hair, 'neath that cheesy, yet fashionable, red skull cap?

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

Mila: This is Mila. She's window dressing in this movie and doesn't really have any part in it except for playing the captain's love interest. She was basically a throw away character, much like everyone else in this movie.
Peter: This upside down dork is Peter. Again, he's a throw away character, but he has a really goofy scene where he's space walking out to some old satellite or something and he tries to fix it and gets some battery acid on his suit and the captain has to go out and rescue him before the acid eats all the way through his suit. The stupid part about that is, once he got hit with the battery acid, he grabbed his arm and started grunting and groaning in pain like it was burning through his skin. Now if it was burning through his skin, that would mean that it already compromised his suit and he should have been dead. Duh!
Frenchie: This guy's name isn't really Frenchie. I just call him that because he's the token annoying French guy in the crew. He doesn't really do much except walk around popping pate de foie grois pills like they were some sort of French candy. I figured I'd just throw him in here for the goof value because he looks like an adult film actor from the 70's. He ended up getting killed by the great robot entity at the end, which actually made me shed a tear. No really it did. Well, it kinda did. Actually, my eyes may have been watering because I farted. Come to think of it, that's probably what it was.
Itor: I don't know how to spell this guy's name, so I just guessed. He's the leader of the underground city people who built the robots and the great controller robot that are now controlling everything and killing off his people whenever they feel like it. He's not much of a leader though. When the planet started falling apart, he bailed and left with the Earth people, leaving his own people to die. He got his though. He ended up fighting one of the crew members that the controller robot possessed, and after a valiant battle where he got choked out at the end, the captain remotely opened a hatch in the roof and the two got sucked out into space. So I guess it was hardly worth it for him to leave the planet in the first place.

Screen Shots

"Now where's that egg? I know it's up in here somewhere. I just gotta hurry up and get to it before all these other guys."

While trying to grab a screenshot of what a couple of dorks these two guys looked like, I was going through it frame by frame and I happened to catch this. It's just a flaw in the film, but it looks like a bird has pooped on his shoulder. It's only there for like two frames, but as soon as I spotted it, I just knew I had to share it with all of you. I wonder if they have any space Kleenex or maybe even a space laundry there on the ship? I think that guy sitting next to him might need a laundry too. He looks like he just gave birth to somethin'.

Paris Hilton finds new ways to annoy people using space age, black and white television signals.

Man, Spinal Tap must be down on their luck again if they've been relegated to doing interplanetary concert tours for Italian tourists in white jumpsuits and red felt skull caps. I don't think they went after the right audience though if they were looking to make a comeback. These people look more like Devo fans to me.

And here we have an atomic IQ-ometer. The little needle tells you how intelligent the people are in any given film. As you can see by the reading here, the people in this film have just barely enough intelligence to keep from drooling on themselves. Then again, they are Italian. At least they're not Polish. See that line over there to the left with the zero over it? That's the Polish reading. Speaking of Polish people, here's one of my favorite space related Polish jokes for you.

Did you hear about the recent setbacks in the Polish space program?
The astronaut keeps falling off the kite.

As you can see, the crew never leaves the ship without all the proper equipment. This dude here, is all geared up for a little exploratory jaunt around the planet's surface. In one hand he's got his Johnny Rocket Tiny Tot Metal Detector, and in the other, he's got his emergency road light with flashing caution signal at the top just in case his car breaks down. Last but not least, he has his handy dandy Radio Shack pocket calculator (with memory function and that ever so special, hard on the eyes, red vector looking led display) strapped to his wrist. Now you'd think with all that nifty schtuptibooble (yes I just made that word up) he'd be pretty confident in any situation. Unfortunately, he's about to come face to face with one of those robots that you wind up and it walks and shoots sparks out of its chest. Unfortunately, they didn't have the budget for the sparky model, so they had to settle for the cheaper model with the glowing red eyes instead.

"Now, all you Earth women come over here and line up for inspection."

Here's the robot that's been goin' around killin' everyone. I know it looks like he's holding a flashlight, but that's actually a disintegrator ray. I don't know what you all think, but to me he looks like a little robot toy you'd get with a LEGO space set.

Best Quote

Unnamed Crew Woman: "It's a growth of some kind."
Captain Hamilton: "Interesting. I wonder what it is?"

- One of the crew member girls tells the captain about some algae or something she found on a rock. - (Reviewer's Note: Gee, thanks for sharing.)

Video Clip
When prompted, enter bmovie for the username and central for the password.

War of the Planets
There's actually three funny things about this clip. The first is that dork you see on the right there. When the sage type alien guy talks to them with mental telepathy, for some reason, that guy like takes it personally and gets all burly and stuff. The second thing is that one of the crew turns on a camera while the sage is talking to them, and the guys back on the ship can see him and hear what he's saying even though he's not actually talking or sending his thoughts out to them. The third thing is that the dorks on the ship call the captain on his wrist radio and start talking about how the aliens might not be aware of the people left back on the ship and about how they can come attack these alien guys by sneaking around from behind and using their disintegrators. The stupid thing about that is that they were talking to him on his damn wrist radio while he was standing in the middle of the alien dudes, so everyone there heard the idiot. I literally laughed at the stupidity of this for a good ten minutes or more.

Summary and Conclusion

Oh man, this movie could only be described as a train wreck. It took me ages to get through this review because this movie throughout much of the first half of it or so can only be described as tedious. The story is lame, the acting sucks, the character names as listed on IMDB are totally wrong, there's way too many people in the movie, and generally it just flat out sucks. However, I chose this movie for the Rogues "Cheese From Outer Space" roundtable because, well, you've seen the screenshots. Need I say more? For all the crappiness that exists in this film, the one thing that redeems it and makes it a totally worthwhile is the cheese. I guarantee you've never seen anything this bad and this cheesy in all your born days.

Now this part here is where I would normally tell you all about the story. Truthfully though, I don't know what the hell was going on. I can give you the basics, but there were so many side things going on and stuff that didn't really have anything to do with anything, that it made it hard to follow at times. Basically, there's a space command on Earth where they have this computer system called Wiz. What do you think of when you hear the word wiz? Taking a leak right? Yeah, me too. Anyway, they let this computer make all their tactical and command decisions for them and Captain Hamilton don't like it. He ain't shy about showin' it either. Naturally with all the Wiz reliant bureaucrats he has to deal with, this don't go over well so he's put in charge of a spaceship and sent on a mission to find out the origin of some signal that was coming from deep space. So they go out there, get attacked by a couple of drone ships and forced down onto this planet by a robot controller that was built by the alien race that lives there. Now this brings us to the stupidest thing about this whole story.

The giant controller robot lured the humans there to repair it because all the locals had long ago forgotten how to do it. Once they got in there though, the only thing the robot had them do is to remove one circuit board from a slot and replace it with another one that was sitting off to the side there in the same room. Yes, I said the replacement card was literally just sitting there in the same room. They didn't have to configure it or build it or do anything to it other than to just slide it in the slot they pulled the bad one out of. Now why the hell couldn't the controller have brought in one of the locals and explained to him how to do that? Why go through all this hassle with the humans, when with just a few words, it could have told one of the locals how to do the repair? Anyway, once they replaced that one card with another card that looked like an old modem or something, the controller bot was suddenly working perfectly again. The whole thing was incredibly stupid and they should have made the repairs a lot more complex to at least give some sort of a legitimate reason as to why it had to lure the humans there in the first place. They do end up destroying the controller bot after they fix it, but it gets its revenge when its consciousness possesses a few of the crew members and goes on a killing spree after they escape in their spaceship.

One of the major problems with this film is the huge number of throw away characters. There's so many people in this movie that the few characters that actually have a real part in it seem to get lost in the shuffle. Basically, the captain is the only real character in the whole movie and pretty much everyone else is completely expendable.

Even when you take into account the fact that this was an Italian film that had the voices all dubbed, the acting is simply atrociously cheesy. You can just tell from the way they act physically and the doofy looks they get on their faces and such. I can only imagine how much funnier it would be with the original voices instead of the dubbed ones. As with many Italian films from this era, everyone in this movie is actually speaking english, but the accents were so thick that they just dubbed all the voices after the fact using different voice actors so the dialogue would actually be understandable.

Basically, if you're looking for great acting and a great story, this ain't the movie. However, what does redeem this movie is the pure and unadulterated cheese factor. I have never seen a movie as cheap and as completely and utterly cheesy as this one. If you love watching cheesy movies and you find things like this funny, then you're definitely going to love this film.

Speaking of cheese, I have to talk a little about the music. The music is horribly cheesy and totally inappropriate in almost every case and in almost every sense of the word. I mean, how appropriate is it to play Bach's Toccata and Fugue at several points in the same film, much less a sci-fi film? They even played it while they were walking through underground caverns on the alien planet. For those that aren't familiar with the music by name, it's the organ music you hear around Halloween every year. I'm sure you'd know it if you'd hear it. This was followed up by some horrifically bad and out of place harpsichord music, and at one point in the film there was even some disco music that was thrown in there for no apparent reason during an outside shot of the spaceship. I'm just at a loss as to what they were thinking when they were putting this all together.

The visual quality of the DVD is about what you'd expect for a micro budget old film like this. Obviously they wouldn't be able to find pristine original prints of a really low budget film like this at this point, and to be honest, I'm surprised they found it at all. Fortunately, Retromedia got their hands on a pretty nice looking original to make the transfer from, and the video and audio quality are both quite good.

Now there's probably several different versions of this film floating around out there because the character names listed on IMDB are completely different than the names used in this version movie, so I'm assuming that the names were changed when they did the dubbing. Why they changed the names is beyond me, but that's apparently what they did unless someone entered wrong information on the IMDB listing. Just as an example, on IMDB, the character played by Yanti Sommer is listed as Diane, while in this version of the film, her name is Mila. I went with the names that were used in this version obviously because that's the version that's available here in the US.

So who is this film for? Well, if you like great sci-fi, big budget special effects, and great acting, then you probably won't enjoy this film. However, if you can appreciate the cheesiness of bad acting, bad special effects, bad costumes, and horrifically low budgets, then you're gonna love it. I actually considered splitting the rating on this movie because the movie itself sucks, but because I happen to love cheese, I found it to be highly entertaining despite it's suckiness. I guess it all comes down to whether you can appreciate it or not. I did, and that's why I was happy to give this movie...

B-Movie Central's Rating: A Bat for the movie but 5 Bees for the Cheese!

Purchase this film from Amazon:

This link is for the 2 Disc Italian Science Fiction Collection,
which includes this film and War of the Robots.

This film is not available
through Movies Unlimited.

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My series of contemporary fantasy / sci-fi novels, Unseen Things is now available through the official website, Amazon, Smashwords and other online retail sites.

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