Double Agent 73

Year Of Release: 1974
Running Time: 72 Minutes
DVD Released By: Something Weird Video
Directed By: Doris Wishman
Writing Credits: Judy J. Kushner, Doris Wishman
Filming Location: Unknown

Starring: Chesty Morgan, Frank Silvano, Saul Meth, Jill Harris, Louis Burdi, Peter Petrillo, Cooper Kent, Joseph Chiaro, Denise Purceli, Donny Lee, Kurt Brandt, Nat Perogine

Tagline: Watch out for the booby traps...they're loaded!

Alternate Titles: I was unable to locate any alternate titles for this film.

Interesting Bits of Trivia:
Chesty Morgan, who's real name is Lillian Wilczkowsky, only appeared in four films throughout her career, and in those films, her lines were dubbed due to her thick Polish accent. Although she did only appear in four films, she became notable not because of her acting, but because of her very ample physique, which measured in at an incredible 73FF-32-36. Chesty was born in 1928 in Poland and then moved to Israel before finally making her home in America.

Rogue Reviewers Round Table Review: February 2004
Review Topic: The "B-Movie Boobies Appreciation Month" Roundtable

Cast Of Characters
Jane Genet: Let me just say that professional strippers don't have their breasts out as much as this chick does. This is secret agent Jane Genet played by the legendary Chesty Morgan. Chesty isn't legendary because of her acting or any outstanding accomplishments she may have performed in her life. She's legendary because she has a 73 inch bust that she can use to take pictures, beat people up, suffocate people, and generally use to bend men to her will. She only appeared in four movies throughout her career, but that was enough to make her a legend. Anyway, her character in this one, Jane, is hot on the trail of a big time heroin dealer. She kills a whole lot of people before she finally gets the right one in the end. Too bad it turned out to be the guy she fell in love with.
Bill: This is Bill. Bill doesn't have a last name. Poor Bill. Poor, poor Bill. Anyway, he's Jane's boss at the spy agency, and he's pretty much an idiot. See, he didn't tell her that the camera she had implanted into her breast was rigged with explosives and was set to explode if she didn't get back and have it removed by a certain time. Gee, I guess it just slipped his mind huh?

Tim (Ivan Toplar): This guy told Jane his name was Tim, and maybe it is, but I never really got if that was his name or not. Tim's a fellow agent and he was assigned to assist Jane and be her contact. His alias was "Atlantis-Seven" and I have a little comment about that in the screenshots section. Anyway, Tim turns out to be none other than the infamous Ivan Toplar. Ivan is the heroin dealer Jane is after. He has a change of heart at the end of the film. Unfortunately, Jane wasn't in any mood to listen to it.

Igor Stotsky: Pretty cool character shot huh? I got a full face shot of him and I couldn't resist making a shot like this. This movie was so goofy, I didn't think it'd matter if I played with it a bit. Igor is Ivan's main henchman and he's the one who killed agent 99 at the beginning of the film, which lead us into this whole misadventure. He never actually gets killed in the film, but he does get messed up pretty bad. See, Jane doesn't like being tied up and beaten, and she let him know about it with the business end of a broken bottle to the face...three or four times.

Screen Shots

Remember that episode of the original Star Trek where they had a disease that looked just like this? I think it was the episode with the kids who were all alone on that planet and they got the disease when they hit puberty. Where's Dr. McCoy when you need him huh?

Man, don't even ask. I have no idea either, but when I saw it. I knew I had to put it in here.

And here we have Jane "hanging out" at her favorite local nudist camp. If you're wondering what she's looking at here, she's looking at the dog in the screenshot above. And by the way...I still have no clue what the dog was doing there.

Someone slipped this note under Jane's door. This just might be a clue! Wait a minute. Black trim. What about the fur hat? I thought we were looking for drug dealers here, not a pimp.
Ok, this shot comes after a completely pointless scene in the above mentioned rock bar. Jane goes to this room in the hotel the bar is located in and blows her way through the door. Now here's what's wrong with this shot. First of all, if she's a secret agent, then how come she doesn't know how to pick a lock? Secondly, look at what she's blowing the door with. It's a bunch of leftover clay that was all squished together with a rubber band and something else attached to it. Now I'm sorry, but not even MacGuyver can blow a door with clay and a rubber band. But does that impede our super secret agent? Hell no! That door blew wide open, complete with a dubbed explosion sound and a little bit of a flash.

Woohoo!!! It's another clue! She got this clue after she blew up Toplar's first henchman with an exploding lipstick case. These clues come from her spy people by the way. They're actually a bunch of symbols and stuff, but then they magically fade into the actual message so the espionage challenged among us can read what it says. The 8 with the pin through it is the symbol that tells her that the message came from her agency. I just thought of something. She's Double Agent 73 because she has a 73 inch bust. So if this guy she's going to meet up with at the zoo is called Atlantis-Seven, that must mean...

This is what it would have looked like if they had a door instead of a shower curtain in Psycho. This guy killed the girl that brought Jane the message from the screenshot above. See, he was thinking that it was actually Jane he was killing, and not some other no-name secret agent chick. Now when you send a henchman to kill someone, wouldn't it make sense to tell him about any unusual characteristics the victim has that would help him to identify her so he knows he's got the right woman? I mean, how hard is it to mention to someone, "Ok, look for a tall girl with platinum hair, too much eye makeup, and uh...oh yeah, a 73 inch bust." And when he killed the girl, he stabbed her like thirty or forty times. Well, he kinda stabbed her. It looked like the way little kids stab each other when they're farting around. Anyway he left her a bloody mess in the shower. Now I'm forced to wonder something here. He's supposed to be a hit man, so why doesn't he have a gun with a silencer? I mean one shot and he could have been out the door. Obviously we're not dealing with professionals here.

This is the face Jane makes when she's killin' somebody. In this case, it's the schmuck who blew the hit from the screenshot above. She gassed him with some kind of gas that knocked him out, and then shoved ice cubes in his mouth to choke him to death. This is the face she was making while she had her hands over his mouth. I personally think it looks more like a face she'd make when she's gassin' somebody, but there you go.

Man, this movie was full of all kinds of goofy faces. This is the face this guy made when he walked in on her snooping around in his room and she whipped out her spiffy spy hair pin dart and threw it at him. It stuck in his neck and he was bleedin' all over the place. I'd probably make that face too if someone stuck a pin in my neck.
And I can't even hardly spell the word gratuitous.

Best Quotes

"What a fool I've been. He's been using me. I really thought he loved me and all the time he was using me. I thought I finally found the man I loved. Them man who I could spent the rest of my life with. The man who could be the father of my children. A house in the other women. Oh what's the use? What a fool I've been."

- Jane lamenting the fact that Tim, the man she loved, turned out to be Ivan Toplar, the man they'd been after all along. - (Reviewer's Note: I don't know if she oughta be thinking about having kids. I mean, wouldn't breast feeding a kid with them things be kinda dangerous? I mean, the poor kid could explode or somethin!)


Video Clip
When prompted, enter bmovie for the username and central for the password.

Double Agent 73
Jane gets captured by Igor, and then shows us all why girls should never try to hock a loogie. Also notice that when he smacks her around, he's doing it with his right hand to the left side of her face, but when they cut back to her after it's over, all her injuries are on the right side of her face. I don't think there's a milk carton big enough to find the missing continuity in this film.

Summary and Conclusion

Why am I giving this movie such a good rating? Well, I asked myself the same question. Normally I'd give a movie like this with such lame writing, pathetic acting, and completely nonexistent continuity a poor rating, but not this time. No, this time I'm basing my rating purely on entertainment value. What this film lacks in all other aspects, it makes up for in pure entertainment value. I haven't laughed this hard at a film in a very long time. Now mind you, this is what I call a 2X movie, so that probably made it a lot funnier than it would normally be, but still, even watching the scenes over and over again, they were hilarious every time.

Let me explain what I mean by a 2X movie, and maybe you'll understand why it was so funny. A 2X movie is a movie that has pretty minimal dialogue and long spaces where nothing much happens, so you can watch at least 50 to 60% of it at double speed and it helps you to not only get through it faster, but it makes scenes that wouldn't ordinarily be funny, completely hilarious. The thing about this movie is , you can watch the entire thing at double speed, and it's almost like watching an episode of Benny Hill. The cool thing about the player I use on my PC is that you can watch the movie at double speed and the sound continues to play. So I did it while working on this review just to add to my own enjoyment of the film and to get through it a bit faster. Now let me tell you something about watching this film at double speed. It took a film that already ranged from boring to hilarious, got rid of the boring and made the hilarious bits twice as funny. So if you get the chance to see this movie, and you have the ability to watch it in double speed, do it. You won't be sorry.

Now, let's get down to the meat and melons of this movie. Chesty Morgan plays Jane Genet. A secret agent who likes to hang out at nudist camps in her off time. She's assigned to track down Ivan Toplar, a notorious heroin dealer. Along the way, she kills several people who had nothing to do with the plot, shakes her boobies a lot, and generally wanders around from one pointless scene to another. Eventually, she discovers that the mysterious Ivan Toplar is really a fellow agent that she had fallen in love with named Tim. At least that's what he told her his name was. But you know, it was the 70's and guys didn't usually give girls their real names anyway. Anyway, after killing several of Toplar's agents that were really nothing more than a bunch of filler victims whose only purpose in life was to make this film longer, she finds out that Tim, the man she loves, is really the man she's been after all along. So what does she do when she finds this out? Well, she goes and kills him in what amounted to nothing more than an incredibly anti-climactic and generally low key scene. Right before she killed him, he was telling her how he was ashamed of the deals he had been involved with and he only did it to make money and now that he fell in love with her he wanted to marry her and make a mends for his former crimes. Now I thought that since he poured his heart out to her, she'd get a soft heart and run off with him. Boy, was I wrong. She got all cold and silent and then whipped out a gun and shot him. I guess he just caught her at that time of the month or something and she wasn't in the mood for any more of his crap.

Now there's one absolutely hilarious thing that happened in this movie that I've just got to mention. At the beginning of the film, they implanted a small micro camera into one of her breasts. All she had to do to take a picture was jiggle her breast a bit, and the camera would snap the photo. So every time she killed someone, she'd whip out her breasts and do a little lift-squeeze the one with the camera and a flash would go off and it would snap a picture. I'm still trying to figure out where the hell the flash came from. Anyway, it turned out at the end that if she didn't get back in time for them to remove the camera, the camera would explode. Fortunately, she made it back with about ten or fifteen minutes to spare, but I found myself wondering what the hell the point to that was?

The acting in this movie was absolutely pathetic. Now this isn't always a bad thing. In this case, it actually made the movie really funny. The dialogue was often just incredibly painful to listen to, but you couldn't help but smile at the goofiness of it. Oh, and another thing I should mention is that every last bit of dialogue in this movie was dubbed. They were all speaking English in the movie, but they dubbed all the voices over anyway. I know they did this for Chesty Morgan because of her thick Polish accent, but I don't know why they did it for the other guys. Maybe they just couldn't afford studio microphones so they just recorded all the voices in post-production. Who knows? It's probably better that they did that anyway since it actually allowed you to hear people speaking where you otherwise probably wouldn't have if they had used a live mic.

Doris Wishman has made a lot of movies like this, and most of them were probably just plain bad. This movie has one thing that her previous outing with Chesty Morgan, Deadly Weapons, didn't have...entertainment value. Where Deadly Weapons was just flat out boring, this one gave me some of the best laughs I've had in a long time. I can't recommend the movie on a technical level, but on a fun level, I can recommend it wholeheartedly. Watch with one with your friends at a midnight B-Movie party, and I guarantee you won't be disappointed. So that said, I'm happy to give this goofball mess of a film...

B-Movie Central's Rating: 3½ Bees

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