The Unearthly

Year Of Release: 1957
Running Time: 70 Minutes
DVD Released By: Image Entertainment
Directed By: Boris Petroff
Writing Credits: John D.F. Black (as Geoffrey Dennis), Jane Mann, Edward D. Wood Jr. (characters)

Filming Location: Unknown

Starring: John Carradine, Myron Healey, Allison Hayes, Marilyn Buferd, Arthur Batanides, Sally Todd, Tor Johnson, Harry Fleer, Roy Gordon, Guy Prescott

Tagline 1: An army of mutants on a mission from hell!

Tagline 2: Lured! to the house of monsters. - No escape from "The Unearthly"

Tagline 3: Guaranteed to frighten!

Alternate Titles:
House of the Monsters (1957) (USA: working title)
Night of the Monsters (1957) (USA: working title)

Interesting Bits of Trivia:
David Carradine starred in no less than 249 movies and made 76 television appearances throughout a career that spanned nearly six decades. John made his acting debut in 1925 at a theater in New Orleans playing in Camile. Two years later, he moved to California where he did voice work in several films until he at last had his own film debut in 1930's Tol'able David, in which he was credited as Peter Richmond. You may remember Tol'able David as the film that was show in Ollie and Martha's theater in the movie, The Tingler. All during John's prolific film career, he managed to maintain a stage career in classic leading roles such as Hamlet and Malvolio.

Trivia Note From Rob (One of my readers):
The creature at the bottom that I called "Kevin" is actually played by Harry Thomas. Harry did the make-up for this film as well as many other Ed Wood films.




Cast Of Characters
Dr. Charles Conway: Oh man this guy is so totally full of himself. He thinks he's got this great plan to create immortal life by implanting a 17th gland into the human body. All he really ends up doing is messing people up real bad. He irritated me early on in the review, so I gave him a nickname. Read on to find out what it is.

Grace Thomas: Oh my god! This woman is irritating, stupid, unhelpful, and just a general annoyance. Dr. Wright brought her there to get her depression cured. Now if only there was a cure for stupidity.

Dr. Loren Wright: This schmuck is the guy that brings Dr. Conway all of his test subjects. He makes sure they don't have any family hangin' around somewhere, and then he brings them to be used as guinea pigs in Dr. Conway's experiments.

Lobo: Tor Johnson has played Lobo many times, but he's usually pretty messed up when he does it. Just look at him in Night of the Ghouls and you'll see what I mean. He actually fares pretty well in this movie though. He's not messed up and he lives through the end. He was one of Dr. Conway's subjects. Dr. Conway turned him from a skinny little twerp into a giant, but his brain was damaged in the process. Now he serves Dr. Conway as a butler...kinda. Now if he could only find his teeth and a toilet, he would finally be able to achieve ultimate bliss.

Lt. Mark Houston: This guy is a slick operator. He's a cop, but he showed up at Dr. Conway's house pretending to be a criminal on the run. Dr. Conway tries to blackmail him into doing his bidding, but Mark only has two things on his mind. Scoring with chicks and thwarting the doctor's plans. Too bad he scored with the wrong chick. He ended up with Grace.

Dr. Sharon Gilcrist: She's the cold hearted scientist type. At least she kinda comes off that way until late in the movie when we find out she's really in love with Dr. Conway and they got this thing goin' on. If she had been an interesting character, I'd have more to say about her. But as she wasn't really all that interesting, let's move on...

Danny Green: Danny is an incredibly annoying drug addict. When he's not bitching or complaining about something, he's screaming for his shot to stop the burning. He actually makes quite a turn around at the end and helps Mark in his efforts to stop the doctor. Too bad he didn't live to see the end result.

Natalie Anders: This chick is way seriously hot. She was there to be cured of her depression or whatever, and she ended up as yet another one of Dr. Conway's guinea pigs. Mark should have seriously made an effort to hook up with her instead of that annoying Grace. At least she seemed pretty intelligent.

Harry Jedrow: Doesn't he look like one of those guys that sits outside the haunted house on Halloween all stiff like, and then when the kids come by he jumps out and makes them all pee in their costumes? This is Harry Jedrow. He was one of Dr. Conway's patients. All he does is sit in a chair throughout most of the movie and twitch his face a little. It's not until the end that he actually comes to life and manages to pull a nice little surprise on the good doctor.

Skipper: This is Skipper! He's Dr. Conway's little friend and drinking buddy. He doesn't do much except sit around and get poked with a pointer when Dr. Conway is explaining biology to people. Still, at least he didn't become one of Dr. Conway's guinea pigs. Then again, looking at him now, he might just as well have been.




The Plot

Dr. Conway has discovered that by inserting a gland of his own creation into a living human body, he can potentially cause the human life span to extend by hundreds or even thousands of years. Unfortunately his process is not complete and he needs human guinea pigs to experiment on. That's where Dr. Loren Wright comes in. He brings lone individuals with no family to speak of to Dr. Conway's house on the auspices that he can cure their depression or other problems. Once there, the doctor treats his patients, but then just before they're to be released, he uses them in his glandular experiments. Everything was going as planned until Mark Houston showed up at the house. Will Mark be able to stop the doctor's horrific experiments before any more innocents are hurt? Will Grace ever get a clue? Will Lobo ever find the ex-lax in the bathroom cupboard? The answers to all these questions and more will be revealed...right now.




What The Hell???
1. Well I just had a nap and I'm still a little funky, but I'll see if I can wake up while I'm writing here. Hopefully I won't be too awful incoherent. Then again, the incoherence of my writing is one of it's many charms. Oh well wait, what's this now? Big spooky ol' mansion lookin' house that looks like it was abandoned years ago. Looks the like last people that lived in this place were The Addams Family. Man the yard is a mess too. My dog wouldn't even do the hunchback in this yard. It's horrible. Wait, what's this? Well now, it seems that the place isn't abandoned after all. There's a light that just came on in one of the upper rooms. Let's go inside now and have a look at what turned on the light. Wait a minute. Something just occurred to me here. Why does a place that looks like it's been abandoned for fifty years still have electricity. Man, I just wrote all that paused on a still frame of the house at eight seconds into the movie. How do I do it you may ask? Raw talent baby! Oh and then there's that mojo thing I got goin' on too.

2. Whoa! There's some chick screaming from inside the house! They go into the house with a camera shot and we see that Lobo has her pinned down and she's clawing his face with her fingernails and screaming. So in addition to having scratch marks on his face, poor ol' Lobo is gonna be deaf too. I swear, Lobo never catches a break in these movies. The shot leaves the two of them now and goes back outside the house to the same shot we opened with. She's still screaming by the way. I have the feeling she's not going to be screaming for much longer though. There now, I was right. She did stop screaming. Oh and look! I guess she's dead, because her ghost just flew out of the window and turned into the opening titles. You know, I've said it before and I'll say it again. No matter how many movies I see Tor Johnson in, he always looks like he hasn't taken a crap since 1937. He's always got that look on his face like there's a big one comin' but he can't quite squeeze it out.

3. Ok...titles...titles...creepy music...titles...more creepy music...more titles...hmmmm. I need a snack for this review. Think I'll go get one before the actual movie starts. Be right back. Ok back. I got two apples and two peanut butter-chocolate chip cookies. So basically I'll keep the doctor away but I'll need toilet paper and a dentist. I don't know if that's a good trade off or not. Anyway, back to the review now. Once the credits are over, we...man, that's a damn good apple...we see an older man and a pretty young girl drive up to the house. They go up to the door and ring the bell. I'll skip the Orgazmo "ring the bell" reference here since I used it in the last review. Anyway, the place isn't abandoned after all I guess. Lobo goes and opens the door for them, and the interior of the house actually looks pretty nice and well kept. They come walking in the house as Lobo stands there looking at them like they just stole all his marbles. The older guy asks him to let Dr. Conway know that they're there. Dr. Conway comes down the stairs at this point and greets them. Mmmphmmmrphmmmmppphhh....sorry. Had a mouth full of apple there. Anyway, Dr. Conway greets his two guests and we find out that the old guy is Dr. Loren Wright. Loren...what the hell kind of a name is that for a guy? I bet he got beat up a lot in school. Anyway, the chick is Grace Thomas and she's a patient of Dr. Loren's. I'm looking at John Carradine here too and he kinda reminds me of Max Von Sydow for some reason. I think it's the eyes and the shape of his face. So anyway, they all three walk upstairs and Lobo watches them go up lookin' like, "Hey! Where you go with Lobo's marbles?" Poor Lobo. Yeah...poor, poor Lobo. I'm sad now. Maybe one of these tasty cookies will cheer me up. Yep, it did.

 


"If Lobo not so constipated, Lobo would come upstairs and take marbles back!"

 

4. We're upstairs now and Dr. Conway just introduced them to his young and beautiful female assistant, Dr. Gilcrist. She was only there for a second though because she left when they came in. So the three of them are all sitting there talking now. Close-up's abound in this scene, giving me ample opportunity to get some great character shots. I love movies that make my job easier. It's fun too because I can go through frame by frame to see if I can catch them with a goofy expression on their face. Lately I've been looking for images that will help me to continue my now long running Japanese teeth magic joke. The joke started in my Godzilla vs. Monster Zero review. It was funny then and it's funny now. Anyway, I got my screenshots, so back to the review. The three of them are talking now and Loren is saying how great it is that Dr. Conway has accepted her case and how he's sure that with a little time and work that they'll be able to cure her. Cure her of what you may ask? Well apparently it's depression, although she doesn't look all that depressed. I might suggest to all future actresses that are required to play the part of a clinically depressed person, that you actually do a little reading up on the subject and maybe talk to someone who does suffer from it, 'cause seriously, I'm sitting here watching her talk, and all I find myself being able to is to stare at her teeth and think about my next Japanese teeth magic joke. Dr. Conway is telling her that she's made a wise decision in coming there and says that he's sure he can help her. Well now aren't we just a little full of ourselves? You know, John Carradine has kind of a banana shaped head, and he's been irritating me already three minutes into the movie with his full of himself attitude. I can already tell he's gonna be a jerk, so maybe I should just refer to him as banana head for the rest of the review. I know it's not my usual style, but at least that would make me feel better. I think I will. What the hell. I've never used nicknames for characters in a review before, so this could be fun. From now in this review Dr. Conway will be referred to as banana head. Maybe if Lobo eats the doctor's banana head later on he'll finally get loosened up enough to take that crap that he's been waiting to give birth to since 1937. Hey I just though of something cool. Maybe Lobo could grab an axe later on and make himself a banana split!

5. Banana head's assistant comes in at this point and takes Grace to her room to help her get settled in. Dr. Wright tells her that he'll get in touch with her father and ask him to send over the things that she'll need. She thanks him and then her and Sharon head off to her room. As soon as they walk out the door, ol' banana head loses it. He starts yelling at Dr. Wright about how the patients he brought there were to have no families and no ties whatsoever. Dr. Wright calms him down and tells him that she doesn't have any ties at all...because she committed suicide. He tells banana head that her bag and her coat will be found floating in the bay. A quick shot to Grace's room where Sharon is helping her get settled in, and then we go back to the two doctors who are now having a drink together. They're toasting to youth and to eternity. Dr. Wright takes a sip of his drink, as you would expect any normal person to do. Is that good enough for banana head? Hell no! He slams it down in two big swigs! Somebody's an alcoholic in this room, and it isn't Dr. Wright.

 


"Over the lips and past the gums, I got heart burn, where's the Tums?"

 

Anyway, Dr. Wright says that he's anxious to see the results of banana head's last experiment on Jedrow. Banana head tells Dr. Wright to come along and he'll show him. 

6. So the two of them go into this dark room where this guy who looks like a heroin addict with a skunk stripe in his hair is sitting in a chair with a light over his head that's turned off. Banana head turns the light on, but the guy doesn't open his eyes or anything. He just twitches a few times. Almost looks like Grandpa Munster's cousin or somethin'. He's got this big gnarly scar runnin' down his neck too. I'd say something funny about it, but I can't think of anything. Here's something funny though. Check this out...

 


"How about we just add a little insult to go with that injury?"

 

 


"And just to make sure he sees it..."

 

Ok I think I'm done laughing now. I shouldn't have put those shots in here yet because I haven't been able to stop laughing ever since. That's just one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I wonder how it got past the censors of the time? Anyway... no... wait... can't... control... laughter... any... longer.......... Will... strong... body... weak..... hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Oh man. They say laughter is the best medicine. It sure looks like ol' Jedrow here could stand to hear a few good jokes. I wonder if anyone's told him about the whole banana head thing yet? Anyway, banana head tells Dr. Wright that this twitching thing is the first reaction he's seen from Jedrow since they attempted to re-stimulate the glandular flow and he slipped into this state of suspended animation. Jedrow is the guy's last name by the way. Didn't want you all thinkin' he was one of the Beverly Hillbillies or somethin'. His first name is Harry. We haven't found that out yet, but I just thought I'd let you all know so there's no confusion. Anyway, banana head flicks a lighter in front of the guy's eyes and he doesn't even twitch. Then he pulls the guy's arm up off the arm of the chair. It's stiff as hell and banana head has a hard time moving it up and down. Jeez, I wonder how this guy is supposed to pinch a loaf? I mean, Lobo must look like he's got the squirts compared to this guy. Banana head says that Jedrow is suffering from talamatic paralysis. At least I think that what he said. He thinks poor ol' Jedrow got it from an internal radiation burn in the ol' noggin. Dr. Wright asks banana head if the guy will be all right. Um....dork! Look at the guy! Does he look like he's going to be all right??? Jeez, what a stupid question. Banana head wants to know why he's so concerned about this guy recovering. Dr. Wright says that they're in a bit of difficulty. Seems that Harry Jedrow has a sister, and she's showed up at the doctor's office looking for him. Needless to say this gets banana head's peel in a bunch. Man, is he ticked off. He tells the doctor to go wait in his office while he goes to see Grace. As the doctor leaves, banana head calls in Lobo. Lobo comes in with...man, I never realized what a lumpy head Tor Johnson has. There's a close up of it now and man...it looks like someone stretched some latex over a bag of marshmallows. Anyway, banana head walks out as Lobo walks in. He's carrying a metal bowl with him. As he walks over to Jedrow, he's all hunched over and lookin' at him like it's givin' him the creeps even being there. He reaches out and closes Jedrow's eyes, which were still open from when the doctor flipped him the bird, and then he starts to give him a bit of a sponge bath with the wash cloth he had in the bowl of water. Hey, I just though of something funny...

 


"It's ok. Lobo know how you feel. Lobo bring enema bag."

 

7. Walkin' upstairs with banana head now. He just walked into Grace's room without even knocking or anything. She's in bed, and he starts feeding her all of his banana B.S. about how radiant she looks and all that crap. She tells him that she likes it here very much. He asks her what the problem is, and she starts explaining to him about how she's frightened all the time. He tells her that she mustn't be afraid of anything. Yeah, good advice doc. I'm sure she's all cured now. You're a miracle worker! Dork. She goes on to say that often she wants to cry...just cry. She has no one to turn to. He tells her to trust him implicitly and come to him with any problems she may have. After some more B.S., Sharon comes walking in with Grace's medication and tells banana head that Dr. Wright is waiting for him in his office. Banana head excuses himself and leaves as Sharon gives Grace her pills.

8. Back in banana head's office, banana head comes walking in and tells Dr. Wright that he's just looked in on Grace and that he doesn't anticipate any great difficulty in getting her straightened out. Sharon comes in and tells them that she's just given Grace her sedative. She spots Grace's coat and purse hanging on the coat rack and says that she'll take them in to her. Banana head stops her and says that he'll take them. She's looking at him like, "Ok. So what's up your butt?" I'm wondering now if she actually knows anything about what's going on with the doctor and his wacky experiments. So banana head takes the coat and purse downstairs and gives them to Dr. Wright along with an admonition to him for getting careless. Dr. Wright gives him this look right before he leaves like, "Ok. So what's up your butt?" Gee guys I don't know. Just what is up his butt? Maybe a banana? Hey wait a minute! If he had a half of a banana sticking out of his butt, would that make it a banana split? I wonder how many times I can use the word banana in this review?

9. Outside now...darkness...spooky music, and all that other cool jazz like that right there. Some dude is creepin' around in the foliage lookin' like he's trying to find a suitable spot to do the hunchback. What he doesn't know though, is that he's got two problems. There's a dog out there somewhere lookin' for that prime hunchbackin' spot too. I know this because I can hear him barking. He doesn't sound like he's in any mood to be fightin' this dude for a hunchback position either, so this guy better watch out. His other problem is Lobo, who's creepin' around out there as well. I seriously doubt Lobo is lookin' for a place to cop a squat though. You'd need a steam shovel to dig a hole big enough for one of his. See how cool I am? I just wrote all that based on about five seconds of footage. Now you know why these reviews take so long. Anyway, the guy is lookin' at the house now. Maybe he thinks he can score some toilet paper or something. God knows Lobo isn't usin' any. I guess he's pretty possessive of it though because he just snuck up on the guy, grabbed him from behind and dragged him into the house. The guy wrapped his gun up in a hanky though and hid it behind a tree before lobo did that. My question is, if he had a han key, why didn't he just use it instead of trying to steal Lobo's toilet paper? Confused yet? Good, then I'm using my literary skills to their fullest potential in my efforts to keep you confused and amused all at the same time. Sometimes I swear I can fart sunshine.

10. Ok back in the house now. Lobo drags the guy in and banana head comes down and asks what's going on. Lobo's all, "I found him in the garden." Ok Lobo, finish the story. Tell banana head what the guy was doin'. He was lookin' for a place where he could crap on the chrysanthimums...poop on the posies...defecate on the dahlias...drop turds on the tulips... Ok, I think that joke's run its course. Back to the movie. Banana head asks the guy what he was doing out there. The guy says that he was lookin' for a way back to civilization. He tells banana head that he was hitchhiking and the guy dropped him off in the middle of nowhere. Banana head doesn't believe him and then the guy says that it's not what he thinks and that he wasn't there to steal anything. Man, that was a quick change of story. The doctor basically tells him he's full of crap, which I'm sure the guy already knows because he didn't get a chance to do his business before Lobo grabbed him. Yes, the joke resurfaces! Like a fart bubble in a bathtub, you just can't keep a good joke down. Anyway, banana head tells him his story is ridiculous and then calls him Mr. Scott. The guy says that that's not his name and tells banana head that his name is Mark Houston. Banana head doesn't believe him and tells him that he's Frank Scott, killer and thief. The guy says he's ridiculous and banana head says that there was a detailed description of him in the police bulletin this morning. The guy says he's sick and that he ought to see a doctor, to which banana head replies that he is a doctor and that he's in full control of his faculties. Hey, neat trick here. Banana head offers the guy a cigarette, and when the guy reaches for it we can see that there's a star tattoo on his hand. The's doctor's all, "Just as I though!" So now we know that not only is Frank a killer and a thief, but he's also stupid. Banana head tells him to sit down. Frank tells him he must be out of his mind, but then Lobo steps up and Frank changes his mind about talking back. He sits down and banana head keeps interrogating him, but then tells him that he's not going to turn him in and that he's going to offer him sanctuary. The guy wants to know what the angle is, and the doctor says that they'll talk about it in the morning. He has Lobo take the guy up to his room and begins to call the guy Mark Houston since the guy obviously needs an alias. Lobo takes the guy up to his room, hopefully by way of the nearest bathroom, and then the scene changes.

11. Two people. One nice looking blonde in a sexy dress, and one dorky lookin guy with a bad haircut are sitting at a dinner table. She's reading a book and totally not paying attention to him as he complains about the food and about being cooped up like an animal being told what do to and where to go and where to sit and everything else. Blah blah, blah blah, blah blah. What a dork. I think this is one of banana head's "patients" but I'm not sure yet. The girl, who is really damn hot, just ignores him as she keeps reading her book. Lobo just brought the guy some toast. Lobo is dressed spiffily in his butler outfit. So Lobo is nice enough to bring this guy some toast to go with his breakfast, and then the guy bitches about the eggs, bitches about the toast being cold, and then bitches at Lobo for not being able to do anything right. Then he starts yelling at Lobo to get out of there because he makes him nervous. Jeez, what a jerk! You know what I'd like to see right now...



"LOBO SMASH BAD MAN!!!" - *thump* - *crack* - *thud* - *stomp* - *crunch* - *squish*

Then banana head would come in and get all ticked off and say, "Lobo what have I told you about squishing my patients? Now go get a mop and clean this up immediately."

"Man bad. Lobo smash." "Lobo go get mop now."

And then Lobo would walk away all sad to get the mop and the bucket.



You know, maybe I should write my own movie. I come up with some pretty fun stuff. Anyway, the hot chick bitches the jerk out for being mean to Lobo, saying how Lobo is always nice to him but all he ever does is yell at poor Lobo. I feel this whole beauty and the beast thing happenin' here. Can you feel it? I knew you could. The guy gets all ticked off because he feels trapped there and she's not paying attention to his bitching because she's reading her book so he gets all ticked off about her reading while he's talking to her and then she gets all ticked off because he's yelling all the time and trying to tell her what to read and then he gets ticked off even more and starts stomping around and then Mark comes downstairs and walks in and the pissy guy is still ticked off and acting like a child and she looks up at Mark and gets all googly eyes and he says hello and she says hello and then she introduces herself as Natalie Anders and then introduces the pissy guy as Danny Green and then she asks Mark to sit down and he does and she pours him some coffee and he says thanks and then she asks him when he got there and he says he came in last night late and she says she's glad to have someone else to talk to because smiley over there was gettin' on her nerves and then she asks him...phew, that's one damn long sentence. I hope you're not a lip reader or you'll need oxygen now. Basically the long and the short of it is that Mark and Danny get into a big screaming argument and then Sharon comes down and takes Danny away up to the lab. Funny thing is, this Mark guy doesn't seem like a killer or anything. He stuck up for the lady and put this Danny schmuck in his place. All in all he seems like a pretty decent guy. At least generally. He still has that little problem of crappin' in the woods and scaring all the little leprechauns away...but I guess we can forgive him for now. But if I seen anything floatin' in the punch bowl later...he's had it!

12. Up in the lab, Danny is goin' nuts and bitchin' about how it burns and blah blah blah. Man this guy never shuts up. Banana head tells Sharon to shoot the guy up with whatever drug they're using on him. Looks like he's a heroin addict, because when she shot him up with that stuff, he looked like he was havin' an orgasm or something. Mark opens the door and stands in the doorway while she's doing that. He says he's seen guys look like that before. Banana head gets a little irritated with him for not knocking, but Mark says that he just thought they might need a little help because he's had experience with guys like this before. Sharon Takes Danny to his room now, and Mark stays to talk to banana head. They start discussing how Mark can be of help to him. He starts talking about how he's a scientist and how he's done glandular research on the thyroid and pituitary glands that have taken him far beyond what man has formerly known as fact. Man, this guy blows his own horn so much, I'm surprised he ever leaves the house. (Please note: If you have a dirty mind, that last comment is quite funny. If not, then just continue on with the review and don't worry about it.) He's going through this big schpeal about his research and about how the human body has sixteen glands, but he can add a seventeenth gland. A new gland that he's created artificially that will halt the aging process and allow humanity to conquer death. He goes off on this big speech about how great it would be and about how he wants Mark to be his first real test of the final product. Mark don't want no part of it, but the doctor just goes on and on until Mark finally decides he wants out of there. Banana head threatens to call the police to have him picked up, but Mark threatens to expose his work. Banana head just says that no one would believe him and blah blah blah. Finally Mark agrees to stay and help because he doesn't really have any other choice. Banana head grabs him by the arms and gets all happy at that point, and actually looks like he's gonna kiss the guy. The scene fades out before we get to see if he does or not. Oh I wanted to mention that there was a part in this scene where he tells Mark that Lobo was one of his test subjects, but that his brain was damaged during the process. Apparently he can create giants or dwarves at will just by stimulating certain glands with certain vitamins. Man, there's sure a lot of long winded scenes in this movie. I mean it tells the story and keeps you abreast of what's going on, but still... Ok enough of the boring story stuff. Let's get back to the fun!

13. Grace and Natalie are sitting outside getting some sun in their bathing suits. Natalie gives Grace her book to read and tells her that it's wild. It's not as wild as some of the stuff that's gonna happen to her later, but at least it'll help kill the time until then. Anyway, Natalie gets up and walks towards the house, stopping to talk to Mark who was just on his way out. Have I mentioned how hot Natalie is? Well she is. Anyway, she's telling Mark that she'd like them to get a little better acquainted with him. He says he'd like that and then she heads off into the house. So now he walks on over to grace and starts makin' small talk with her. He asks her how she happened to end up there and she tells him about her nervous breakdown, and then after some further discussion, he gets her to go for a walk with him. Now here's a guy who just yesterday was on the run from the police, and now today he's scoring with two chicks. I swear, some people can stick their hand up a cow's butt and pull out a pearl necklace. Don't ask me what that means. It's almost 4am and it's the best I could come up with. You know, some scenes, like this one, don't really have anything to goof on. It kinda sucks, but hey, what can you do?

14. Sharon is downstairs in that little room with Jedrow. I can't see what she's doing yet because her hands are out of the frame. Oh she just raised his hand up. It's still all in a claw shape and stuff, and he's trembling like his muscles are totally stiff. She takes his pulse and then goes up to the lab to give banana head the results. Apparently there's been no change. Dr. Banana-rama-ding-dong can't figure out why there's still been no change after all this time and he tells Sharon that they can't check his reactions until he comes out of his cataleptic state. Dr. Wright calls them at this point and tells them that Jedrow's sister is waiting outside his office. Banana head tells him to tell her that Jedrow is dead, and then he hangs up on him. Sharon's all, "But he's alive!" and the doctor says, "Not anymore my dear." Yeah I'll go along with that. Even if the poor schmuck does wake up now, he looks like friggin' Frankenstein, so there wouldn't be much point in him going back out into the real world anyway. Kinda reminds me of someone else actually. I won't mention any names, but he thinks he's Peter Pan. 'Nuff said.

15. Sharon walks out into the front office now, and while she's out there, Natalie comes walking in wearing the same sexy dress she had on earlier. I guess the wardrobe budget for this film was pretty low. At least they managed to score a pretty spiffy lookin' butler outfit for Lobo. "Lobo got spiffy duds. Lobo happy. Lobo smash Danny now?" Anyway, she says she's there to see banana head and Sharon tells her to have a seat and she'll go to fetch him. He comes out and starts telling her that she's made tremendous progress and that she can go home soon. She asks him when, and he tells her that there's just one more treatment he has to give her, and then she can go home. He said he'll make the arrangements to do it tonight. Now what irritates me here is that this chick is totally hot. She's way better looking than Grace, so why couldn't they mess Grace up and leave this poor girl alone? It's just sad I tell ya. Really freakin' sad.

16. Ok Danny's at it again now. Down in the dining room, Mark, Grace and Danny are all sitting down at the table to eat. Lobo brings out a plate of food and sets it in front of Danny. Danny starts bitching at Lobo again about how he don't want no dinner. Lobo picks up the fork and shoves it at him and says, "You eat!" Danny, who I should actually be referring to as "the little bitch", still insists that he's not hungry. Mark tells Danny that he's gotta eat because it's good for him. Then he asks Grace if she's hungry and she says that it's the first time she's been hungry in a long time. Stop me if this is all too exciting for you. Jeez, I was havin' so much fun goofin' on this movie and now we seem to be going through this big long boring stretch. Anyway, Mark asks Danny if he's seen Natalie. Seem that none of them have seen her since the morning. Banana head comes down at this point and says that he's in the mood for a little music with dinner, so he sits down at the organ and starts playing Bach's Toccata & Fugue. If you don't know which piece that is, it's the organ music you hear on Halloween usually. I'm sure you've all heard it at one time or another.

17. Upstairs, Lobo is bringing Natalie her dinner. Sharon stops him and dumps a couple of pills into her coffee. Then she covers everything back up and let's Lobo continue on to Natalie's room. He sets the tray down on a table and says to her, "You eat." Man, what a witty conversationalist he is. Downstairs, Mark wants to go up to find Natalie and see if she's all right. Sharon stops him at the bottom of the stairs and tells him that Natalie requested her tray in her room tonight and that it's a privilege that they all have. Marks accepts it and goes back to sit down. Upstairs, Natalie has scarfed down her food apparently since it's only been about 1 minute since Lobo took it in there, and she's all passed out on the bed. Lobo comes in and picks her up and carries her off to the operating room. He sets her down on the table and starts stroking her hair and saying, "Purdy girl. Purdy girl." Lobo's always such a big softy in these movies. Any time there's a pretty girl he always gets all mushy over her. Sharon comes in and pulls him away. She sends him downstairs to send everyone to bed and he finally walks out with this sad look on his face.

18. Lobo goes downstairs and says, "Time for go to bed". Banana head stops playing and makes a comment about how late it is and what not. Funny picture here. No lead up or anything, I'm just gonna throw it in here because I thought it looked pretty funny.

 


"Lobo no find teef! Lobo leave teef in glass next to bed. Now teef gone. Lobo squish teef stealer!"

 

Just thought I'd throw that in there since the material's been kinda dry through this part of the movie. Anyway, Mark walks Grace up to her room. He's about to knock on Natalie's door when the doctor comes up and sends him off to his own room. Mark goes, but now I'm wondering what happened to Danny. He never went upstairs. Maybe Lobo found out that he's the one who stole his teef, so he's givin' Danny a good squishin' before he sends him up to bed. I dunno. Anyway, there's a scene change now.

19. We're in the operating room, and Sharon is all gussied up in her operating gown and mask. She's helping banana head get his mask on now, and he just asked her if she sterilized his #23 scalpel. She says she did, and thank goodness for that too. Wouldn't want our patient to become a zombie and get an infection on top of it now would we? I still can't believe they're going to waste a totally hot chick like this. Banana head is rambling on about how he knows this is the night and that all the research and experiments and failures and everything have all led up to this. Jeez, I wonder if this guy pops a boner every time he thinks about how great he is? What a jerk.
20. Back in Natalie's room, Mark just walked in and found her empty plates sitting there, but no Natalie. He looks in the closet, which is totally the first place I would have looked. Oh, and just in case you were wondering. That was sarcasm. I hope it wasn't too subtle for anyone.

21. Ok, the operation is beginning now. This is totally ridiculous because he's like busting through all the steps of this thing at light speed. Just to show you how stupid this is, I'm going to put the actual movie time of everything he asks Sharon to hand him, in the order he asks for it. Now I know it's just a movie, but they could have at least shot for some minor level of realism here.

[36:05] Scalpel
[36:14] Sponge
[36:20] Sponge
[36:26] Clamp
[36:29] Clamp
[36:33] Clamp
[36:37] Wipe my brow. - Jeez, he's only been operating for 32 seconds and he's already sweating? The funny thing here too is that when he asks her to wipe his brow, he reaches out like he's expecting her to hand him something. Dork.
[36:44] Clamp - Jeez, how many clamps does he need?
[36:48] Sponge
[36:56] #23 Scalpel - Would have been funny if she'd have handed it to him blade first.
[37:07] Brow - Jeez, this guy is a pig. Maybe he should try to find a cure for excessive sweat or something once he gets this whole immortality thing wrapped up.
[37:11] Sponge
[37:18] Now, the gland. At this point Sharon pulls this thing out of a beaker that looks like a big slug or something and sets it in a tray. She hands it to the doctor who then takes it and sticks it in his hand. We get a shot of it, so I'll share it with you.

 


That doctor, what a guy. Always happy to lend a helping gland.

 

[37:53] Suture

And then the scene changes back out to Mark while he's stitching her up. Now this had to be the fastest operation in the history of man kind. From the time he asked for the scalpel until the time he asked for the suture to sew her back up, only one minute and forty-eight seconds had passed. I wonder if it ever occurred to this dingbat that maybe all of his operations are failures because all he does is open these people up, throw a turd slug lookin' gland into 'em, and then sew them back up. Where the hell did this guy go to medical school anyway?

22. Mark is knocking on Grace's door now. She wakes up and opens the door for him. He tells her he wants to get her away from the house and that she's in danger. He tells her that Natalie is missing and that banana head is a madman and that he's afraid he's done something to Natalie. Grace doesn't believe him. If Mark had any brains, he'd have saved Natalie and let them have Grace instead. Now we cut back to the operating room real quick. Banana head is taking off his gear and telling Sharon that in eight hours they'll know if it worked. Now we cut back to Graces bedroom now where I just happened to pause on a frame that looks pretty funny.

 


"Aw come on baby. Give daddy a little kiss."

 

Not that that picture has anything to do with anything. I just though it was funny. Mark is telling her about the doctor's plans for them and what he's trying to do. She won't believe any of it and tells Mark to get out of her room. Like I said before, he should have saved the smart one. She was better looking anyway.

23. Back in the operating room, they're getting ready to shoot Natalie up with some radiation. Banana head is calling out all these numbers and percentages to Sharon and she's twiddling all the knobs to make it happen. So they get the radiation levels all set and banana head's all, "Red Alert!" They both pull down their spiffy lookin' radiation goggles and then banana head does this really dramatic countdown from ten to one. Sharon hits the juice and instead of radiation coming out of the radiation thingy, there's this big bolt of electricity running between two electrodes, one at each end of the table. And man it's makin' a whole lotta noise. It just woke up Mark and Grace and Danny. They all looked pretty freaked out too. In fact, I think Danny might need some new sheets now. Maybe they can even find him some Scooby Doo pajamas to wear or something. Anyway, electrocution is over now, and the scene changes yet again. Funny how that keeps happening in these movies huh?

24. I guess it's been eight hours now, because Sharon and banana head are walking downstairs to where they keep the freaks. Yep, banana head just said it's been eight hours on the dot. They walk in and he's lookin' hard at Natalie. Both of them are. Looks like she's dead. Well when you only spend a minute forty-eight seconds on a sensitive operation and then electrocute the patient after, what the hell else did you expect to happen? Oh man! She's not dead! Here's how she ended up.

 


"Excuse me doctor, but would you happen to have any Oil of Olay?"

 

Man he messed her up real good. He's all shocked because he says he took every precaution. Man, she would so seriously be better off dead. She's laying in bed there moaning, oh but now it looks like she's passed out again. Sharon gives him some words of encouragement before they leave the room. Man, that really sucks.

25. It's later now and Mark and Grace just came in from a walk in the garden. Mark heads up to his room and banana head takes Grace into the parlor to talk to her. He congratulates her on the fine progress she's made, and then asks her what young people talk about when they walk in the garden because he's too old to remember. Naturally with Grace being the complete and total idiot that she is, she tells him that they were talking about a lot of things, but Natalie mostly. He asks her what about and she tells him that Mark is worried about her. Banana head tells her that Natalie has made a complete recovery and that he's released her. He says he drove her to the train station himself early this morning and that she asked him to make her good bye's for her. Then he starts telling her that he wants her to limit her contact with Mark because he's a very dangerous man because he's suffering from advanced persecution complex. She says she will and banana head tells her that she must disregard anything that Mark might tell her. What a creep.
26. Upstairs in banana head's office, Sharon is trying to light a cigarette. The lighter won't work, so banana head lights it for her. She's all upset and tweaky, and after one puff she puts out the cigarette. She tells him to leave Grace alone. He says that she sounds jealous and she says that she is and that she loves him and she's not going to have anything come between them. He says that two people striving for such a great scientific achievement should not be quarreling. Sharon wants to make Grace their next subject, but banana head refuses because the time isn't right yet. Then he tells her not to worry, and that when the time does come, he won't hesitate at all. So I guess that would probably make Danny the next on the list of expendable characters in this movie. Whatcha think?
27. It's night time now by the looks of it. Mark just came downstairs and he's creepin' around. Oh man, he's going downstairs where the freaks are. Jeez, you'd think that ol' banana head would have kept that area locked up tight. For a smart guy, he sure is dumb. Mark just walked into Jedrow's room where he's still sitting like a zombie. Mark turns on the light over Jedrow's head and he just twitches his face a little and that's about it. He leaves and goes up to Grace's room and tells her that he has proof that he's been telling her the truth and that after she sees it she'll have to believe him. She don't want no part of it but she goes along anyway. Unfortunately for them, they're not the only ones creepin' around. Lobo was creepin' around down there too. Seems that before Mark and Grace could get down there, Lobo took Jedrow out of his room. No matter though. They go walkin' around some more down there and find Natalie. Needless to say Grace believes him now. So they leave Natalie's room and head back upstairs to Grace's room.

28. Once they get back to her room, Grace falls down on her bed and starts crying. Mark says he's going to go and try to find a way to get her out of that house. He tells her to lock the door behind him when he leaves. I can't help but sit here thinking how stupid that is. I mean first of all, it's the doctor's damn house. I'm sure he's got keys to all the doors. Secondly, even if he didn't have a key, one quick head butt from Lobo would shatter the thing into splinters anyway, so what's the point in locking it? Downstairs, Mark sees Lobo packing a coffin out of the house on his back. Have a look.

 


"Lobo no get paid enough for this crap. Lobo need remember to ask for raise."

 

So where's Lobo packing this coffin off to? Well let's find out. Oh he's got it out in the woods now and he's burying it. I don't think Jedrow will mind too awful much considering the state he's in. Danny just came out of the house and this great big German Shepherd started barking at him. Lobo goes off to investigate and while he's gone, Mark goes and busts open the coffin with the shovel. Jedrow sits up in the coffin and starts lookin' around like he's finally coming back to his senses. At this point, Mark hears Lobo coming back, since Danny ran back up to his room like a little bitch before Lobo even got there. He pushes Jedrow back down into the coffin and closes the lid. Lobo comes back and starts dumpin' dirt on it again.

29. Back in the house, Danny's in his room laying on his bed and there's a knock at the door. It's Mark. He comes in and starts explaining what's going on and what happened to Natalie. Danny believes him, and so they set up a plan. At 2am Danny is to come downstairs to meet up with Mark and Grace. Once the plan is set, Danny goes to bed and pretends to be asleep, and Mark does the same. Banana head comes out of his office and looks through the peep holes on both of their doors and sees them in bed. Then he goes over to Grace's room and peeps in her peep hole. She's in bed too. Now he's walking downstairs. He hears the main doors creaking and he's getting all paranoid. There's someone creepin' around down there. He's pretty freaked out at this point and heads on back up to his office.

30. So he's sitting at his desk now and a hand comes into the shot and grabs him by the shoulder. It's Sharon. He jerks his head up and asks her if she was just downstairs. She says she wasn't and that she's been in her room. She starts telling him how he should get some sleep and how he needs his rest and he snaps back at her that he won't be mothered. He says he doesn't need anything that he does not wish to need and then he sends her away.

31. Downstairs, Mark and Grace meet up with Danny. Mark tells them to take the main road back to town as fast as they can and to stay in the shadows the whole way. Unfortunately, just at that point the lights come on and banana head and Sharon and Lobo all come in and capture them. Mark had retrieved his gun from the woods, but banana head took it from him now. Sharon and Lobo both have guns as well. I don't know how much I'd trust Lobo with a gun though. Anyway, banana head is talking smack to them now, and then he sends Sharon and Lobo to take Danny and Mark downstairs while he takes Grace upstairs with him. Downstairs, Sharon and Lobo put the two men in one of the cells and she leaves Lobo there with a gun to guard them. Mark has Danny look through a peep hole into the next room. It's the room Natalie is in. So Danny tells Mark to play along. He turns to Lobo and says, "Hey Curly, see miss sleeping beauty in there?" Hahahahahaha!!!!! I love it! Curly! Hey Lobo, wanna go squish the guy who stole your teef? And Lobo would all be like, "Soitenly!" Oh if only he'd do the Curly shuffle, that would make this whole thing all worth while. Anyway, Danny's telling Lobo this fairy tale. Once he has Lobo all entranced in his story, he throws his coat over Lobo's head and they overpower him. Unfortunately Danny gets shot in the process, but he's ok enough to carry on. He tells Mark to go on and that he'll catch up.
32. Mark takes the gun and goes up to banana head's office. He confronts ol' banana britches and banana head manages to press a button to alert Sharon that he's in trouble. Sharon's in the other room prepping Grace for surgery. So a little banter and what not back and forth between Mark and the bananameister, and then suddenly it comes out that Mark is actually a policeman. Banana head hits a switch with his foot and suddenly the lights go out. Mark throws off a few shots, but banana head manages to slip out through a secret door. Mark turns the lights back on again and then calls the sheriff. He identifies himself as Lt. Houston and tells them to get out there immediately. Meanwhile, banana head makes his way out of the house and heads for his car. Uh oh, it's locked. So since the car is locked, he does the next best thing and goes back into the house. The cops just showed up now too. A whole bunch of them. Downstairs, Lobo is trying to break out of the cell. Back upstairs, Banana head just grabbed his keys from the fireplace mantle, when suddenly he sees a shadow on the fireplace. He turns around and I'm sure some urine was spilled, because he saw something that really scared him to death. Can you guess who it is? Yep, you guess it. It's Jedrow! Banana head starts screaming about how he's dead and he had him buried, but Jedrow just keeps coming at him with a knife in his hand. He stabs ol' banana head with the knife and he falls down dead. Lobo comes in at that point and knocks out Jedrow. Then he starts crying over the body of the doctor. Mark and Captain Reagan come in at this point and Captain Reagan's all, "Well, looks like someone saved the state a lot of money." Hahahahahah! That's my kinda cop. Mark tells him that the guy on the floor is a fellow named Jedrow and that banana head tried to bury him alive. The cops come in with Sharon now and Mark asks her where Grace is. She tells him that Grace is up in the lab, so Mark runs up there to get her. Now at this point, one of the cops comes in and tells Captain Reagan that they found something in the basement. He asks the officer what it is and the guy says that he should come down and look for himself because he'd never believe it.

33. Upstairs, Mark gets Grace out of the lab, while the other two cops go down stairs to have a look in the cells. They find Danny on the floor. He didn't make it, which is fine with me because he was a little bitch anyway. So the officer takes Captain Reagan to one of the doors. The captain opens it to find a whole cell full of freaks all grunting and screaming and what not. The officer asks the captain what they're going to do with them. The captain says that it's a good thing they have institutions to take care of these people for the rest of their lives. Then he says, "Good lord, what if they do live forever?" Man, that really makes you think don't it? Here's some shots of the freaks for you.


Bachelor #1 is a physics major at UCLA. His hobbies include studying molecular physics, surfing, and collecting fleas.


Bachelor #2 is studying to be a lawyer. To make ends meet while he's in law school, he's also working as an exotic dancer.


Bachelor #3's dream is to become the hairdresser to the stars. In his spare time he works as a stunt double for Ronald McDonald.


And this is Kevin. He's the little guy who's always standing next to the mad scientist guy in South Park. Sadly, he doesn't have any hobbies.

34. Mark is helping Grace down the stairs now. He introduces her to Captain Reagan who's now back up on the ground floor again. The captain says that he's sure glad to see her, because they've been dragging the bay lookin' for her for two days. Mark tells the captain to pick up Dr. Loren Wright, so the captain goes off with his little officer buddy in search of the other bad guy. After that, we have the obligatory romantic kiss between Mark and Grace, and then the movie's over.



Best Quote

Dr. Conway: "You see last night's paper carried your story on the front page. Leather jacket...about six feet tall."
Mark: "All right so I wear a leather jacket and I'm not a midget. So what?"

- Banana head accusing Mark of being this criminal the police were looking for named Frank Scott. - (Reviewer's Note: Hey! That was a pretty nice come back there mister sassy pants.)




Video Clip
When prompted, enter bmovie for the username and central for the password.

The Unearthly
Captain Reagan and an unnamed officer check out the freakshow down in the basement.



The Conclusion
Well here's another review that's taken me several solid days of work to complete. In this case though, it was a pleasure. I don't generally read other people's reviews of movies before I review them, but in this case I did. It's funny, but a lot of people just seem to not care for this movie all that much, and I must admit that I really am baffled as to why. This was a really great movie and I had a whole lot of fun reviewing it. I really don't have anything bad to say about this film except maybe that the operation scene was pretty unrealistic. The thing is though, even that part of it was fun because I had a good time goofing on it.

The script in this film was solid, as were the characters. Everyone in this movie did an excellent job in making their parts believable...with one small exception. Grace, who was played by Allison Hayes, was supposed to be depressed and also have suffered a nervous breakdown, however, she didn't act like she had suffered from either of those things. The only thing she seemed to suffer from was a distinct lack of personality.  John Carradine, even though I said he annoyed me, actually did an excellent job in portraying the part of a scientist who was so focused on his goal that he didn't care who he hurt or who's lives he destroyed along the way.  Mark, who was played by Myron Healey, was wonderful as the cool cop who played his undercover role perfectly. Then there's Tor Johnson. Tor has Played Lobo in several films, and although the look of the character changes, the character itself is usually played pretty much the same, and it wasn't really a stretch for him to play his signature type of character once again in this film. The one thing I did notice about Lobo in this film though is that he talked more than he did in the other films. It's funny listening to him talk to, because it's pretty much like what I put in the captions up above.

This film is billed as being "Guaranteed to Frighten!", but it really isn't scary at all on any level. The best word to describe this film is "fun". This is the kind of a film that you watch with your friends while you're eating pizza at about ten or eleven o'clock at night. It's a solid film, and it's the kind of a movie that can be enjoyed by just about anyone, no matter what your taste in movies is. I really loved this film and I had a great time watching it and writing this review.

So, because I had such an awesome time with this film, I'm very happy to give it my highest rating of...

B-Movie Central's Rating: 5 Bees!

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Movies I've watched since my last review...

Hiruko The Goblin (10/10) - This is a Japanese movie, in Japanese with English Subtitles. It's about this Demon named Hiruko the Goblin who lives in the realm of demons trapped in the caverns beneath a school. When a teacher discovers the secret to entering the caves, he quickly wishes he hadn't because he unleashes the demon upon the world. This movie has the coolest lookin' monsters I've ever seen in a movie and it has some genuine laughs and some genuine scares. I highly recommend this movie. It's not available on Movies Unlimited or Amazon at the moment, but you can usually find it for sale on E-Bay.
Tetsuo The Iron Man (1/10) - This film is about a guy who runs over another guy with is car. The guy that got run over was known as the metal fetishist. The guy who runs him over starts growing metal out of all parts of his body. It's really stupid and really hard to follow with only a few interesting visuals, a paper thin plot, and almost no dialogue. If you really must have this movie, you can get it from marketplace sellers on Amazon, or you can usually find it on E-Bay.

The X Men (7.5/10) - After seeing The X-Men 2, I wanted to go back and watch the first one again. I found that there were things in each film that I liked more than in the other. They're both worth seeing.

Tremors (10/10) - Tremors is legendary. If you haven't seen it, then you've probably been hiding in a hole somewhere. It's one of my favorites. If you don't know what it's about, it's about giant worm creatures that live under the ground and move through it like we move through the air. Very cool movie and a whole lot of fun.
The Hot Chick (10/10) - I love Rob Schneider movies, and this one was no exception. He did a phenomenal job in this film and the whole thing was great fun. It's about a scummy guy who, through a magic set of earrings, trades bodies with the most popular girl at the local high school. Anna Faris is just yummy in this movie.
They Call Me Bruce (3/10) - This is a very dated comedy from 1982 that's low on action and low on laughs, but for some reason I had to have it in my collection for nostalgic reasons. It's not horrible, but it wouldn't be my first choice. It's about a Korean guy who comes to America and ends up working for the mob. He ends up being unwittingly used to transport cocaine across the country.
Baseketball (10/10) - See it, live it, love it. This is one of my most favorite movies ever. If you haven't seen it, then go get it right now and add it to your collection. This movie is funny from start to finish and the combination of Trey Parker, Matt Stone, and Dian Bachar make for a comedy gem that can't be missed. The movie is about two slackers who invent a new sport called, oddly enough, Baseketball.

Unseen Things: Origins



My series of contemporary fantasy / sci-fi novels, Unseen Things is now available through the official website, Amazon, Smashwords and other online retail sites.

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