Hercules in New York

Year Of Production: 1970
Running Time: 92 Minutes
DVD Released By: Trimark Home Video
Directed By: Arthur Allan Seidelman
Writing Credits: Aubrey Wisberg
Filming Location: New York City, New York

Starring: Arnold Schwartzenegger, Arnold Stang, Deborah Loomis, James Karen, Ernest Graves, Tanny McDonald, Harold Burstein, Merwin Goldsmith

Tagline: I was unable to locate any taglines for this film.

Alternate Titles:
Hercules - The Movie (1970)
Hercules Goes Bananas (1970)

Interesting Bits of Trivia:
Sounds of New York City traffic can be heard in the background during the "Mount Olympus" scenes. Arnold Schwartzenegger's voice was dubbed over by a voice actor because it was felt that his accent was too thick for his dialogue to be understood clearly. Both the original and dubbed voice tracks can be selected on this DVD release.




Cast Of Characters
Hercules: Well now this fellow looks a little familiar doesn't he? It's Arnold Schwartzenegger in his first movie role playing none other than the mighty Hercules. Hercules in this movie acts more like a spoiled child who's totally full of himself than a Greek demigod. He gives his father fits, he gives the bad guys fits, he gives his girlfriend fits, and he even gives his sidekick fits. Fortunately, he has lots of big rippling muscles to flex, and that makes it all ok. One goofy thing about his appearance in this movie too is that he's credited as "Arnold Strong" instead of Arnold Schwartzenegger. I guess they figured they couldn't fit "Arnold Schwartzenegger" on the screen in big enough letters that anyone would notice it. God, it's even hard to type that name.

Pretzie: He's Herc's wimpy little milquetoast sidekick who finally, for the first time in his life, gets to feel like somebody important because of his association with Hercules. You may not recognize the face even though he's been in tons of other movies, but I guarantee you that if you ever watched cartoons, you heard his voice at some point or another.

Helen Camden: Helen is the professor's daughter and a real swell gal. She's intelligent, charismatic, and an all around good kid. And the best part about her is that she loves it when she sees a real he-man. This girl's got it all folks. Well, everything that is except a real pivotal role in this movie. I mean, she is one of the main characters, but unfortunately, there aren't many pivotal roles in this film, if any at all.

Professor Camden: This his Helen's daddy. Don't he look smart? He doesn't really have that big of a role in this film, but he does know a finely tuned athletic machine when he sees one. He hooks up with Pretzie and Herc after he and his daughter Helen watch Hercules thoroughly embarrass the college track and field team. Unfortunately, his little part in the character section of my review is probably more important than his role was in this movie.

Zeus: Some people have parents that care about them. Some people don't. To Hercules' dismay, his father actually loves him very much but knows what a troublemaker he can be and wants to keep him from causing even more trouble. I'm surprised he didn't just put arnold over his knee and spank him. I mean, after all, he's not just Herc's father. He's the king of the gods baby! (Best Austin Powers voice I can muster at 4:35am)

 

 

Juno: I guess every story like this needs an evil female in it. At least, all the one's I've seen so far have. Juno is Zeus's wife but not Hercules' mother. Herc's mother was actually a mortal woman that Zeus had a fling with. Naturally Juno hates Hercules for constantly reminding her of her husband's infidelity, so she goes out of her way to make his life miserable. Believe me, after about ten minutes of watching her talk smack about Hercules, you'll wonder why Zeus even stays married to her. What you won't wonder is why Zeus is off having affairs with mortal women.

Mercury: Mercury is Hercules' half-brother. He's a really nice guy and he's always trying to take care of Hercules and intervenes when their father wants to send Nemesis after him. He's also a pretty snazzy dresser. Unfortunately, Hercules is too stubborn to listen to him and pretty much blows him off even after he finds out that it's his last chance to go back before Zeus sends Nemesis after him. What's a big brother to do?

Nemesis: She's Zeus' enforcer. Basically, when Zeus get's ticked at someone, she's the one that goes and punishes them for him and carries out his will. Now she's not as attractive as the other goddesses in Olympus, and she's also older. You'd think that with a name like Nemesis, they'd have picked someone for the role that was either insanely beautiful and seriously evil, or made it more like someone in a dark robe that you never get to see their face. I mean, they could have done something cool with it, but Nemesis is just another goddess that does the bidding of Zeus which makes her not nearly as interesting and cool as she could have been.




The Plot
Hercules (Arnold Schwartzenegger), bored with his life in Olympus, wants to go down to Earth to have a little fun. His father Zeus is completely against the idea, but Hercules, being the willful individual that he is, goes anyway, and finds himself in modern day (1970) New York. After meeting up with a pretzel vendor named Pretzie who becomes his sidekick, Hercules finds himself on a roller coaster ride of adventure in the the big city. Will Hercules be able to cope with this strange new environment? Will his father ever forgive him for leaving? Will he ever miss an opportunity to rip off his shirt and flex his muscles? Let's watch and see...



What The Hell???
1. Our movie starts out with a short, serious sounding narration, and then we find ourselves in Olympus, where Hercules is antagonizing his father Zeus because he's bored and wants to go down to visit the Earth. Oh man, this is seriously funny in the original voice track. Hercules is going on and on like a spoiled little kid, following his father around and nagging him incessantly about how he want's to go to Earth. The other gods and goddesses all like Hercules, except for Juno, and they try to convince Zeus to let him go, but Zeus won't have any of it. Finally Zeus get's fed up with him and hurls one of his mighty thunderbolts. Now when I say thunderbolts, what I really mean is a piece of polished up rebar bent into a zig zag shape and possibly given a light coat of paint. Anyway, the thunderbolt hits Hercules and he disappears in a fiery explosion. The goddesses that were standing around him beg Zeus to save him saying that he's only a spoiled child and that he'll die unless Zeus helps him. See, when Hercules disappeared, he didn't go directly to New York. He went...well...I'll save that for the next section.

2. In the next scene we see a Pan Am jet flying through the air. After panning past a few passengers, we come to two old ladies in really ugly hats. As we watch, Hercules' face appears in the window. He smiles at the old lady in the window seat and wiggles his fingers at her in a really goofy lookin' wave, and then he disappears as he continues in his descent to Earth. Naturally the old lady freaks out and starts yelling and shouting, then when her friend asks her what's wrong, she's all, "I just saw a maaaaaaan." Then after ranting a little more she's all like, "Oh he was very handsome. And he had big muscles, and he was practically naked," at which point her friend stuffs an oxygen mask over her face and starts babbling about how she shouldn't have taken Agatha to see all those Greek statues because she's so impressionable. If I didn't already know what video clip I was going to be using for this review, I'd probably have this one on my list of possible candidates. It's quite funny.

3. Back on Mt. Olympus, three of the goddesses are begging Zeus to show mercy to Hercules when Juno comes walking up and starts throwing attitude around. Juno wants to let Hercules suffer because of his obsitnence, but Venus tells her that she's just hated Hercules ever since the day of his birth because...and then Zeus stops her and she starts begging him to show mercy again. He says, "Let us see what he is doing now," and then claps his hands. Zeus' little manservant, Aeros, uncovers a big crystal ball in front of him and they all look into it together. The goddesses start whining about how he's in the sea and about how he'll drown unless Zeus saves him. Zeus finally relents and does so. Now, a couple of these goddesses are pretty hot. If I were Zeus, I think I'd be wanting a little something in return for helping out here.

4. What was the help that Zeus sent to Hercules you may ask? Well, I'm glad you asked that question, because that shows that you're an attentive and inquisitive reader. The help that Zeus sent to Hercules came in the form of a cargo ship. I'd like to mention here that there's an insane amount of Italian sounding mandolin music in this movie. I mention that because that the music we get here in the scene transition. We also had it during the opening credits and in a few other spots. Basically they use it throughout the movie and it get's really kind of irritating in a cheesy way after a while. Anyway, this cargo ship hauls Hercules aboard and the captain of that ship is now interrogating Hercules, wanting to know what he was doing out there in the water. Hercules, who's now topless and wearing just a towel and drying himself off, tells the captain that he was swimming. Well, ask a stupid question huh? The captain wants to know why he was swimming one hundred miles from the nearest land, and Hercules says that he fell and that there was an explosion. The captain wants to know what the name of his ship was and he's like, "Ship? Olympus." God Arnold's great isn't he? Anyway, one of the captain's crew pipes in and says that there's a Greek freighter by that name. The captain then asks Hercules what his name is and he says, "Hercules," and the captain's like, "Greek huh?" and Hercules answers back, "A very old family." Now here's where it get's good. After Hercules says that, the captain's all "Siiiir?" like he wants Hercules to call him sir, but all Hercules says is, "It's all right, I'm democratic." Man that irritated the captain. Oh man what a goof. The dialogue in this movie is just so stupid it rules!!! Anyway, the captain tells him that he's addressing a superior and Hercules says that he is Hercules and that no man is superior to Hercules. The crewman that piped up before jumps in and says that it was probably the immersion in the water that put him off his head. The captain asks him what his birth is and he says that he's the son of Zeus. Finally the captain just gives up and tells them to sign him on as Hercules Zeus and then find him some clothes that fit. I can't even tell you how goofball the dialogue is in this movie folks. You just gotta see it with the real dialogue track. It's 100% pure cheesy goodness.

5. So the crew takes him off to get some clothes. That's cool huh? Everything should be all right now huh? But wait! This is Hercules we're talking about here. In the next scene we have the captain watching the now "dressed as a topless longshoreman" Hercules beating the crap out of some of his crew through the porthole in his cabin. Well, Hercules doesn't really beat people in this movie too much. He just throws them around a lot until they pass out. Turns out that Hercules refused to work, and when they tried to persuade him, that's when the fight broke out. The captain's assistant came out and talked to the guy in charge on the deck. He said that Hercules is a foreigner and that maybe he didn't understand when he was asked to work. Hercules is all, "I understood him. He is most disagreeable, and he has irritated me." You tell 'em Herc!!! The next time I beat the snot out of someone, I'm totally gonna use that line.

6. More mandolin music now as we transition to New York harbor. Hercules is getting off the ship now, and he's actually got a shirt on for the first time in the movie. The thing barely fits him though since he's all muscle bound and bulgy. He's got the sweater hanging over his shoulders and the knit cap too which was all the rage in longshoreman fashion in 1970. Anyway, as he's exiting the ship, the guy who started the fight with him over not working tries to stop him since the captain didn't give him permission to leave the ship. He tells the guy that Hercules needs no permission and then tosses him aside like a rag doll. He walks down the gangplank with a big goofy smile on his face, and then the guy he tossed aside comes down and yells to like four guys around a fire barrel and anyone else within hearing distance, "Hey you guys. Twenty bucks to the guy that flattens him." Now I'm sorry, I know twenty bucks was worth a lot more in 1970, but it would take a HELL of a lot more than twenty bucks to get me to go after someone the size of Arnold Schwartzenegger when he was in his prime. Now for some odd reason, the guys around the fire barrel jumped on that offer like a bum on a bologna sandwich and went after Hercules. What a bunch of idiots. Anyway, as about six guys go after Hercules, he gets a big smile on his face and picks up this great big wooden plank which he proceeds to use to knock two of the guys off the edge of the pier. Two other guys break a bench across his chest and he generally knocks them around too. Basically, he cleans their clocks while Pretzie is standing by and watching all this with a shocked look on his face. He runs up and tells Hercules to run away with him because they're gonna kill him. Hercules, who was obviously in no trouble, follows him anyway just for fun.

7. As Herc and Pretzie are running down the pier, they have a forklift cross their path. Hercules grabs the back support of the forklift and stops it in it's tracks. The guy driving it romps on the gas, but the wheels just spin as he's yelling at Hercules to let go. Hercules says, "A fine chariot, but where are the horses?" Finally he lets go and runs off after Pretzie. They call him Pretzie by the way because he's a pretzel vendor. Anyway, they run over to this cab and hop in together. The cab driver turns around and says, "Where to?" Now I swear this cab driver in this shot looks just like Paulie from the Rocky movies. Anyway, Pretzie tells him to take them uptown and to step on it. There's a very long and goofball conversation in the cab on the way uptown that's too long to get into here, but trust me, you'll love it. Finally, Pretzie asks Hercules if he's hungry and gives him some of his pretzels. Herc takes a bite and with a smile says, "Food of the gods." Pretzie says that's where he got them was from the "Food From The Gods" bakery. I really hope you're understanding how goofy the dialogue is in this movie. And let me assure you, it's like that from start to finish. Anyway, the cab driver turns around and in the most goofball way possible says, "So where ya wanna go?" They're driving through Central Park so Pretzie tells him that's good enough. The cab drivers says, "That'll be two bucks." Pretzie tells him to pay the man but Hercules doesn't even know what he's talking about. Finally he get's the general idea and says that he doesn't have any money. Unfortunately, Pretzie doesn't have any either. In fact, Hercules is somewhat offended that the guy wants to be paid for driving him around in the chariot. Finally, the cab driver gets out of the cab and he starts getting threatening. Hercules wants to know if it isn't enough that he drove Hercules in his chariot. He's been immortalized. The cabbie looks at Pretzie and Pretzie says, "Yeah like he says, you been immoralized." The cabbie finally decides to throw a punch at Hercules, which was stupid considering what he looks like. Hercules tosses him like a rag doll and then proceeds to roll his cab over on it's side. Now cabbie dude, was that really worth the two bucks? You shoulda' just ate the fare and went on your way. Idiot.

8. Herc and Pretzie make their way down to an athletic field, where they watch the local university students practicing track and field. This is where we meet Helen and the professor as well since they're in the stands watching. Hercules wants to know who the men are. Pretzie tells him that they're athletes training. College guys. He sees Hercules givin' them the hairy eyeball and finally he asks him, "Whatta ya mean? You think you could do better?" To which Hercules replies, "Pffffft," and Pretzie is like, "Whatta ya mean pffffft??? These guys are champions. Nobody can beat them!" Hercules just laughs and heads on over. I love the goofy smiles he gets on his face during this movie, like he finds this stuff so amusing. I got news for him. I find it amusing too. Pretzie stops him on his way over and says, "Where ya goin?" Hercules says, that he's going over there, to show them how to throw the discus. God I love this movie. Pretzie tells him he can't go buttin' in but Hercules just blows him off because he is Hercules and he can do it better. I'm wondering at this point if Hercules has pictures and statues of himself all over his bedroom, because he sure seems to think a lot of himself.

9. So Hercules walks over and picks up a discus. The coach tells him to put it down and that he has no business there. Hercules tells him that those men don't throw it far enough. The coach says, "You don't say," and Hercules says, "I do say." Then he really irritates the coach. The coach says, "These boys are record holders," and Hercules says, "Then they should be better." Finally after a little more witty banter, the coach allows Hercules to show them what he can do. Naturally Hercules throws it completely across the park. The coach then asks him what else he can do. He has one of his boys, Tom, throw the javelin. He makes a great throw and Hercules says, "A very good throw for he who is earthbound." So now it's Hercules' turn. Naturally, he has to take off his shirt for this one. Now here's the great part. After he takes off his shirt, he stretches a bit and makes his boobies bounce up and down. Oh man that's funny. So he picks up the javelin and throws it way father than the other guy. Pretzie is standing off to the side and he's talkin' to these guys standing there watching and saying, "That's my buddy. He's a Greek fella. He just came over. From Greece!" Then he bets the guys fifty bucks that he can beat the coach's guy in the long jump. Naturally he does, and lands on the other side of the sand pit. The professor and Helen are standing there watching and he gives Pretzie his card and invites them over for tea. Yet another goofy conversation ensues and finally he accepts. I can't even say it enough times. You gotta watch this movie and watch it with the original dialogue track to truly appreciate how awesome it is.
10. So Herc and Pretzie show up at the professor's house around four o'clock, and the housekeeper lets them in and they wander into the living room where Pretzie finds an antler sitting on the mantle of the fireplace. He picks it up and starts picking his fingernails with it, and then reaches around and uses it as a back scratcher. Then when he's done messin' around with that, he grabs a book off the mantle and starts lookin' at it. Now here's a coincidence for you. Not only is it a book about the Greek gods, but it just so happens that when he flips it open, he opens it right to the story of Hercules. Go figure. Now there's a statue of the god Pan on the coffee table. Hercules looks at it and says that he must tell Pan about it. This is about the time that Helen walks in. Now as soon as she does, what does Pretzie do with the book? Does he put it back on the mantle? No! He shoves it in his pocket! Jeez, remind me never to invite this guy over to my house. Anyway, Helen tells them how happy she is that they could come and Hercules kisses her hand. Pretzie tells him to cut that out, but Hercules just ignores him and proceeds to tell her that she looks like a goddess. Now her line delivery in this part is bad, but it's not really bad because of her. It's just bad because it sounds like it was written dialogue rather than just casual conversation, and she says things the way that someone would write them rather than the way a normal person would say them in a conversation. Basically, he's showering her with flattery, but then the doorbell rings and she gets up to go answer it. Pretzie tells him to cut it out. They just got there and already he's on the make. Hercules doesn't understand what's wrong with what he said. Now comes the good part...
11. The guy that came to the door was Helen's "friend" Rod Nelson from the college track and field team. Hercules shakes his hand and asks Helen if he is her lover. The guy get's all pissed off and Helen is all shocked. Hercules says, "A beautiful woman who has a handsome man for a friend...they must be lovers. It's disappointing and unnatural if they are not." Finally the guy's all, "All right, you asked for it." He punches Hercules in the stomach, which was about the equivalent of punching a brick wall. Hercules didn't even move, he just smiled at the guy. So the guy punches him again...same result. Hercules says, and this is beautiful the way he says it by the way, "You have strucked Hercules." Oh my god, I just about died when he said that. Man that was funny. Hercules picks up the guy and squeezes him like an accordion. Helen freaks out and starts squeaking at him to put Rod down. He just keeps squeezin' the guy. Finally the housekeeper comes in and says, "Tea is served." That was the end of the scene. This whole segment was just awesome. You'd have to see it to really get how goofy and absolutely hilarious it really is.
12. We cut back to Olympus now where we find Zeus watching all this through his crystal ball saying that it doesn't surprise him a bit and wondering whatever is he going to do with the young fool. Well, like I said before, a good spanking never killed anyone. Jeez, be a man Zeus and lay the smacketh down on that snot-nosed little brat of yours. He should have your hand print on each one of his butt cheeks. That'll learn him. Either that or you should just shove one of those rebar thunderbolts up his butt. Either one would be enough to get someone's attention.
13. It's the next day now and we find ourselves back at the Camden house where the professor and his daughter are having a chat over tea. He says that was quite a scene yesterday and Helen says that Hercules must be crazy. The professor says that he found him refreshing and Helen says that he must be kidding. Rod Nelson had to have a couple of his ribs taped. The professor says, "Nevertheless, he interests me. I'd like to get to know him better. Study him more closely." Then Helen's all, "Well do you know that he had the effrontery to ask me if I would have dinner with him this evening?" The professor says, "And of course you told him..." And she smiles real big and says, "I would." I love a girl who doesn't deny the fact that she likes a primitive, he-man type.
14. It's after dinner now, and Hercules and Helen are riding through the park in a horse drawn carriage. I thought he didn't have any money? How'd he pay for dinner? How's he gonna pay for the carriage ride? Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter. Anyway, they're riding along all happy like, but then we get to see the inside of a cop car where an announcement come's over the radio. Seems that a six-hundred pound grizzly bear has escaped from the zoo and is on the loose. Now we get to see this so called bear. Basically it's a guy in a cheesy lookin' bear suit running along like a gorilla. He doesn't even move like a bear at all and he certainly doesn't look like he weighs six-hundred pounds. Anyway, back to the carriage ride now. The bear pops up out of the woodwork, and unfortunately this scene is very dark and hard to see. Hercules hops off the carriage and starts beatin' on the bear. Helen's all screaming and yelling for Hercules to beat him up which is absolutely hilarious. She faints at this point and Hercules gets the bear down and beats it into submission with his bare hands. The cops show up and they're looking at him like, what the hell? I think I'd be lookin' at him like that too if I was them.

15. Next day now, and Hercules is front page news for beating up that bear. Pretzie is trying to talk Hercules into going into wrestling so they can make some money to pay off all the bills they been running up at the hotel. There's a wrestling promoter in the room with them who looks more like a mobster than anything else. Some people might say they're the same thing I guess. Anyway, he tells them that the wrastlin' game is "lucativ." So Hercules goes into wrestling, and after one night, the real gangsters are already in the room with Pretzie intimidating him into signing over his contract with Hercules to them. He tells them that he doesn't have a contract, and that Hercules is just his friend, but they finally intimidate him into putting his name on the contract to put Hercules under their control. The only word I can think of to describe these three gangsters is "bozos". Basically, that's what they are. A dopey gangster and his two dopier thugs. At least they gave Pretzie a big wad of cash for signing the contract. Naturally Pretzie pours himself a big stiff drink after they leave, but then he notices the book he took from the professor's house. He reads the part about Hercules and we find out that when Hercules was a baby, Juno sent two serpents to kill Hercules in his cradle, but Hercules strangled the two serpents with his bare hands. You know, that kinda reminds me of Bam Bam from The Flintstones. Sounds like something he would do. Anyway, more mandolin music now as the scene transitions back to Mt. Olympus.

16. Oh no, here comes Juno again to start with her bitching. She comes up and whispers something in Zeus' ear and then he calls for Nemesis. He says that Hercules is out in the world bring disrepute to his name and that he has no business there. He instructs Nemesis to go down to New York to bring punishment to Hercules. Mercury steps in at this point on behalf of Hercules and requests that Zeus allow him the chance to go and bring Hercules back before he sends Nemesis after him. He also calls Hercules simple and a bit childish. Boy, ain't that the truth. More hot goddesses step in at this point on Hercules' behalf. Juno steps in here too but then Venus and her get all catty with each other yet again. Venus is a spunky little gal, and quite a looker too. Anyway, Zeus relents, and allows Mercury to go after Hercules, which he does with all speed. After he leaves, Juno tries to convince Zeus to let Hercules just stay down on Earth since he likes it so much. He blows her off saying that Hercules is his son, not hers. Ouch! Man, that was a major non-physical bitch slap to Juno. She didn't like it none too much either.

17. Ok now the good part. I been waiting for this, not only because I'm going to use it as my video clip and I need a screenshot from it, but also because it's one of the funniest parts in the movie. More mandolin music as we come back to find Hercules and Helen are walking down the street. Suddenly they find themselves in front of a theater that's doing a Hercules play or showing a Hercules movie or something like that. They see the poster outside, and she says, "Hey look, you're famous!" He's all like, "That is not Hercules. And what is this monster who looks as if he has come straight from the kingdom of the underworld." She tells him that it's just a movie, a play and not to take it so seriously. Now here we go. This just rocks. Hercules is all, "He doesn't even look like me. Look." He then proceeds to take his shirt off right there on the street and starts flexing his muscles and going through poses and Helen's like, "Oh wow!" and she gets all excited. Oh my god this scene rocks. Once she gets over her hormones, she tries to get him to put his shirt back on. Hercules is all irritated and wants to know the name of that imitator and who gave him permission to pretend to be Hercules. She drags him off and he's still all irritated as he leaves. Watch the clip. I guarantee you'll enjoy it.

18. So they're walking along again and he's got his shirt back on and a camera around his neck. The come upon the statue of Atlas holding up the world and Hercules tells her that it's a poor likeness. She says that he has the oddest sense of humor and half the time she doesn't know whether he's joking or not. Then she asks him if his mom ever dropped him on his head as a baby, to which he replies, "Once I strangled two serpents in my cradle." She laughs at this. I think she's so juiced up on hormones at this point that he could tell her he was the king of the squid and it would turn her on.
19. The next place they find themselves is at the automat. For those of you who don't know or are too young to remember, an automat is a place where there is basically a wall of windows that have food in them. You put in your money, the window opens, and you take out the food. So they get their food, and Hercules is like, "This fine food for only a few coins? The people who own this place must be public benefactors." Man, just wait till he tastes it. He'll know why it only costs a few coins.
20. Now we're at the park, and he's in a different shirt. I wonder what they were doing between the last scene and this one that caused him to have to change his shirt? Dunno what it was, but she seems happy. Anyway, they're walking along, and these two kids come up and touch his arm. He flexes it and makes a big muscle for them and they get all happy and run off. Man that was so goofy, it almost looks like it was just something that happened randomly as they were shooting the scene and they just left it in there. He's all smilin' and stuff like he knows he's a total stud. Truth be told, he was. I mean after all, he was a bodybuilding champion. Oddly enough, he beat out Steve Reeves who he had snuck into theaters as a kid to watch in his roles as Hercules. Funny how things like that work out huh? There's mandolin music through this scene too by the way. I wish someone would break that guy's fingers already.
21. Change of scene now. A helicopter just flew in, and Mercury gets off it. Not sure how he got in there or why he even bothered, but ok. He shows up at Hercules' apartment and tries to convince Hercules to come back to Olympus. He tells him that everyone misses him and that his father really wants him to come home. Pretzie staggers out in a drunken stupor at this point and listens in on the conversation. Mercury tries hard to convince him to come back before Zeus sends Nemesis after him, but Hercules will have no part of it. He says it's the first time in two thousand years that he's enjoying himself, and the old man keeps trying to spoil it for him. Hercules walks off to take a shower, which is really nothing more than an excuse for him to take his shirt off again. Mercury makes one last ditch effort to convince Hercules to come back, but Hercules will have no part of it. Mercury finally gives up, wishes him well, and then jumps out the window with one last warning to beware of Nemesis. Pretzie watches him jump out the window and then passes out on the couch. What good is a drunken sidekick? Come on Pretzie, snap out of it man!
22. The next scene brings is back to the Camden house where the professor, Helen, and Rod Nelson are all talking about Hercules and how much they like him. Now to be perfectly honest, if someone cracked two of my ribs, I probably wouldn't think very highly of them. But that's just me. Just then, Pretzie comes staggering in babbling about how Mercury came to take Hercules home, but Hercules didn't wanna go home, so he throws himself right out of the window. The professor calms him down and asks him if he's had anything to drink. He says, well maybe he has a couple of snorts, and the professor asks him how many is a couple. Pretzie's all like, "A pint. Well, maybe a fifth." Now I personally have a hard time getting one shot down. I can't believe people who can actually drink that much without puking up half their life force. Now that's just plain nasty.
23. Back on Olympus, Zeus is all ticked off and throwing rebar...uh...I mean thunderbolts around. He's supremely ticked that Hercules was so insolent, and even though Mercury assures him that Hercules was not so insolent as he imagines it, Zeus has had enough. He calls for Nemesis much to the delight of Juno who finds the whole thought of it very yummy. Man, I'm glad she's not my step mama.
24. So Nemesis heads off on her mission. That is, until Juno stops her along the path and wants to talk to her. She wants to know what punishment Zeus has decreed for Hercules. Nemesis doesn't want to tell her, but Juno makes her. Seems that Zeus wants her to send Hercules to the underworld of Pluto for a hundred years. Juno says that he'll probably enjoy roistering about with that lecher and that Pluto is the king of all evil pleasures. Juno wants to assign Nemesis a different mission. She wants Nemesis to leave Hercules on Earth, but without his divinity. Juno says that she can't take away his divinity permanently, but she can make him as other men, for a while. She gives Nemesis a powder that she is to put in Hercules' drink which will take away his divinity temporarily. Nemesis refuses, but Juno blackmails her into doing it. Nemesis takes the powder and heads off to Earth to find Hercules. She tells her that on the way back, she wants her to stop and see Pluto as well and deliver a message for her.
25. Nemesis delivers her payload in a rather sleazy looking bar where she finds Hercules having a drink with Helen. She dumps the powder into Hercules' drink while it's sitting on a tray on the bar waiting to be taken to Hercules' table. Once the mickey has been slipped, she takes off and heads down to the underworld to meet up with Pluto. Pluto is a real slick character. I mean, he's like a total 70's swinger baby. He's the kinda guy that Austin Powers would troll for chicks with. Anyway, Nemesis tells him about what's going on with Hercules and how Zeus has decreed that Hercules is to spend the next hundred years there with him. She also tells him that Hercules won't come voluntarily, so it is up to him to figure out a way to get him to come voluntarily. Nemesis finishes up the conversation and takes off back to Olympus while Pluto heads on up to the city to find Hercules. Now Pluto can't stand the light, so he causes a blackout through the whole city on his way to Hercules' apartment. Once he gets there, his unenviable task of trying to convince Hercules to go back to the underworld with him begins. Pluto tells him that he has a contract written up by the greatest legal minds in the universe who also happen to be guests of his at the moment. He says that if Hercules would just sign the contract, he could arrange for him to have his choice of women. Hercules blows him off and gives him the bums rush out of the apartment. Pluto leaves reluctantly and heads off to meet up with the gangsters that own Hercules's contract. He places a twenty thousand dollar bet with them that Hercules will lose his next challenge against Monstro The Magnificent in a strong man contest.

26. The day of the contest arrives and it's going to be televised on a nationally syndicated variety show. Hercules, Pretzie and Helen are in the locker room area when the gangster and his buddies come in. He lays some heavy words on Hercules who just flat out doesn't get it, and then walks out. Helen tells Hercules that it sounded like that man was threatening him. Hercules is all, "He was???" God what a dope. Anyway, Pretzie tells him that the guy's a bad man and that he wishes that they didn't have anything to do with him. The stage hand pops in and calls for Hercules out on stage. Helen wishes him luck and Pretzie has a fit while he follows Hercules out to the stage area. So Hercules get's out there and meets up with Monstro. Monstro is this big black bodybuilder guy who I'm sure was a competitor at the time. He looks familiar but I'm not sure what his name is. Anyway, they're doing a clean and jerk competition and they start out with five hundred pounds.

Round 1: 500lbs - They both lift it.
Round 2: 750lbs - They both lift it and Hercules actually military presses it one more time before he sets it down.
Round 3: 1000lbs (yeah right) - Monstro lifts it and then flexes his muscles for the camera. Hercules tries to lift it, but he can only get it up to his waist. He tries again, but looks like he's about to have a hernia and then drops it. He gets all pissed off and then walks backstage. Pretzie tells him they gotta get out of there and they bail out down the fire escape as the gangsters head backstage to express their displeasure with him losing the competition.

27. Back on Olympus, Zeus says that he did not decree that Hercules be bereft of his divinity and wants to know how that came to pass. No one says anything, so Zeus calls for his servant Aeros. Aeros pops out from behind the throne and says, "Yes oh Zeus?" Zeus grabs his chest like he's having a heart attack and starts weezing. Aeros scared the hell out of him. God that was funny. Anyway, he sends Aeros to fetch Nemesis so he can get to the bottom of all this. Zeus can't hardly breathe and Mercury pops up and starts fanning air at him. Oh man, what a total goof!!!
28. Back at the studio, the gangsters see Helen and her father leave and start to follow them. Hercules and Pretzie come running out and realize that Helen and her father are leading the gangsters away. Now this is awesome. Hercules spots a chariot with two horses attached to it which is standing empty while the guy in the Tarzan outfit that was driving it is at the hot dog stand getting a hot dog. Hercules and Pretzie steal the chariot and start chasing after the gangsters. The guy who owns the chariot went running off after them, and the hot dog vendor went chasing after that guy saying, "Hey mister, wait for your sauerkraut!" Since traffic sucks in New York, Hercules actually manages to catch up to them when they all end up in Central Park. Hercules pulls the chariot up along side the bad guy's car and starts hitting them through the window with his whip. They split off and Hercules somehow manages to hook up with Helen and her father just as the wheel falls off his chariot. Hercules and Pretzie hop in the professor's car and off they go. About this time, the real owner of the chariot comes running up looking for it and the hot dog vendor finally catches up to him, at which time he gently lays the guys sauerkraut on his hot dog. I told you this movie was goofy. I wonder how many people got free hot dogs while the vendor was running that guy down to give him his sauerkraut? He'll get back and the cart will be totally empty. The professor's car finally runs out of gas and they all run into this building to hide despite Hercules' insistence that Hercules doesn't flee from anybody.
29. Now we're taken back to Olympus, where Zeus and the other gods that are standing around him confront Nemesis and demand to know exactly what happened. Nemesis tells Zeus that she was sent on another mission. Zeus demands to know who sent her on another mission against his orders. The scene cuts back to Hercules and the gang back at the old building at this point where we see Hercules holding off the gangsters single handedly, but not as well as he would if he actually had his divinity. He finally gets them locked on the other side of a door and we're taken back to Olympus where we find Nemesis rolling over on Juno. Zeus throws the evil eye at Juno and then calms down enough to sit down. Venus asks Zeus if he will not save Hercules. Zeus says to let him abide by the consequences of his own folly and obstinacy, which we get to watch Herc do by the way as we cut back to the old building and see him with three or four guys piled on top of him banging his head on the floor. Back on Olympus, Venus tells Mercury that they can send aid to Hercules and sends him off to find Atlas and Samson to go and help Hercules. So Atlas and Samson suddenly show up at the old building and start tossing gangsters around like rag dolls. Hercules manages to get up where Helen and the professor are and he's like totally out of it. Zeus is totally getting into the fight, but finally he gets upset and demands to know who sent Atlas and Samson to help Hercules. Venus fesses up to it and then manages to convince Zeus that he should help Hercules. Zeus finally decides that he's seen enough and that it's intolerable that his son who is a god should be treated like this by these mortals. He restores Hercules' divinity, and Hercules opens up a whole case of whup-ass. Hercules knocks these big barrels over on top of the bad guys as his strength returns and then stretches a bit and bounces his boobies up and down. Yep, he's feeling back to his old self again.
30. It's the next day now, and Hercules and Pretzie are on top of the Empire State Building. Hercules wanders off by himself and addresses his father from the top of the building. He says that he's been willful and that Zeus has more wisdom than Hercules and that Zeus has only to speak now for Hercules to obey. Pretzie goes looking for him in a panic, but it's too late. Hercules is gone. Pretzie walks dejectedly back to his apartment, depressed because he lost his friend, and the only person in his life that ever made him feel important. He sits down and turns on the radio. There's some nice, old fashioned music playing, but then Hercules suddenly starts talking to him through the radio. He tells him that they'll always be friends. Pretzie asks Hercules if he'll ever see him again, and Hercules tells him that anytime he wishes him to be there, then all he has to do is think of him, and there he'll be, in his heart and in his mind, for as long as he wants him to be. Now isn't that sweet? I think I feel a tear welling up now.
31. Back on Olympus, Hercules tells Zeus about all the stuff he saw on the world below. Juno says that it sounds horribly noisy. Zeus just tells Hercules to leave him so that he can think on all that he has been told. He sends Juno away as well and then stands up, takes off his crown, and heads off down to Earth for another one of his infamous vacations. What's funny is, he does a fly by on the way down past another Pan Am jet, and winks at the same old lady that freaked out when she saw Hercules fly by at the beginning of the movie. What's even funnier is that in his earthly dress suit, Zeus looks more like a Hasidic diamond merchant than anything else. I wonder how many kids he's gonna father on this trip? Doesn't he ever learn? More mandolin music, and that's the end of the movie.



Best Quote

"A beautiful woman who has a handsome man for a friend. They must be lovers. It's disappointing and unnatural if they are not."

 

- Hercules making a statement about the friendship between Rod and Helen. - (Reviewer's Note: You know, he's right. It makes me wonder why so many women just want to be "friends". I mean, seriously. And I mean this with all sincerity girls. Guys don't want to just be friends. So maybe when all you girls out there figure that out, you'll realize that all you're doing by trying to be our friend is making it hard on us. Now I'm not speaking from personal experience or anything mind you...but...uh......)

 


 

"You have strucked Hercules."

 

- Hercules makes this brilliant statement after Rod busts his hand off his abs a couple of times. - (Reviewer's Note: This just sounded so funny, I had to add a second quote into the review. Picture Arnold saying that with his really thick accent, and you'll realize just how funny it was.)




Video Clip
When prompted, enter bmovie for the username and central for the password.

Hercules in New York
Hercules, annoyed by the fact that some actor has the nerve to pretend to be him in a theater production, proves that he's the real Hercules by taking off his shirt and flexing his muscles for his lady fair. Man this was funny.



The Conclusion

I'm gonna this off by mentioning that I've already seen this movie. I mention this, because I have never seen most of the movies that I review, and I do this on purpose because it adds spontaneity to the review and allows me to be funnier and more creative, especially when I get one like Robot Monster that's just completely confusing. If I had seen Robot Monster before I did the review, the review wouldn't have been anywhere near as fun because I would have already known the ending. Now that brings me back to this film.

I watched this film with my wife Sharon a couple of weeks ago because I didn't think I was going to be reviewing it anytime soon, if at all. We watched it with Arnold's original voice track, which although it isn't as cheesy as the dubbed voice over track, it is more real and you get to hear Arnold's real line delivery which just makes it seem more right. As we sat and watched this cheeseball of a movie, I knew that I just had to review it. There wasn't even a question anymore. With a movie like this one you're guaranteed an entertaining review and I really believe that this will become one of my more popular ones.

Now let's get to the actual conclusion. This was Arnold Schwartzenegger's first movie and boy did he pick a doozy. Seeing this film with his original voice track makes me feel like I can give a better impression of the real work he did in this film. Basically, he played Hercules as a spoiled, arrogant child, which is exactly what was intended in the script. He played that aspect of his character very well but what really came out in his portrayal of Hercules was the humor. Not only did he do a great job playing the role, but there was a humor aspect to his performance that really shined through. Like when he pulled off his shirt and started flexing his muscles in front of the theater. The way he did it and the fact that he did it at all was just brilliant and extremely funny. The only lagging part of his portrayal of this character was his line delivery. Not that it was bad mind you, but much of the time it sounded rehearsed and not natural. Is this a bad thing? No, not really, because it doesn't take away from the enjoyment of the film at all. I just think that he could have drawn out more sympathy for the characters problems with a more natural line delivery.

Now let's move on to another key character in this film. Pretzie is played by Arnold Stang. You may not recognize the name, and you may not even recognize the face, but you sure as hell will recognize the voice. Arnold Stang's appearances in movies is dwarfed big time by the number of voices he's provided for animated characters over the years. His list of credits on IMDB is amazing, and his talent for playing the sidekick, whether it be in movies or in providing voices for animated characters, is unmatched. He plays his role in this movie as a loyal friend and the quintessential albeit skittery sidekick. You really kinda feel sorry for this character because he's basically been a nobody all his life, and his brief association with Hercules makes him feel, for the first time, like he actually is somebody. When Hercules leaves at the end of the movie, you really feel sorry for Pretzie because you know he's going to go back to his plain life in his plain apartment and end up just being a nobody again. Hercules' father Zeus is played by Ernest Graves, who did a wonderful job in portraying Zeus as the agonized and somewhat arrogant father who seems to be perpetually irritated with his son even though he obviously loves him very much. The character is fun and played even somewhat lighthearted at times. Even when Hercules is following him around antagonizing him, he comes off as a loving father who just wants the best for his son.

Now the character of Helen is kind of a mystery to me. Helen is played by Deborah Loomis and at first glance seems like she would be one of those uptight college girl types who was really into women's lib and what not. But that's just at first glance, because when Arnold starts flexing his muscles and spewing testosterone all over the place, she becomes like a giddy little schoolgirl with a crush, even when cracked the ribs of her friend Rod Nelson, she still had the hots for him. She ended up being a very fun character and a nice love interest for Hercules. Unfortunately, Hercules bailed on her at the end of the movie when he went back to Olympus. There are a variety of other side characters in this film as well, but the sheer numbers of them make it impossible to cover them all here.

Basically, this movie is low budget and semi poorly written, but the likeability of the actors and the fun performances really save this film and make it incredibly fun to watch. Are there stupid things in the plot that don't make a lot of sense? Sure there are. Could some of the dialogue have been better? Sure it could have. But in the final analysis, none of it mattered. If you're one of those people who loves big muscles, goofy sidekicks and good ol' fashioned cheesy fun, then you should definitely pick this one up right away. Watch this movie with your friends, because the more people you can get watching this movie together, the more fun it's going to be.

So, in the final conclusion, it's my extreme pleasure to award this incredibly fun movie...

B-Movie Central's Rating: 5 Bees!

Purchase this film from Amazon:
or

Purchase this film from Movies Unlimited:
or

Unseen Things: Origins



My series of contemporary fantasy / sci-fi novels, Unseen Things is now available through the official website, Amazon, Smashwords and other online retail sites.

BMC Facebook Page




Donations

If you enjoy this site, please consider making a donation.

alt

Affiliates




Login Form