Hercules Against the Moon Men
|Cast Of Characters|
|Hercules (Maciste): He's the hero in case that thought didn't occur to you. Like many of the Hercules characters in these movies, he's big and somewhat dumb, except this one also has the added bonus of being boring as well. Seems like every time he does something, he starts huffing and puffing like an out of shape old man too. I'm not sure why they had him do that, but it sure didn't fit the character.||
|Queen Samara: Oh man, when she's got her hair down she's majorly hot. She's also quite evil, conniving, murderous, treacherous, and sinister as well. I think if I was the queen of so many idiots, I would probably end up that way too. She teams up with the moon men to bring their queen back to life just so she can be rich and powerful. The thing is, that after they bring their queen back to life, there won't be any humans left on the Earth, so I don't know what she thought she was gonna do with all that wealth and power.||
|Claudius: He was Samara's father's advisor and he tried to be hers as well but she wouldn't have any part of it. He's the one who sent for Hercules behind Samara's back. She finds out about it though and has him killed. For a wise and aged advisor, he really isn't very wise. I'll tell you one thing though. He's a hell of a lot wiser than his moronic daughter.||
|Agar: Remember like two seconds ago when I was talking about Claudius's moronic daughter? Well this is her. She's about the most completely incompetent and worthless character I've ever seen in a movie. She's no help whatsoever and spends all her time either causing everyone around her serious problems or just flat out getting them killed. She's in love with Hercules by the way and they end up together at the end. And brother let me tell you something. He's welcome to her.||
|Prince Darix: This guy is a prince? He sure doesn't act like a prince. He doesn't fight like one either. In fact, I think the only real reason he's even in this movie is so that Phyllis can have a love interest. He really doesn't do anything except talk, get himself captured, and generally get his butt kicked nine ways from Sunday.||
|Princess Phyllis: I apologize for the crappy screen shot here. There really weren't any good face shots of her at all in this movie. Anyway, this is Princess Phyllis, which should come as no surprise to you considering there's a picture of her and her name is written at the beginning of this section. She's about as interesting as a tube of Preparation-H and is not only completely without intelligence, but has no real vital part in this movie other than being the sacrifice for the moon men. I've talked enough about her now. Let's move on.||
|Radolphus: This is the leader of the moon men. Not sure who did the costume design for this guy but at least it's somewhat interesting. Now mind you, I said the costume was interesting. I didn't say anything about the character, because frankly the character was not only uninteresting, but for a moon man, he didn't seem overly intelligent. He seems pretty irritable though in the few speaking parts he has even though he keeps it under control to an absolutely boring level. I guess I'd be irritable too if my head looked like someone made a skull out of metallic silly putty and then rolled it flat.||
|After a meteor crashes into a mountain, the moon men emerge and demand human sacrifices from the city below. This goes on for years until at last Claudius, advisor to Queen Samara, sends for the mighty Hercules to save them all. The evil Queen Samara however, is in league with the moon men, and does everything in her power to stop Hercules. The moon men need a final human sacrifice on the night of the convergence of the planets in order to bring their queen Selena back to life. The sacrifice turns out to be the princess Phyllis and Hercules must rescue her and stop the moon men before it's too late. If you're ready for ninety minutes of pure boredom, then read on...|
|What The Hell???|
|1. The movie starts with a little back story about how a fiery meteor fell to Earth on the mountain of Samar. A new life was born on the mountain that day, and since that time the people of Samar have been forced to sacrifice their children to the mountain in order to survive. And how do they do this? Well, they chain them up and drag them to the mountain where this really gnarly Tiki lookin' stone face opens the mouth and the kids, who are actually all teenagers, are shoved through the mouth into this really disco looking green light. Needless to say the kids don't want to go, so it's fortunate that there's plenty of soldiers around to shove them in.|
|2. Next we see Claudius talking to Queen Samara. He's telling her that the people can no longer endure the human sacrifices that she's imposed upon them. She reminds him about what happened during the reign of her father. He says that he remembers and that the fate that overtook those who dared to rebel was worse than the destiny they face now. But there's a man who's so marvelous that he can lead the people against those who dwell in the mountain. He implores her to send for this man but Samara doesn't want to hear any of it and goes into a serious PMS fit. She sends Claudius away and a general emerges from behind the wall. He tells her that Claudius lied to her and that Hercules is already on his way and that they must be meeting secretly. Ok that's enough lead in to this whole thing. Now let's get on to the good stuff.|
|3. Hercules is riding along on his way to Samar when suddenly, as he passes by this big cliff, huge rocks start to roll over the side and fly towards him. He manages to dodge that, but then he's attacked by a horde of peasant lookin' guys or thieves or something. Not sure what they are yet. Let's unpause the movie and find out. Yes, as expected, Hercules just beat the snot out of all of them. I'm guessing they were thieves or something because they never actually said. He just went back to his horse and off on his merry way he went. I hope something goofy happens soon. I'm not getting a lot to work with here so far.|
|4. That evening, back in Samara's boudoir, a projection of a moon man fades in and tells Samara that she has failed and that Hercules has escaped the trap that she set for him. She asks him how could he defeat her best soldiers. At least that explains who those guys were now. Anyway, he gets on her case about how Hercules has to die so that they can move out from the mountain and dominate the world, making her the most powerful woman on Earth. He also tells her that before the next full moon, she must deliver princess Phyllis to the sacrifice so that they can bring their queen Selena back to life. The moon man says that he can't stay any longer and that he cannot help her any more, and then he fades away. Ummm...I'm still waiting for something goofy to rip on here guys. Come on now, throw me a frickin' bone over here. I'm trying to work and you're not being any help at all. So far all I really got is a moon man that looks like a skeleton with a flat face walking around in a dress. Now that's a little goofy, but certainly not what I expected out of a movie called Hercules Against the Moon Men.|
|5. Phyllis and her love meet in the garden. They talk about how they can't meet openly and about how Samara is a total beeotch and the monsters in the mountain and yada yada yada... Boring scene really. Samara was eavesdropping on them through a cat statue that was broadcasting everything they were saying right back to her. So far Samara hasn't shown a lot of redeeming qualities. She's not bad lookin' though, so I guess that's at least something.|
|6. Out in the woods, Hercules comes upon this girl who was sent to meet him and lead him to the man who sent for him. He picks her up and sets her on the horse in front of him and they smile at each other. Gee, isn't this movie exciting? *Yawn* God I hope this thing picks up soon. Hercules turns on his male chauvinist mode and asks her what possessed her father to send a girl to meet him, and a child at that. Now, this girl is about eighteen to twenty years old here folks. She's hardly a child. Anyway, off they ride together towards her pappy's place. I can seriously feel myself falling asleep here. I hope this doesn't turn into another Hercules In The Haunted World. I don't know if I could take that again. I needed a week and a half off just to recover after writing up that snoozefest.|
|7. Back at the palace, Agar, the girl who met up with Hercules, leads him into the castle. He has to hide when the queen approaches, and after a small bit of banter between the queen and Agar, she finally leads Hercules to her father Claudius. Now who the hell would give their kid a stupid name like Agar? Especially when it's a girl! God what a horrible name to saddle a kid with. That's just not cool.|
|8. So Hercules finally meets up with Claudius. Now here's where the translation becomes obscure. Claudius welcomes "Hercules" and then Hercules says that it was his father's friendship for him that brought him there. Now would this old fart really be a friend of Zeus? I think not. The character of Hercules is not actually Hercules at all and I will go into this in detail in the conclusion. The real name of the character is Maciste, and was only changed to Hercules when it came time to do the English dub of the movie. As I said, I will go into this more in depth in the conclusion. It's kind of an interesting little factoid that is definitely worth knowing.|
|9. During the conversation, Hercules tells Claudius that he was ambushed on the way to town. Claudius asks Hercules if he could describe their leader, and when Hercules does, Claudius instantly recognizes him as one of Samara's soldiers. He then proceeds cedes to tell Hercules about how Samara is driven by ambition and vanity and how her father asked him to watch over her and guide her. Yeah, yeah I know. Blah, blah, blah... Finally he gets around to telling Hercules about the sacrifices that are being made to the moon men and says that there is one planned for tomorrow. Once all the conversation is over and Agar comes in and daddy says how proud he is of her, Claudius leads Hercules out through a secret passage. God, even splitting this review up into multiple days hasn't done anything to kill the boredom. I've done two lines here on day two of this review and I'm already bored to tears.|
|10. Agar hangs out in the chamber that her father and Hercules just left. Suddenly she spots a pair of eyes looking through a sliding door in the wall. Why, it's Queen Samara and her general. Isn't that surprising? I bet you never would have guessed. The queen slides the peep door closed and Agar runs for the secret passage. Out in the passage, Claudius is...uh...sorta killed by a bunch of spikes that shoot out from a wall. At the same time, a trap door opens and Hercules falls into a pit. Then water starts pouring out of three holes in the pit. Now we get to see that the spikes were controlled by the general. Agar sees what happened to her father and goes running over to him just as the general throws the lever again and the spikes pull back into the wall. Now answer me something here. You just saw your father killed by a large number of spikes that shot out of a wall. You go running over to him and grab a hold of him. How stupid is that? You throw yourself right into the space where all the spikes could shoot out and kill you at any second. The smart thing would have been to crawl in low and drag him out. Then again, no one in this movie so far has shown too much intelligence, so I guess that's too much to ask for.|
|11. Claudius is still alive, at least long enough to say that she needs to save Hercules and get him to the rendezvous point. Only then does he finally expire and put an end to his boring role in this film. Back to Hercules now who's still in the pit that's being filled up with water. He's all looking for a way out and getting all freaked. Now um, I'm no rocket scientist, but the trap door on the pit didn't close. All he has to do is wait till the water fills the pit and swim out. I mean, duh! What does he do instead? He busts a hole through the stone wall of the pit which just so happens to lead into an underground cavern. Now what the hell kind of a trap of death was that pit supposed to be in the first place? I'm not surprised he got out alive, I'm just surprised at how he did it. Now if you really wanted to kill him, wouldn't it have made more sense to have him drop down in the pit, and then have several guys with crossbows come out and shoot him while he was in there? Or hell, even put some spikes at the bottom of the pit. Something! It reminds me of the Austin Powers movie where Dr. Evil's son Scott got all ticked off because they had come up with this big elaborate scheme to kill Austin Powers, and Scott was all like, "Just shoot him!!! I got a gun in my room!" Oh if only... At this point I would even take some sharks with laser beams on their heads. Just release them into the pit and zap zap zap, he's dead.|
|12. Now things are startin' to pick up a little. As soon as Hercules gets out into the cavern, he's attacked by this big caveman/gorilla beast with great big tusks. Now there was absolutely no reason for this scene other than to try to add a little excitement to an otherwise boring movie. There was no goal or prize here and therefore no reason for him to have the encounter with this creature. Anyway, after he curb stomps the ugly beastie, he makes his way over to some iron bars that are closing off the cavern and precedes to bend them apart with his bare hands. Ohhhh, aren't we fierce? Out in the outer cavern, he hears someone coming and hides behind a rock. Why, it's Agar! She went running aimlessly through the caverns and just happened to show up at the very spot where Hercules was standing. Now is that coincidence or what? Anyway, she starts crying on his shoulder and whining about her father. When the blubbering is over, she tells him that they were spied on by Queen Samara. They head off to the rendezvous point together so that the people will know that he is alive and that they still have hope.|
|13. Back at the entrance to the secret tunnel, the general climbs back up and tells Queen Samara that Hercules broke out of the pit, killed the beast and bent the iron bars. He also tells her that Hercules is so strong that they'll never be able to overcome him. She insists that they can do it with cunning and asks the general if he has a group of men that he can trust implicitly. He says yes and she says that they can accompany him. He asks her where and she says, "What does it matter?" Are you finally getting a clue about how lame this movie is? God, I'd rather watch Hercules In The Haunted World to be perfectly honest, and I hated that movie. I only gave it the rating I did because there was a little humor and it had one good character and it looked nice.|
|14. Back in the castle, Phyllis goes to Samara and asks her if she can marry Prince Darix. Samara agrees but says that she can't marry him right away because she's going to send him off to some other kingdom to perform some secret negotiations for her. She says that when he returns, they can be married. Phyllis gets all happy and leaves while Samara sits there with an evil look on her face. I wonder how the actors themselves actually managed to stay awake long enough to get through the filming of this monstrosity.|
|15. Now we go to the secret rendezvous point where Hercules is supposed to meet up with the villagers. A man says that Claudius is dead and Hercules is dead and that they were their only hope. Then some woman pipes up from the side of the room and says, "You can talk that way because you don't have children, but if you had a daughter like my child, you'd understand the anguish that a mother feels when the moon is full and you know they're coming to take her away to the sacrifice." Now this just irritates the living hell out of me every time I hear some stupid woman spouting this crap. Why is it that women think that they're the only ones capable of loving their children and that men are just unfeeling beasts who couldn't care less? That is such a crock of horse crap and it's just plain wrong. I say that the next time the moon is full, they should send her off to the sacrifice for being so damned stupid. The sad part about this is that as soon as she's finished spewing her crap all over the place, her husband pops up and agrees with her. What an imbecile.|
|16. So next, the guy who spoke originally asks Matthias to tell them about his experience, because he's the only one who's been up to the Mountain of Death and survived. He says he saw the mountain open up miraculously and he was bathed in a blinding green light. Then, huge deformed rock-like creatures appeared and he was deafened by a weird sound that seemed to come from the depths of the Earth. After that he was robbed of his senses and doesn't remember anything more. Yeah I guess so. I mean, he probably messed his skirt and everything. I wouldn't want to remember that either.|
|17. Ok this is like day four of working on this crappy review. I think I'll knock back a few stiff belts before I start up again because that's the only thing that's going to make this movie bearable. Here we go...oh god...more boring talk...booze not strong enough...the pain...oh god the pain!!!|
|18. Ok, now that I'm sufficiently buzzed, let's get on with this thing. This group of pansies are all bummed out because they think Hercules and Claudius are dead. But lo and behold who should come in the door right at that very minute? Why, it's Maciste, who's almost as good as cool as Hercules! It's a good thing he's got all these people thinking that he's actually Hercules. It might just bring their spirits up a bit. (You'll understand that last joke when you get to the conclusion. Believe me, it's a gas. No wait, it wasn't the joke. The gas came from the dog. Bad girl!) Anyway, Hercules comes in with Agar and everyone rejoices and welcomes him. He asks them what would happen if they refused to send the sacrificial victims to the monsters in the mountains. Some whiner starts going on and on about how the monsters would come down from the mountain and wreak death and destruction upon them all. Hercules reassures them and they all leave so as not to be spotted by the soldiers. After they leave, Agar starts giving Hercules that I'll lick you all over for a dime look, says a few sweet words to him, and then heads back to the castle. Now um, excuse me here, but didn't this chick just see her father spiked to death less than an hour ago? And now she's making goo goo eyes at Hercules? How cold blooded can you be?|
|19. Back at the castle, Agar walks into their chambers and finds Samara standing there waiting. Samara tells her that she expected to see her there mourning the death of her father, but instead, she was out running around the city. Agar tells her that she wants her to find the killer. Samara agrees but tells her that it won't be easy because her father had no enemies. Now I personally find that hard to believe considering how lame her father was and how bad he looked in those robes. He looked like a prune in a watermelon.|
|20. Well that didn't last too long. I fell asleep. I'm back now and it's the next day, so here we go. Outside in the castle courtyard, Phyllis says goodbye to Prince Darix as he leaves on his "diplomatic" mission for Queen Samara. Agar comes out right after Darix rides away and tells Phyllis that Samara knows that Darix is involved in a conspiracy and that she thinks he's riding into a trap. They go off to find Hercules so that he can help Prince Darix. Now why the hell didn't she come out even just one minute earlier and fill the prince in on this little tidbit of information before he left? Hell, she could have even hopped on a horse and chased after him.|
|21. Now Agar and Phyllis run out into the middle of nowhere where Hercules and Timar are scouting out a road. So if they can run out there that fast to let Hercules know what's going on, then why the hell didn't she run after the prince? That would have not only been easier, but wiser and faster. Anyway, Agar gives Hercules a little kiss and away he goes on his horse, off to rescue the unsuspecting prince. As he rides up over a ridge, he sees a line of soldiers lead by the prince and takes off after them, but it's too late. One of the soldiers just planted an arrow into the prince's chest and then as he rode away, the rest of them chased after him to finish the job. So they catch up to him and dog pile on top of him and just in the nick of time, Hercules shows up, beats on a few of them and chases them off. Now come on here. There's about ten soldiers and they all have weapons and they all go running off just because some barehanded guy comes up and starts thumping on a few of them? Gimme a break! Anyway, Hercules picks up the prince and takes him back to the city. You know, even the action scenes in this movie are boring.|
|22. Back in the city, at the tavern, the tavern keeper and his wife are attending to the prince's wounds. Now when I say wounds, you think there would be a big ol' gnarly arrow wound on his chest right? Well, you'd be disappointed if you thought that. Basically what we have here is a dirty, sweaty prince with a little blood smeared on his chest well above where the arrow actually hit.|
|23. Outside, the soldiers are rounding up people for the sacrifice. They finally make their way to the tavern where they come in demanding the tavern keeper's daughter. Hercules has a good ol' time beatin' the hell out of these guys and tossing them around. Finally they get the hint and take off running. Hercules and the others leave the tavern. Agar meets them outside and tells them that Phyllis has been taken by the soldiers. Just as Hercules is about to run off and save her, Agar's all, "But if anything happens to you, what will become of me?" Jeez, we're not just a little self-centered and self-absorbed are we? Hercules tells her not to worry and that nothing will happen to him and then he takes off running.|
|24. Up on the mountain, Hercules catches up to the soldiers and their prisoners. He makes his way up to the princess and tells her to come along. He realizes too late that it's not the princess at all but someone made up to look like her as a trap. Hercules quickly finds himself under a net with soldiers all around him. I think Hercules could use a little help right about now, don't you? Maybe the real Hercules, Steve Reeves, will come and rescue him. While he's at it, he could try to rescue this abomination of a movie as well. On second thought, I don't even think Steve Reeves could save this one.|
|25. Now off in the cavern of the moon men, Phyllis and Samara are standing there looking at this chick who's all laid out on a slab, and she looks just like Phyllis. The head moon man comes out and starts explaining to them that through Phyllis's blood, their queen shall live again. Phyllis finally figures out what's going on and freaks out. She begs Samara to tell her that it's not true and then runs away, only to be surrounded by rock men that look very similar to the rock man in Hercules In The Haunted World. I wonder if that's a coincidence or not? Both movies suck, so probably not. The head moonie then explains to Samara what will happen when the planets align, and tells her that she has to kill Hercules.|
|26. Back at the dungeons, Hercules is all chained up in this spiked thingamabobby and Agar comes and talks to him through a window in his cell. He tells Agar that she can only help him by doing nothing, and that only Samara can tell him where to find Phyllis. Basically, he's hangin' out long enough to get the queen to shoot off her mouth so he can take care of business. Agar tells him she loves him and then leaves, only to be captured by a soldier and taken off to witness a little ceremony that Samara has planned involving Hercules. Is it just me, or are the people in this movie just flat out none too bright? They're always getting captured or abused or murdered or whatever. Not that they don't deserve it, but still...|
|27. Off to the ceremony now where Hercules is stuck between two huge stone jaws lined with spikes. He's holding them apart while Samara and everyone else who's there looks on. The jaws are being closed by slaves who are pushing on a wheel to close them. Hercules is breathing heavy and looks like he might give out at any moment. Will he hold out? Can he hold out??? Unfortunately, yes. Samara is looking at him like she hasn't been with a man in years. Wonder why she wants to kill him so bad if she's got the hots for him? Finally the spikes get closer and closer and eventually press against his stomach. Just as they're about to kill him, the rope on the jaws breaks and he busts them apart. Samara's still lookin' at him with the hairy eyeball and asks the soldiers to bring him to her quarters. She's all laid out in their looking totally hot, and she's all coming on to him. He throws her a big line of crap about how now that he's seen her, he can no longer rebel against her, and that he wants to stay with her and that no slave would be more faithful to her than he would. She wanders over and pours them a drink. Naturally, she drugs his. what else would you expect? Man she's lookin' hot in this scene. It's the first time in this movie she's really looked this good.|
|28. She gives him the drink and a little kissy and then just as they're going to drink, a soldier pops in the door and interrupts them. Samara turns and tells him to get out and as she banters back and forth with him, Hercules, in what's the first and only funny thing I've seen in this movie so far, flips his cup forward and dumps out all the drink. It was just hilarious how he did it. Now the stupid thing is, that not only would she hear it, but she'd be able to see it all over the place in front of him. I don't know what he was thinkin' in doing that the way he did, but considering how low the intelligence level seems to be in this movie, I doubt she'll notice.|
|29. Hercules fakes passing out on the bed just as a group of soldiers comes in dragging the leader of the group that was sent to kill Prince Darix. He tells her that he was badly wounded, but he managed to drag himself back to the castle to tell her that the prince was still alive. She gets this PMS look on her face and tells the guards to have him executed for his failure. Yeah, like we didn't see that coming. Anyway, after they leave, she wanders over to Hercules who's still pretending to be passed out and tells him that when he wakes up, he'll be her most powerful and loyal slave. See, the powder she put in his drink was some kind of a love potion thingy that she keeps in a locket around her neck. After she walks out, he wakes up and smiles to himself thinking that he's all clever. Yeah, real clever there Einstein. You were alone in the room with her and had every chance to either score with her or kill her and you didn't do either. Yeah you're a real brainiac all right. Um, wait a minute. After he woke up and looked all proud of himself, he laid his head back down, smiled, and crashed out there on the comfy pillows. All I can think is like, what the hell? Don't you have more important things you should be doing right now?|
|30. Over in the throne room, Samara is reading Agar the riot act for conspiring against her. She banishes Agar from her kingdom without killing her because there's been too much blood spilled already. But then as soon as Agar walks out, she gives the general the ol' kill her as soon as she steps foot outside of the city nod and he nods back with a smile and walks away. Again, like we didn't see that coming.|
|31. Now we're at the tavern, and the prince is arguing with Timor and insisting on going to look for Phyllis. Agar comes busting in like the absolute brain child that she is and tells the prince that she's been sent into exile and that the queen has Hercules. Just then, about twenty soldiers come busting in, kill Timor, and take Agar and the prince. Now what a moron Agar was to go running off to the prince first thing after she was exiled. What? Did she really think they were gonna exile her and then let her go wandering around the city without being watched? This girl has done absolutely nothing but cause problems and bring trouble down on the heads of herself and everyone she's around. I think this movie and everyone in it would have been better off if she had been the one to get spiked instead of her prune in the watermelon father. At least he seemed somewhat intelligent.|
|32. Anyway, Hercules and Samara are in her bed chambers now. Hercules tells her to send the musicians away, and she does. She asks him why and he said it was because he wanted to be alone with her. They kiss, and then he starts playing games with her. He's asking her how she can make him the most powerful man in the world. She says for him to be patient until tonight. Just a few hours and then he'll see that she was telling him the truth. Just then, the guards bring in Agar and the prince all chained up. She asks Hercules if he knows them and he says that they're the ones who tried to turn him against her. She asks him what penalty they should suffer for their crimes and he says the death penalty. But a slow death. He tells her that she should let them starve to death, so they'll have time to reflect upon their crimes before they die. She agrees and they're taken away. Now that's only about the second smart thing I've seen him do in this movie. He just bought them enough time for him to take care of business and rescue them. At least he's finally usin' the ol noggin for something useful.|
|33. Cut to the tavern where the tavern keeper is trying to convince the village men that it's time to stand up and fight if they're ever going to be free men. Just then, a soldier comes in. A fairly high ranking one by the looks of him. He says that he and his men want to join them in their cause and that his men are men of the people and have their own women and children to protect. Now with soldiers to back them up, they get all brave and head off to storm the castle. I was starting to wonder about this. I mean, how the soldiers who most likely all grew up in that city could go along with all the evil stuff Samara was making them do to the people. That would be like if our army started walking the streets and killing people.|
|34. It's nighttime now, and Samara is showing Hercules the moon. She says that it's from there that her power will come. Then she starts going into this big story about how she's allied with the moon men and how their sacrifice of Phyllis will bring their queen back to life. He asks her where Phyllis is and she says that she's in the cavern of the moon men. He says that that's exactly what he wanted to know and then proceeds to tell her that her magic philter didn't work on him and that he knew what he was doing all along. She freaks and escapes through a secret passage in the wall and Hercules goes busting out of the room in the other direction on his way to save Agar and the prince. Unfortunately, he runs into about twenty guards out in the hallway and has to do a little snot beatin' before he finally makes his way down to the dungeons to free them.|
|35. The general comes running up to Samara and tells her that the people are marching on the castle and that the army has deserted them. Only his personal guards are holding them off and Hercules is destroying them. She tells him that they must escape, and he goes running off. Well, at least we know he's got the right idea. Oh wait, actually, this is kinda cool. Hercules is in the dungeon with Agar and the prince. He tells them that Phyllis is being held captive in the cavern of the moon men and sends them off out the back way. When he came in, he dropped this big metal door to keep all the guards out of the room. And when I say big, I mean really big. The whole time he was in there the guards were banging on the door trying to break through (like that was even gonna happen), anyway, he grabs the door, tears it off it's hinges, and dumps it on top of all the guards who were standing on the other side, killing them all. Just as he runs out, the general comes running down the stairs and attacks him. A somewhat boring fight sequence ensues with a rather cool finale. The general is trying to stab Hercules with a spear, and Hercules grabs it, spins him around, and bends the thing around his neck killing him. Now that was creative. I don't think I've ever seen anyone killed that way in a movie. It's not gonna help the final rating much, but it was still kinda cool.|
|36. Outside, the city people are storming the castle. Now this might conjure up images of a great army or something, but in fact it was about maybe twenty or so guys with torches and no weapons running up to the gates yelling like a bunch of idiots. The tavern keeper comes out and tells them that they all have to head to the mountain and that Hercules is already on his way. Now what they hell do they think they're gonna do against stone men using torches and bare hands as weapons. If they had any brains, they'd have taken along a bunch of sledge hammers. Then again, I guess it makes it awful hard to run along yelling like an idiot when you have to pack a sledge hammer with you. Only about twenty minutes left in this dud of a movie. I'm gonna try and let it run as much as possible without pausing it now just so I can get this stupid thing over with. Wish me luck.|
|37. Up on the mountain, Samara is trying to make her way through a horrible dust storm to get to the cavern of the moon men. She finally makes it in looking all disheveled and sexy and calls to the leader of the moon men asking him to save her. The leader of the moon men actually has a name. It sounds like Radolphus or something like that. I can't quite make out what she's calling him. He tells her that she betrayed them and sends his stone men after her. She freaks and finds herself surrounded by the stone men. They grab her and then she just kinda vanishes. I don't know what happened to her, but she disappeared after they grabbed her. I assume she's dead, which is kind of a shame considering that she was the hottest woman in this movie.|
|38. Radolphus walks over and starts talking to their queen, Selena, who's still laid out on the slab. Phyllis is laid out on a slab above Selena. He tells her that at last her hour has come and then proceeds to take a knife and slices Phyllis' arm open so that it can drip blood on Selena. This is supposed to bring her back to life. There's some kind of a throbbing orb above Selena's head too but I can't quite tell what it is or what it's supposed to be doing. Much like the rest of what's going on in this movie I must say.|
|39. Outside, the people are coming up the mountain through the storm, while inside, Phyllis keeps dripping on Selena. Back outside again, we see Agar once again being a major pain in the butt as she struggles to get through the storm, but actually manages to do little more than stagger around and fall on her face. The words, worthless and dead weight come to mind right about now. Oh now she's lost them completely. A big ol group of people and she manages to lose them completely. I hope the moon men off her worthless keister before this is all over.|
|40. Hercules finds the entrance to the moon people's cavern, puts his back up against it, and starts lifting it open slowly. While he's doing this, the moon starts coming closer to the Earth as the oceans rise and lightning strikes and all kinds of other various calamities start to occur. Where's Agar during all this? Still wandering around in the dist storm and screaming at everything she sees. Isn't she helpful? Anyway, as the moon moves closer, Selena comes closer to regaining life, and Hercules makes his way into the cavern. Another funny part here too. As soon as he walks into the cavern, he walks past a moon man who throws up a hand and clocks him right upside the head, sending him flying across the cavern where he lands hard against the stone wall. Just the way it happened and the way it looked when that thing hit him was absolutely hilarious. It almost looks like rock em' sock em' robots or something the way this thing hits him. Oh man that was funny.|
|41. The stone men start advancing on him, so Hercules grabs this iron shaft and hits the stone man with it. The shaft just bends around the thing, so Hercules grabs it and lifts it up over his head. He gives the creature a toss and then turns to find about eight or ten more advancing on him. He puts his back up against the main support column of the cavern and breaks it down, bringing the whole cavern down with it on top of the stone men. I find myself wondering where the rest of the people are and why Hercules has to do all this by himself. I think I'd be pretty ticked off if I was him when I saw all those people again. Especially Agar, the woman who finally proved that it is possible to live without a brain.|
|42. Hercules rushes the cavern where Selena has just opened her eyes, only to be confronted by another group of the stone men. These things aren't very agile, in fact they're rather stiff, which you'd expect stone people to be. Hercules just dodges around them, jumps up on the platform where Radolphus is standing next to the still prone Selena. Hercules tosses him off the platform like an old bag of moldy tangerines, and then as the stone men advance, he topples the statue of Selena that was standing at the back of the platform. Fire shoots up through the floor and Selena ages very rapidly, turning old and stone-like, then into what looks like an unwrapped mummy, and then into dust. Hercules grabs Phyllis and tries to make his escape as all hell breaks loose. Finally, and I don't know how this happened, the prince and Agar both come running into the cavern at the same time, which was rather pointless considering that right after they did, the scene cuts and suddenly it's at least a day later, things are back to normal, and the prince and Phyllis are saying goodbye to Hercules who's about to ride off on his horse. He picks agar up and puts her on the horse in front of him, as though that poor horse wasn't burdened enough, and rides off into new adventures. IT'S OVER!!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE IT!!!! OH GOD THE PAIN AND THE BOREDOM IS FINALLY OVER!!!!|
"When the planet Saturn comes into conjunction with Mars, and under the evil influence of Uranus, then will occur unimaginable disasters. The oceans will rise, the mountains crumble, and inexorably our moon will draw near the Earth."
- The Head Moon Man filling Samara in on what's gonna happen when the planets align properly. - (Reviewer's Note: Yeah, that's pretty much what it's like when my anus starts exerting it's evil influence too. Usually after Mexican food.)
When prompted, enter bmovie for the username and central for the password.
Hercules Against the Moon Men
Queen Samara thinks she's gonna turn Hercules into her love slave, but Hercules is a bit too smart for her. I can personally think of far worse fates than living out the rest of my life as her love slave. Watching this movie again for one. What Hercules does here just stuck me funny so I decided to use this scene for the clip.
I seriously don't think I've ever been happier to finish a review than I am about finishing this one. This review has been a five day nightmare that I never thought would end. Why was it so bad you may ask? Well if you've been reading this review and didn't skip straight to the conclusion, you'll know why. This movie was boring! And when I say boring, I mean like shoot me in the head and put me out of my misery boring.
Let's skip to a little bit of background info for a sec before I get into why this movie was so bad. This is not a true Hercules movie. In fact, the main character is not Hercules at all, but instead it's a character named Maciste, and that's why I listed that name as well in the character section. Maciste actually means "macho man" or "male chauvinist" in French, and this character made his debut in 1914 in a movie called Cabria. What happened is that this movie came out in the United States during the Hercules craze, and any sword and sandal type movie that had a character who resembled Hercules, actually became Hercules when the film was dubbed into English just so they could take advantage of the Hercules craze of that era. This was a good marketing strategy at the time, but makes it very disappointing now when you watch a movie expecting to see the real Hercules character but instead you end up getting something less. There were a variety of characters in a variety of sword and sandal flicks that became Hercules when it came down to doing the English dub. Characters like Maciste, Samson, Ursus, and Goliath, all became Hercules during the dubbing process, and the films were re-titled before release to reflect that.
Now that the background info is out of the way, let's get to why this movie was so bad. To say this movie was boring would be an understatement. The actions scenes, what few of them there were, were all very staged looking, poorly planned out, and even more poorly acted. There was even a scene with Hercules fighting some beast in the caverns below the castle that was not only completely pointless, but it was very poorly choreographed as well and had no sense of danger or excitement to it at all. Another disappointing thing about the "Hercules" in this movie is that he did not exhibit that godlike strength that the real Hercules possesses. In fact, every time he did anything strenuous he'd end up huffing and puffing like an old man.
This character was played by Sergio Ciani who is actually credited as Alan Steel. He's got the look to be a decent Hercules, but he doesn't bring any fun to the role like Steve Reeves did. Steve Reeves always looked like he was having fun playing the role, and that made his movies a lot more enjoyable to the viewer. I have yet to see anyone take on a role like this who exhibits the sheer enjoyment for it that Steve Reeves did.
Samara was as beautiful as she was evil and was probably the best actress in this film, which isn't saying much. Her character was well balanced and more importantly, it was stable. She didn't wander in and out of character constantly like I've seen so many other characters in these movies do. That of course has to bring me to the character of Agar played by Jany Clair. She starts out the movie giving us the impression that she's tough and smart, but ends up being nothing more than a massive liability to everyone she comes into contact with. The complete lack of intelligence that she displays makes you eventually not even want to see her on the screen anymore. The rest of the characters in this movie are all more or less sub characters, none of which have a major part to play within the plot. Even Radolphus the head moon man doesn't have much of a part in this picture, and is relegated to appearing only a few times, just long enough to tell Samara what to do or to add a little continuity to the storyline when it's required.
So now I'm at the end. I enjoy reviewing goofy, cheesy movies because they give me a lot of material to work with so that I can make my reviews funny and enjoyable to the reader. This movie gave me very little to work with and was just an absolutely dreadful experience. I hope I've made up for the lack of humor in the What The Hell??? section by providing you with good character descriptions and a well written conclusion.
So now at last, as the death nell tolls for this dreadful picture, we come to the rating. It gives me the utmost pleasure to give this complete and total dud of a film...