War of the Robots

Year Of Release: 1978
Running Time: 99 Minutes
DVD Released By: Retromedia
Directed By: Alfonso Brescia
Writing Credits: Alfonso Brescia, Aldo Crudo
Filming Location: Unknown, but I assume somewhere in Italy.

Starring: Antonio Sabato (Captain John Boyd), Yanti Sommer (Julie), Malisa Longo (Lois), Patrizia Gori (Trissa Crew), Giacomo Rossi-Stuart (Roger), Roberto Bianchetti, Aldo Canti (Kuba the Alien), Enrico Gozzo, Licinia Lentini (Commander King's assistant), Frank Siedlitz (Herb Julian), Massimo Righi (Dr. Wilkes), Dino Scandiuzzi (Jack), Nicole Stoliaroff (Trissa crew), Ian Pulley (Anthorian Leader), Venantino Venantini (Paul)

Tagline 1: See! - Weird Beyond Belief!

Tagline 2: See! - Killer Androids on a Raygun Rampage

Tagline 3: See! - Mind Blowing Nonsense

Alternate Titles:
Reactor (video title)
Robots
Stratostars
War of the Robots (USA)

Interesting Bits of Trivia:
This film was made in an attempt to capitalize on the Star Wars craze of the mid to late 70's. Beginning in 1966 with the film La Ley del Colt (The Colt Is My Law), director Alfonso Brescia began to use the pseudonyms "Al Bradly" and "Al Bradley" on and off in various film credits. He most recently went by the name "Al Bradley" in his 1990 film, Sapore di Morte (Deadly Chase).

Rogue Reviewers Round Table Review: December 2004
Review Topic: "Cheese From Outer Space"




Cast of Characters

Captain John Boyd: He's psychic! Holy crap, it's no wonder he's the captain! He's got amazing psychic abilities! For instance, he knew that Kuba's name was Kuba without Kuba ever having told him what his name was! Isn't that amazing? No? You're right, it's not. In fact, it's downright stupid and shows a complete lack of continuity of script. But what else can you expect from a movie like this? Anyway, this guy's the captain of the ship. His biggest problem seems to be that he's got the hots for Lois but Julie has the hots for him. I kinda think Kuba's got the hots for him too, but this ain't that kinda party. I really have nothing more of any interest to say about him, so I'll move on...

Julie: And here's Yanti Sommer as Julie, looking even more butch than she did in War of the Planets. I don't know what the deal is with the horrible haircut she had in these movies, but if you want to see her looking incredibly pretty with her nice, normal hair, then you should see the movie Trinity is Still My Name. She was absolutely yummy in that one. Anyway, in this particular movie, she's not actually dating the captain like she was in War of the Planets. She is however carrying a torch for him and the only one standing in her way is Lois, the captain's main squeeze. I think the captain's probably holding off on making any final decisions until her hair grows back. Come to think of it, if hair is the biggest selling point, that would leave Kuba out of the running all together. Poor Kuba.
Lois: Man, what a beeotch. She supposedly loves John but then she goes over to the other side after she's supposedly kidnapped and becomes the empress of the alien enemies. Then she tries to kill everyone including John, Julie, and even Professor Carr when he no longer fit into her plans. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Who's runnin' Hell while she's up here?

Commander King: Since I had a poem in my previous review, I thought I'd throw one in here too. I'm just silly that way.

This freaky guy with the wonky eye
Commands the base from which spacemen fly
With his crazy eyebrows and whacked out hair
And the blue polyester that he loves to wear

Not a fighter, not a killer
Upon his lip a caterpillar
Sleeps and snores and dreams of trees
In a land that's made of cheese

Ok, so it's not my best work. You think it's easy to come up with this stuff all the time? Sheesh!

Kuba the Alien (Leader of the tribes of Atar): If you read my War of the Planets review or saw the movie itself, then you'll recognize this guy as yet another holdover from the previous film. He was a different character and a different color in the previous film though. He's the leader of this tribe of alien people who have been getting kidnapped by the race of blonde abba zabba dudes in the silver jumpsuits known as Anthorians. His first words to our intrepid team of rescuers is, "Can you understand? I am leader of these people." I just know Captain John was sitting there thinking to himself, "Oh sure, I could tell right away. The bald head, the missing eyebrows, the goldish color to your skin that makes you look like you haven't taken a leak years... Sure, I could tell right away you were the leader. Now if you'll excuse me, I have places to go and things to see, and quite honestly, you and your buddies all smell like pee. Hey! I'm a poet and didn't know it!"
Professor Carr: This Marty Feldman wannabe is Professor Carr. He invented some atomic reactor device thingy that was supposedly going to be able to create new life. Unfortunately for the people of Earth, he was kidnapped and taken away while his reactor was running, and no one knew how to shut it down. No shutdown = Boom!!! Get it? Anyway, for some reason, he ended up joining the enemy and I don't know if that's because Lois brainwashed him or what. He did have the hots for her and you know how guys are when they get the hots for someone.
Herb: A cheesy name for a cheesy guy. Ever heard a curly haired Italian guy trying to talk with a Texas accent? Sound ridiculous? Well believe me, it's a lot more ridiculous sounding than I could ever possibly describe. Anyway, he was in War of the Planets, as were many of the people in this movie. Even though the movies look the same, they're not related at all, so he actually plays a totally different character in this one. Not that it matters since he's not really a central character anyway, but I thought I'd throw him in here just because he's so damn cheesy.



Screen Shots

Let's see, you had meatloaf, some french bread, and a baked potato with sour cream and chives. Oh, and some corn too! Can't tell if it was on the cob or not, but I'm sure it'll be back on the cob when it comes out.

All this technology and they can't make a decent push up bra? I was actually going to say more about her saggy dumplings, but for some reason, the little guy at the bottom right just caught my eye. He kinda looks like the butt end of a pencil to me. Dunno why he caught my eye all of a sudden when there's saggy dumplins afoot, but I just thought I'd mention it.

"Hey! How do they know our language?!?!?"

Oh wait, he said that in the last movie, War of the Planets. Oh my god, I've started having crappy movie flashbacks. Somebody please make it stop!!!

Here's a perfect example of what happens when a company can't be bothered to master a DVD in the film's original aspect ratio. In this case, the movie was probably originally shot in a 2:35:1 aspect ratio, which for those of you who don't know is basically really wide widescreen. As you can see from this example, Retromedia mastered this in full screen and made no effort to do any pan and scan at all. There are scenes with the tops of people's heads cut off, weird looking close ups, people hangin' off the edge of the screen and more. It's just ridiculous. If a company is going to do a DVD release, then they should at least make the effort to do it right. Even if it is a cheap movie, it deserves better treatment than this.

Were this DVD mastered right, you'd get to see more of this alien. Unfortunately, since it's not, this is all the you get. I'm not really sure what this alien guy looks like, but I'll tell you somethin'. If I saw something like this creepin' around in the garden, I'd step on it.

And here we have your typical Anthorian guard, or as I like to call them, abba zabbas. Why do I like to call them that? I dunno, but when I look at them the words abba zabba pop into my head, so that's what I call them. Something else that pops into my head when I look at them is that those wigs they're wearing look like some kind of a new age mop without a stick. Oh, and Ovaltine. That pops into my head too. Rich chocolaty Ovaltine. It's got more nutrients than Nesquick powder, and all the hip kids come a runnin' when mom's mixin' up a nice tall glass of that rich chocolaty goodness. I can see it now. He come's runnin' in the house and says, "Oh boy! Ovaltine!" and she says, "Now Billy, no Ovaltine for you until you take that wig off and wash all that makeup off your face," and he'd be like, "Awww shucks mom!" and she'd be like, "Now Billy that's enough! You go clean up or no Ovaltine!" and he'd get all sad and shuffle off to the bathroom to get cleaned up. Poor mop headed Billy. All the kids make fun of him you know because he has a mop head. It's really hard on him. In fact, I get all teary just thinking about how all those vicious little brats tease him so mercilessly. No really, I do! See, there's one now. Oh, wait. That was an eye booger. I thought it was a tear...but, um...hmmmm. Let's move on.

"Hey guys look! I used this alien doohickey to hack into Paris Hilton's cell phone so we could get all the phone numbers and addresses of her celebrity friends! Hey look! Here's one with a note that says coke dealer! Awesome, let's call him up. I could sure use a drink right about now."

I dunno what the hell this is, but I want one!

"Duuuhhh..."




Best Quotes

Captain Boyd: "So, you've got a plan. Perhaps you're planning to murder everybody!"

- Captain John confronting the evil Lois after she takes over control of his ship with her mop headed robots. - (Reviewer's Note: OH PLEASE! Please Lois, kill everybody so this movie can finally be over.)

 


 

Lois: "We are ready to attack them. General Gonad will take the majority of the enemy spaceships flying in his own formation so then we can attack them on the weak side."

- Lois giving the abba zabbas orders to attack Captain John and the boys. - (Reviewer's Note: Oh my god, hahahaha!!! General Gonad!!!)




Video Clip
When prompted, enter bmovie for the username and central for the password.

War of the Robots
The gang gets attacked by a whole lotta abba zabbas, and you'll see some sword fighting that you may recognize from another more famous movie. I don't wanna say they ripped anything off but...yeah, what the hell. I'll say it. They totally ripped it off!



Summary and Conclusion

Oh my god what an ordeal that was! This is one of those movies where you can't bring yourself to watch the whole thing all at once. You get antsy while you're watching it and end up stopping it to go do other things, only to return to it later to start the whole cycle all over again. I don't know. Maybe the fact that I'm getting screenshots and trying to write stuff while I'm watching it has a lot to do with it, but I can't tell you how many times I stopped this thing and went and did other stuff for a while during this review.


So, where to begin? Well, this movie is basically War of the Planets with a different story. Several of the actors have returned with different character names, but they're basically the same people they were in the earlier movie. The space ship and all it's interior props were recycled, the space walk scene was recycled at least three times and the alien command center was recycled from the previous movie as well. I don't want to give the impression that it was 100% recycled though, because it wasn't. There was in fact some new stuff in here as well. The light swords for instance. I mean, sure they were a blatant rip off of the light sabers in Star Wars, but at least they weren't recycled from War of the Planets. Then there were the nifty space fighters and their nifty cockpits that basically had nothing in them except a dork in a helmet and a flight stick. Oh, and I can't forget the wigs. The felt skull caps from the previous movie were replaced by either blonde mop wigs or nothing at all. At least most of the story was original. That's probably the most important thing.


Basically, the story is simple. Professor Carr has invented this atomic reactor thing that will supposedly create new life. The Anthorians are a race of people who had been working toward achieving immortality, but in the process, messed themselves up really bad. Now they needed Professor Carr and his research in order to survive and rejuvenate their race. All that's left of them really is a bunch of pruny old farts and a whole bunch of robots that look like they should be singing backup in an ABBA concert, so they're really desperate.


Now here's where things get a little confusing. The mop headed abba zabba robots come and kidnap Lois and Professor Carr, and a rescue mission from Earth goes after them. The problem is, Professor Carr left his reactor running and it's going to explode unless they can get either him back to shut it down, or get their hands on his formulas so they can shut it down themselves. Well when they finally track them down, Professor Carr and Lois are both working for the Anthorians, and it turns out that Lois is actually their empress. I think Professor Carr may have been under some kind of control, but I'm not sure. Anyway, the rest of the story is pretty convoluted and unimportant, but in the end, Julie gets together with John, they shut down the reactor, Lois ends up blown to bits, and all is right with the universe. Big freakin' deal.


The acting, as with the previous film, was basically cheesy and horrible. One of the funniest things, even though it didn't really have much to do with the acting, was the footsteps. Anytime there were people running around or even just walking around, there were these really loud and pronounced footsteps dubbed in. It's one of those things that once you notice it the first time, you notice it every time. I got this mental image of a bunch of guys in tap shoes stomping around on a hardwood floor with a guy on his hands and knees holding a microphone by their feet while the director was sitting off to the side going, "Just-a-pretend you're stompin' the grapes youse guys." It was stupid, but it was funny too, so that made it ok.


The special effects were absolutely pathetic. The only things that were semi cool were the light swords. The laser pistols had no visible shot effects at all. The end of the barrel just lit up and sometimes you'd hear a noise. Notice I said sometimes. There were a lot of times where there was no sound at all. Someone would point a gun at someone and then suddenly the guy they were pointing it at would just drop like he'd been shot. That's how cheap this movie is.


But what about entertainment value? Despite all the shortcomings any film may have, it all really just comes down to one thing. Did it entertain you? In this case, I'd have to say yes, but only because it was stupid and I happen to find really stupid, cheeseball movies entertaining. This movie falls into the "so bad it's funny" category, and there's a whole lot to laugh at all the way through it. It's also the kind of movie that would be a lot more fun to watch with a friend than it would be to watch it alone just so you can crack jokes all the way through it. So yes, despite any impression I might have given earlier in the review, I actually did enjoy this movie. Whereas the previous film War of the Planets got a Bat rating, this film was considerably more enjoyable, and managed to tap dance its way all the way up to...

B-Movie Central's Rating: 2½ Bees

Purchase this film from Amazon:

This link is for the 2 Disc Italian Science Fiction Collection,
which includes this film and War of the Robots.

This film is not available
through Movies Unlimited.

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