| What The Hell??? |
| 1. Ok the first scene in this movie is just nasty. Copper miners, drilling down into the earth, bring their drill up and find that there's blood on the end of it. After moving the end of the drill over into a wheelbarrow, they take a hammer and knock this big, huge slab of meat out of the ridges on the drill. The guy says it's a big piece of skin, like leather. It looks more like a big slab of bloodied up raw liver or something similar. Obviously this guy's a vegetarian if he can't even tell the difference between a piece of skin and a slab of meat. Damn vegans. Somebody get this guy a hamburger quick! |
2. Oh damn, there's a hell of a lot more in the drill than meat. There's bones too. No wonder Reptilicus is so pissed off. That must have seriously hurt. I hope he comes above ground and eats these guys soon so they can be replaced with some people who can actually act. |
| 3. Uh oh, the meat in the wheelbarrow is moving! It's alive!!! Ever notice how when a slab of meat is alive in one of these movies, it never moves until everyone walks away? |
| 4. Some scientists and a reporter join the miners within hours after the find. They sit around the campfire and discuss what the creature could be. They then decide to take the creature back to Copenhagen for study. Yeah, that's smart. |
| 5. I've just discovered that Danish chicks look pretty hot even when they're in lab coats. |
| 6. Svend is coming in at the airport with a bunch more bones they found near the original ones. |
| 7. After the two scientists show Svend the specimens and tell him about the creature, Dr. Martens' daughters come and steal Svend away. They both escort him out of the lab, each one holding an arm. They're totally both trying to get him. Man, if this is what Danish girls are like, then I definitely gotta go to Denmark someday. |
| 8. The two Dr's just brought in this guy named Petersen to act as a security guard and to keep an eye on things in the lab. When I say security guard, I don't mean a real security guard though. This guy is just some rube from the farm in bib overalls who looks like he's got just enough IQ points to keep him breathing. |
| 9. Dr. Dalby shows this security dork they hired the freezing chamber where they're storing part of the beast they've discovered. He makes it a point to show the guy the thermometer on the front of the chamber and he tells him that it's not to drop below a certain temperature. Gee I wonder what's going to happen to the temperature in the chamber? Even a dumb blonde could see what's coming next. |
| 10. Gee, guess what's next. Dr. Dalby goes into the lab in the middle of the night and cuts a small sample of tissue off the tail section of the creature that's in the freezer. The flesh on that thing sure is flexible for a piece of meat that's supposed to be frozen. Too bad he didn't latch the door to the freezer good when he walked out. Too bad the temperature in the freezer rose and the tail thawed out and started dripping blood and icky stuff all over the freezer floor. Too bad Dalby told the dorky security guard that he didn't have to hang around because he planned to be working in the lab all night. Man, this was a crappy night for good ol' Dr. Dalby. It's a good thing he slept through most of it. |
| 11. Dr. Martens is all ticked off when he finds out that Dr. Dalby let the tail thaw out. His daughter Lise notices that the wound on the tail is healing and then Dr. Martens examines it and realizes that the tissue has come back to life. Now I don't know about him, but that would scare the crap out of me. I'd crank that freezer up big time and re-freeze the damn thing. |
| 12. In the next scene we see Dr. Martens talking to Connie Miller, a visiting scientist who's come to study the tail section of the creature. She also happens to be an attractive woman. While he's talking to her, his daughter Lise is standing there listening and totally checkin' out Connie. I mean checkin' her out big time. I knew Danish girls were cool. |
| 13. An American general comes in and introduces himself. This guy's a dork, and he's rude as well. Why do the generals in these movies always have to act like this? |
| 14. Just once in these movies I'd like the scientists in these movies to actually tell us what's in all the damn beakers all over their labs. There's always all kinds of colored liquids in them but they never say what it is. |
| 15. After sticking his hand in a tank with an electric eel and getting himself electrocuted, like the dork that he is, he hears something in the regeneration chamber and freaks out. He hits the alarm and everyone comes running. Turns out it was just an involuntary muscle contraction in the regenerating tail and nothing more. |
| 16. The general is sitting around the office being a pissy old bastard, as generals in these movies usually do, when the young Danish captain comes in and suggests that he might cheer up if he goes into the city and has a look around. So what does he do? He grabs Connie and heads out on a whirlwind tour of the city. Suddenly he's Mr. Cool driving Connie around in his little red convertible. He must have been keeping his good personality in the trunk of his car too because he pulled it out for the drive through town. He was happy and charming and having a good ol' time. Maybe he should make this his primary personality and keep the other one in the trunk. I think he'd be a lot happier. He also becomes Mr. Tour guide as well as we suddenly find out that he's an expert on Denmark, it's landmarks, it's history, and it's culture. Oh man this whole scene is seriously out of character for him. Whoever wrote this oughta be smacked for having him break character this severely. |
| 17. Ok that's enough tourist footage of Denmark now thank you. |
| 18. So after inviting the captain along with them for dinner, they finally sit down in a restaurant called Tivoli. We're then treated to a really bad singer chick singing a stupid song about Tivoli Nights. I mean seriously, she's a horrible singer and not much to look at either. What the hell did any of this have to do with the rest of the movie? |
| 19. Back to the lab now. We find Dr. Dalby working late again. We're also treated to a really fake looking thunder and lightning storm. This is the part where the lights go out and the monster, now fully regenerated, escapes from his confinement. Oh, and did I mention the phones are out as well, so Dalby can't even call for help. Fortunately he has Petersen there to send for help. So how does he go for help? He's got a bicycle outside. |
| 20. So the monster has now escaped and is bigger than the laboratory. Apparently he was a bit peckish after all that regenerating and had Dr. Dalby for a late night snack. |
| 21. Man, Lise wears some really cute dresses. There's something so fetish about the dresses she wears. |
| 22. Now that the monster's escaped, the general sets up a search coordination center and organizes everything. Now here's my question. Why??? How the hell hard could it be to find a prehistoric creature who's bigger than a friggin' science lab wandering around Copenhagen??? |
| 23. Well, that didn't take long. Someone called in and reported seeing the creature at a small farm on the coast. He ate a cow and left it's bloody head on the ground. Actually, the farmer's saying now that he ate fourteen cows, not just one. Damn, now that's some seriously mean hunger. Not like a fat woman at a chinese buffet, but still pretty damn serious. I wonder if Reptilicus asked the farmer for any Grey Poupon? |
| 24. Um, Svend's driving the general's jeep for him. Where the hell did he come from all of a sudden? I guess he finally recovered from what Dr. Martens daughters did to him. I wonder if they took any pictures? I know the midget in the clown suit sitting in the corner had to have had a camera. Midgets always have cameras. Sometimes they have Polaroids even. The more talented ones can even make charcoal sketches. Ummmm, nevermind. I'll just move on now. |
| 25. Finally at forty one minutes and ten seconds into the movie we get a good look at the monster. We even get to see a cheeseball, fake looking, animated puke shot coming out of his mouth. I don't know what the point of that was really though considering that they didn't even show where the puke went. |
| 26. Hahahahaha. Now there's an effect you don't see every day. Reptilicus busts into this farmhouse and picks the farmer up in his mouth and starts eating him. Except the effect of the farmer in his mouth looks more like a colorform character placed over the movie footage. It's hilarious. |
| 27. The monster just puked more of that fake looking animated puke all over the farmyard. |
28. Ok they're shooting it with a flamethrower now and it's screaming like a little bitch and puking green goop all over the place. I hope the army guys brought a big mop with them. |
| 29. Now that he's crawled off into the ocean, they got the navy out looking for him. They find him on the ocean floor and start dropping depth charges all over the place. Why is it that Dr. Martens and Connie neglected to tell the general all this time that if they blow up the creature into little pieces, that it'll grow into a whole bunch of little Reptilicus monsters. Unfortunately, Dr. Martens went out to warn them, but had a heart attack on the way. |
| 30. I was just wondering where the hell Karen's been all this time. Lise's getting all this face time in this movie, and poor Karen hasn't had hardly any. Karen's at the hospital with their father and Connie and Lise go there as well but they never go to a scene there. Karen still isn't getting any face time, poor kid. |
| 31. Reptilicus returns and leaves a trail of destruction throughout the seas. Ships are destroyed all over the place, but there's no actual sightings until he comes up on a beach full of teenagers and pukes green animated puke all over them. The Danish have a lot to learn from the Japanese about making cheap monster movies. |
| 32. Reptilicus comes and attacks the city and we're treated to a couple of scenes of people running for their lives. If you watch the young guy in front, a little to the left, he's smiling as he's running. He must be the brother of the slave chick who was smiling in At The Earth's Core when Doug McClure got knocked back into her by the big hippo beast. |
| 33. Now they're shooting at him and we're treated to more puke and more people running. Reptilicus has tiny little flipper baby arms and he's meandering through the city destroying stuff. I think the military is doing far more damage to the city than the monster ever could. |
| 34. Oh look! More people running and more green puke. Wow, I could watch these people running all night. Oh wait, that's what I'm doing. I wish the monster would just puke acid slime on these people and get it over with. |
| 35. The running people reach a drawbridge just as the freaked out drawbridge operator raises it. Do the people stop when they see the drawbridge raised? Well some do. Unfortunately however, a whole bunch of people at the front of the crowd ran right of the edge and dropped into the water like a bunch of lemmings. |
| 36. Why are they shooting at this thing? Don't they realize that even if they knock off a chunk of meat that it's going to grow into a whole other monster? Idiots. The general is still talking about driving him out of the city so they can hit him with the heavy stuff. Is this guy really that brain dead? |
| 37. Seriously, there would have been a lot less destruction if they had just let it wander through the city and then leave on it's own. They're blowin' up the whole damn place. |
| 38. Well Karen finally came in with her father for about a minute and a half. Then he had chest pains again and she left with him. I bet she got paid about a buck ninety-eight for her performance in this movie. She sure as hell isn't in it very much. |
| 39. Drugs are bad, Mmmkay. At least they're gonna be bad for Reptilicus, 'cause that's what they're gonna use to bring him down. Just as a side note, I'm getting really sick of these scenes of the people of the city running away. They way overdid it with these scenes, even moreso than they did with the tourist scenes earlier. |
| 40. I just noticed that these army guys don't have any of the neat little toy jets like the Japanese people got. You know, the one's they shoot at Godzilla with. |
| 41. So the general shoots the drug into Reptilicus' mouth with a bazooka and Reptilicus passes out. That's a damn good shot when you consider he's shooting it with a bazooka into the mouth of a monster that's moving around all over the place. |
| 42. Now the movie's over and we're treated to one last scene of an arm they blew off he creature while it was in the ocean, regenerating and growing. I don't think they ever made a movie called Son of Reptilicus though. |
