The Giant Spider Invasion

Year Of Production: 1975
Running Time: 84 Minutes
DVD Released By: Retromedia Entertainment Inc.
Directed By: Bill Rebane
Writing Credits: Robert Easton, Richard L. Huff
Filming Location: Gleason, Wisconsin, Lincoln County, Wisconsin, Merrill, Wisconsin, Nicolett College, Rhinelander, Wisconsin, University of Wisconsin, Stevens Point, Wisconsin

Starring: Steve Brodie, Barbara Hale, Alan Hale Jr., Robert Easton, Leslie Parrish, Christiane Schmidtmer, Kevin Brodie, Diane Lee Hart, Bill Williams

Tagline: Creeping!...Crawling!...Crushing!

Alternate Titles:
I was unable to find any reference to alternate titles for this film.

Interesting Bits of Trivia:
Alan Hale Jr., best know for his role as The Skipper on the television show Gilligan's Island, actually had a film career that far surpassed his wide ranging television career. He appeared in one hundred and seven movies between 1933 and 1987. Alan, in addition to acting, had other business interests, which included a restaraunt and a travel agency. Alan Hale Jr. died on January 2, 1990 from respiratory failure due to cancer.

Cast Of Characters
Sheriff Jeff Jones: Hey little buddy! Yes that's actually one of the first things Alan Hale says in this movie. That should have given me some kind of an indication of what the hell I was in for with this movie. This is the sheriff. He's never called by his actual full name in this movie. Everyone just calls him sheriff. He's a jolly fellow with a good sense of humor and a taste for prunes.

Dave Perkins: Dave's father runs the local newspaper. We never get to see Dave's father, but Dave's always out looking for a scoop. That is, when he's not lusting after Ev Kester and her younger sister Terry. At least he's a smart kid and handles himself well in a crisis.

Terry Kester: She's Ev's younger sister by about five years and a little country cutie. She's pretty much worthless except as a plaything for Dave. She spends much of the time she's in this movie running around in skimpy clothing. There's a big list of guys in this flick that have the hots for her.

Ev Kester: She's Terry's sister and a total alcoholic. She's also completely and stunningly beautiful and has no business being married to a hillbilly loser like Dan. She's got the hots for Danny, but since he's dating Terry and she's married to Dan the Caveman Kester, there's not much left for her to do but drink herself to death. Unfortunately, she's the first of the main characters to bite it in this film.

Dan Kester: Let's see. I can count this guy's good qualities on a hand with no fingers. He's jerky, stupid, abusive, lecherous, filthy, stinky, and disgusting. He also has a bad back and wears a back brace all the time. I'm not sure what that's about and it's never really explained. He's cheating on Ev with a waitress named Helga. Now look at the woman he's married to, and then think about him cheating on her. That should pretty much tell you what a moron this guy is.

Dr. J.R. Vance: This guy is supposed to be a NASA scientist, but I just like to refer to him as Bumbling Idiot #1. He's not only a dimwit, but he spends more time screwing around in this movie than he does anything else. He's also clumsy, and takes a couple of good spills. Every time I look at this screenshot of him, I can't help but think that he looks like Ron Jeremy's father.

Dr. Jenny Langer: And here we have Bumbling Idiot #2. She's supposed to be some kind of an astro physicist or something, but she's about as worthless as Dr. Vance. She spends all her time looking at readings on various things, talking a lot of scientific mumbo jumbo, and otherwise being pretty useless. One good thing I can say about her is that she's only about half as clumsy and dimwitted as Dr. Vance.

The Plot

Some sort of a meteor shoots out of the Crab Nebula and makes it's way to Earth, where it lands in the back pasture of a family of hillbillies. A giant spider emerges and starts laying rock like eggs all over the place from which hatch a bunch of creepy tarantulas. Now it's up to a NASA scientist and an astro physicist to figure out a way to destroy the monster before it and it's children manage to ravage the whole countryside. There's hillbillies, and bumpkin sheriffs, a teenage reporter, and a whole town full of drunken lumberjacks facing off against The Giant Spider Invasion. Who will win the final battle? Let's read on and see...

What The Hell???
1. Oh great. I don't know why Retromedia does this crap. This movie is hosted by "Son of Ghoul". Not only did they put in this insanely stupid, pathetically improvised introduction by this idiot, but then they had to bring in some stupid little dwarf with a dandruff problem. "Son of Ghoul" starts raggin' on him about the dandruff and then they end up at some do it yourself car wash where "Son of Ghoul" starts scrubbin' the dwarf's head with a car wash brush and then hoses him off afterwards with a spray wand. You want spray wax with that? Why the hell couldn't they just put out the damn movie instead of taggin' this load of crap onto the front of it. Man, if I'd have had to watch even one more second of that inane crap, it'd have been bitch slappin' and dwarf tossin' time. Hey Retromedia, get a clue here. We bought the movie because we wanted to watch the movie. We didn't buy it to watch you guys act like idiots on the front end of it. Now, with that said, the movie finally gets started and my blood pressure goes down significantly.

2. The opening credits of this movie play over a still shot of the crab nebula. Some creepy 70's sounding synth music is playing in the background. One note about these credits. They look like the kind of credits you'd see in a late 60's sci-fi television show. The credits finish up now and we see this glowing comet-like object with a long streaming tail come shooting out of the nebula and off the screen. As I'm looking at this thing, the only thing I can think to myself is, "Hey, that looks like a glowing wee wee!" I swear it does. The head of this thing...well, never mind. You get the point.

3. Right to the sheriff's office now where we see Alan Hale Jr. sitting behind the desk as the sheriff. You know who he is. He's the guy who played the Skipper on Gilligan's Island. Ok so he's sitting there right. This younger dude pokes his head in the door and says, "sheriff!" So what do you suppose the sheriff says back to him? He says, "Hi little buddy!" Gee, go figure. Man I love cheese. Cheesy movies make my world go 'round.

4. The young guy who just came in is named David. He came to see if the sheriff had a scoop for him for the paper. The sheriff's all telling him that it's been pretty quiet and that he's got everything under control. Somehow I have a sneaking suspicion that that's all gonna change once that wee wee shaped comet hits the Earth. Anyway, David says that there's nothing goin' on in this neck of the woods except the revival over at the Gleason Town Hall. He asks the sheriff if he's goin' and the sheriff says no and asks him if he's goin' and he says no because he's got a date with some girl named Terry. Now, I don't know about any of you, but every time I hear the word revival in relation to some revival event, it sounds to me like some ceremony or something where you raise zombies from the dead. But that's just me... Anyway, they start talking about how Terry's brother-in-law Dan is a total jerk and how David shouldn't cross him because he's a freak.

5. Now in this next scene I think we're taken to Terry's house. It's a real hillbilly lookin' job, and Dan is just walking out the door with Terry behind him. She asks him where he's goin' and he tells her that he's goin' to the revival. Then she says that he needs it and lays that great quote on him from my best quote section below. I totally laughed when she said it too because it totally sounded like something you'd say to a hillbilly.

6. We're at the revival now and some preacher is yelling hallelujah and talking about how the revival is going to grow and grow for the next four days. Then we see the giant space wee wee heading towards the Earth again. Now David is at Terry's house. That lady, who I just found out isn't Terry, but is actually named Ev, is sitting on the front porch drinkin' some shine. I don't know what she's drinking actually, but it just seemed to suit the look of the scene. I guess she's that stupid hillbilly's wife. Why do stupid, ugly hillbillies get all the hot women? Anyway, so this hot hillbilly chick is all lit on the front porch and David comes up and sits down opposite her. He's telling her that her and Terry don't look much alike for sisters, but that good looks sure do run in the family. She tells him that it's a shame there's such a difference in their ages and that if he was five years older...she'd jump him. Man, I'd be on her so fast she wouldn't knew what hit her. She's way hot. Forget the age difference. I mean, there was about a fifteen year age difference between the parents on leave it to beaver, and they got along ok. Unfortunately for David though, the moment is spoiled when Terry comes walking out the door. David jumps up and tells Terry she looks great and then they leave.

7. Back in the sheriff's office now, we see the sheriff kicked back in his chair reading a book. The book is called Flying Saucers Want You. I wonder if there's any foreshadowing in that title? The phone rings now and the sheriff is taking a report from some lady who wants to make a disturbing the peace complaint. He says that's an arrestable offense but then says that it doesn't apply to preaching. My question here is, why the hell not? This preacher that we cut to again in the next scene is a total psycho and he's yelling up a storm. He should be arrested for disturbing the peace. He's yelling at the people at the revival about fire and brimstone and what not. Hey, uh...preacher man. Why don't you go tell all that crap to someone who gives a damn. I believe there's a brick wall over to your left that would be quite interested in hearing what you have to say.

8. Back at Terry's house, Ev is on the phone with Dutch the barkeep asking him to bring her some booze because she ran out and she's gettin' the DT's. She says that when they get there, she'll be real appreciative. I'll let you all decide for yourselves what that means.

9. Terry and David have parked in the car now at some remote area and are now making out. Dan Kester, Ev's husband, is now coming out of some lady's house talking about how he likes that old time religion and how he can't wait to get saved again tomorrow night. She reminds him to put on his back brace before he goes home as well. Um, you know somethin' folks. I don't think he was at the revival at all! In fact, I think he was hangin' out with this chick who doesn't even come close to looking as good as his wife, just so they could play dueling bedsprings all night! What a moron!
10. After a quick shot of the preacher and the space wee wee we come back to Terry's house. Dan comes driving up and Ev asks him how it was and then says she knows he didn't go to the revival and starts to confront him just as the wee wee comet finally comes down and hits the Earth. Unfortunately for them, it looks like it came down somewhere in their back forty. I guess that's one way to get rid of the gophers. So we're treated to all kinds of psychedelic lighting effects and there's a strong wind blowin' now. Terry and David know something's wrong and they try to get away but the car wont start. The wind keeps getting stronger. Some dude on a motorcycle just took a dump in the dirt and then his bike exploded and lit the bushes on fire. Now a friend of mine gave me a joke to use for this scene, but since it wasn't funny, I won't be using it. I do find myself wondering however why this guy's bike just exploded. I mean I used to ride a motorcycle and I dumped it many times a lot harder than this guy just did, and mine never exploded. Must have been a woman riding the bike. That would explain it.
11. For some unexplained reason, the motorcycle guy took off runnin' after he dumped his bike. In fact, for some stupid reason, he went runnin off through the woods. In fact, he just bit it in the dark woods when something that made a weird noise killed him. Unfortunately, the scene is so completely and utterly dark, that visibility is not an option. He was either attacked by the giant space wee wee or one of them big spiders they talk about in the title. I think the space wee wee is more likely since I haven't seen any spiders yet.

12. Back to Dan and Ev now. She's kinda freakin' out about what they just saw. Dan doesn't seem overly concerned and says he's going in to bed because that revival done took it out of him. Somehow, I think waking up in the morning could take it out of this stupid rube. Man Ev's hot. This guy is a total schmuck if he doesn't appreciate having a woman that looks like that.

13. All kinds of shots of military command now and radar systems and a bomber and all kinds of military type goodies. Not sure what that was about, but we're back in the sheriff's office now and he's readin' that book again. Must be a quiet town. Anyway, he get's a call from someone who says their radio don't work and their car won't start. He tells the lady to call the radio repair guy and the car repair guy in the morning. Then she asks him if he has the numbers and he tells her to look in the yellow pages and let her fingers do the walking. She hangs up on him, so he says, and I'm not making this up, "Hmmm. I wonder why she hung up on me." I'm starting to think that if you combined the brain power of everyone in this town, you might have just barely enough mental agility to tie your shoe.

14. Man this movie jumps around a lot. We're in Terry's house now. Dan just came into the kitchen with his shotgun and found Terry. She just walked home since they couldn't get the car started. He gives her a bunch of crap about Dave and then says he should put her over his knee and spank her. She says she always wondered why he spanked her so much. It's just so he could get his jollies. She bails out of the kitchen at that point and he get's all ticked off and goes back to eating his chicken or whatever the hell it is he's eatin'. He's still wearin' that back brace too. Not sure what the hell that's about. Guess it's to hold his belly up.

15. And now we jump to something totally different again. Some lady in a lab talking about gamma radiation. Now more people. Some guy telling his hanging plant that it's gorgeous. Man what the hell's going on here. Now some other guy's walking into the plant talking guy's office. The plant talking guy is named Dr. J.R. Vance. The other guy is telling him about the strange readings that scientist lady just reported in. The guy reading the report to Dr. Vance is Paul Rider. Dr. Vance is going to Wisconsin where the strange readings are originating from. Confused yet? So am I.

16. Now Paul's calling Dr. Vance at six in the morning. There's a serious continuity issue during this conversation. The guy who called Vance is the same Paul that was sitting in his office talking to him. But during the phone conversation, he calls him Dave. I mean, I realize it's six in the morning and all, but jeez... Anyway, some ore freighter in the middle of Lake Superior spotted a plane crash and they think it's the bomber that crashed that we didn't see crash earlier.

17. Back to Dan's house now where He's eating breakfast and Ev's bitching at him, asking him when he's going to get off his lazy butt and go out and see what came down in the pasture last night. She's popping herself a beer while she's nagging him by the way. He says that he's eatin' breakfast and that he needs to keep his strength up. She asks him for what, but we all know that she already knows the answer to that one. Maybe if she'd just dump the stupid hillbilly, she wouldn't have to drink so much just to make it through the day.

18. Now we go to the planetarium, where Dr. Vance is introducing himself to Dr. Jenny Langer. She works at the observatory. He's all telling her that he has an appointment with her father. She says her father died in 1952. Then he says that the appointment must be with her husband then. She said she's not married. So then he says that his appointment must be with her brother. She tells him that her brother is an interior decorator in Osh Kosh and that his appointment is actually with her. Now although this was funny, if I was her, I'd have bitch slapped this guy into the middle of next week. What a jerk. Just because women can't drive mini-vans, he automatically assumes that they can't be astronomers either. So they're walking and they're talking and now she's telling him about all the readings she found. He tells her that the government is worried about it too. So blah blah blah... I'm not gonna get into all this chit chat here since there's nothing important being said. She's getting today's readings now and showing them to Dr. Vance. This was a long drawn out pointless scene that really was just totally unnecessary. I'm starting to get bored. I better see a big freakin' ugly spider soon or I'm gonna have to hurt somebody! I mean jeez, we're twenty-two minutes into the movie now and I haven't seen anything even remotely cool except a giant space wee wee.
19. So now we go back to Dan and Ev walking through the countryside in the hills behind their house. They don't see anything right away, so naturally Dan just jumps on that and he's all telling Ev that she was worried for nothin' and there's nothing out here. She starts raggin' on him about how ever since he's been runnin' the place, everything's gone wrong. Just then, she trips and falls over backwards and lands right next to something. Now I haven't got a clue what it is, because it's not really shaped like anything recognizable and the video quality makes it difficult to make out what it is. Whatever it is, it must be dead, 'cause there's flies buzzing all around it. Anyway, she starts screamin' and then we go to the next scene. Whoopie. Can you feel the excitement? I sure as hell can't.
20. Now we go back to the two doctors talking again. More unimportant chatter, and then we go back to Dan and Ev. They've been finding dead and mutilated cattle. Ev's whining about how much that's gonna cost them and then Dan says that it won't cost them anything because he's going to butcher up the rest of the meat and sell it Dutch like he always does. Now that's just sick. Remind me not to have a burger in this town. Back to the doctors now for more inane scientific chatter. They're grabbing a geiger counter and then going to find the sheriff.

21. Back to Dan and Ev now. They're finding more dead cattle and now they're finding these big round rocks that look like coconuts. They're finding them all around this crater in the ground. Naturally, since they never seen rocks like these before, they gotta take a couple back to the house so they can crack one open. What do you wanna bet it's not a rock at all, but an egg.

22. Woo Hoo! Finally we get something different. The sheriff walks into the local bar and sits down. He says hi to Helga the barmaid and says that she looks bright eyed and bushy tailed and that she must have had a heavy date last night. Yeah I guess so if you consider some smelly, moronic hillbilly with a beard like a billy goat a hot date. The sheriff tells the barkeep he's got that limburger cheese smile on his face this morning and asks him if he had trouble with some of the loggers the night before. Then they bitch back and forth about the preacher a bit and Helga brings the sheriff out his breakfast. A jovial scene, but nothing really interesting happened except that we found out that one chick's name is Helga. Big deal.

23. Hey something interesting is finally happening. Dan's got the coconut looking rock on the kitchen table trying to cut it open with a hacksaw. It's not working though. Why the hell would you try to cut it open with a hacksaw anyway? Just bust it open with a hammer or something. Oddly enough, just as I unpaused the movie again, he sends Ev for a hammer. She brings him one and he says, "Not that one, the big one." Man this guy is never satisfied. So he whacks it with a hammer and a chisel a few times and finally it rolls off the table. As it hits the floor it splits open and a tarantula comes rolling out of it. Naturally neither of them was watching when that happened. So by the time they finally do look, the spider has crawled away. They pick up the rock and notice that there's a big diamond in it. Wow guys, it's treats! So Dan wants to whack the diamond with the hammer to see if it's a diamond, but Ev stops him and reminds him that diamonds are supposed to cut glass. So he walks over to the window and scratches it all up with the diamond. What a brain child this guy is. Heaven forbid they just take it to a jeweler and find out if it's a real diamond or not. No, it's way better to scratch up the windows now isn't it? Idiot.
24. The two doctors found the sheriff and join him at his table. After some witty banter involving geiger counters and prunes, we go back to Dan and Ev's house where they now have a large collection of diamonds sitting on the table. Now how are they getting all these diamonds out of these rocks without finding the spiders. Ev's totally sucking up to him now because she thinks they're gonna be rich. He's all telling her that the farm is his and everything on it is his. Um, didn't he get that farm from her father when they got married? What a complete and total scumbag. She's also telling him that things can go back to the way they were...before the baby died. Man, what the hell is this? A soap opera? There's like one stupid thing after another in this movie.
25. Back to the bar now. David just came in and asked to join the sheriff and two doctors at their table. He meets Dr. Vance and asks him what brings him here. Dr. Vance takes him off to the side and talks to him privately. He asks him about whatever and then they come back to the table and start talking about what happened last night. So why'd he take him aside if they were just gonna come back to the table and talk about it anyway?
26. Back at Dan and Ev's, he comes walking back in and she's hitting the vodka again. He hassles her about it and she tells him to leave her alone because the place is full of spiders. Big hairy ones. He tells her they must be pink spiders and that if she would just lay off the booze she'd stop seeing them. He then goes out looking for more of those rocks and finds the body of the motorcycle guy. It's half eaten and it's been decomposing for a while. He freaks out and buries it. Then he goes back to the house and tells Ev what he found. She just blended up a bloody mary in the blender with a spider in it that she didn't notice. They go back and forth almost drinking it and then finally she takes a drink and spews it out. Ick...
27. So Dan goes back out and looks for more rocks. A spider hatches out of one of them and climbs up his leg. He knocks it off and kills it and as he's walking away, it starts smoking. Now the weird part is, he went straight from there to Helga's place for some more nookie. Back at their house though, Ev is looking gorgeous in just a long shirt and panties. Excuse me while I drool all over myself. Unfortunately there's a spider creeping up the bed. I sure hope she doesn't die here. She's about the only nice thing to look at in this movie. Come on baby, get up! Don't let the spider get you! Oh good, she got up. No wait! She went over and opened a drawer in her dresser and a giant spider tried to jump out and get her. She fights it off. She runs! She runs into more spider webs and screams! She runs out of the house. She goes out to the this other log cabin lookin' house that's outside the main house. She runs in, looks around, looks terrified, and then screams as a giant spider jumps down off the loft and kills her. The giant spider looked totally stupid by the way and you could totally see the cables on it.
28. So it's the next morning now and Dan leaves Helga's place and heads into town to see his cousin who runs the rock shop. This guy is as seriously creepy and scummy as Dan is. I'd also like to mention here at this point that his cousin's name is Billy and he bares more than a passing resemblance to Charles Manson. Helter skelter man! Anyway, Dan shows him one of the big round rocks and Billy says that he couldn't have gotten it around there and that it must have come from down south somewhere. The Dan shows him one of the diamonds and Billy puts in the ol' jeweler's spec and has himself a gander at the sparkly rock. After a bit, he blows a raspberry and says that they're only industrial grade and that he would need a barrel full of them before he could get rich from them. Somehow though, I got the feeling that maybe he was lying. I mean, he is a scumbag and all.
29. A quick visit back to the doctors now where they're getting more results and not really doing anything with them. After that we go back to Dan's house where he's bitching about how messy the place is and how Ev never cleans it up. Terry is there in the kitchen looking cute in her country girl denim hot pants and denim halter top. She's makin' some food and Dan starts talking about how he should have married her instead of Ev. She says she was eleven years old, and he gives her this look like, "Yeah, so?" Typical hillbilly. Anyway, he offers to give her one of the diamonds if she's real nice to him and does things for him. What a lech. Anyway, the sheriff comes along now and asks Dan and Terry about the guy on the motorcycle and they tell him they haven't seen anything. God this movie is stupid. I can't wait for it to be over.

30. We're back at the lab now. The two doctors and dave are talking about black holes and parallel universes and all that crazy scientific stuff like that there. Now we go back to Dan who's back out in the field digging up more of them big rocks. Unfortunately for him, he didn't see the giant spider come up behind him. Yep, it ate him. Spit out his skeleton too. Pretty neat lookin' actually. It's about time I saw somethin' neat lookin in this picture. I do feel sorry for that spider though. I can't imagine how awful Dan tasted considering he looked like he'd missed his yearly bath this year.

31. Back at what used to be Dan's house now, and Billy just came walking in. He heads on into the kitchen, and then Terry, who had just gotten out of the shower comes walking in topless. You know it's funny. They looked bigger when they were in the halter top. Anyway, she covers up and tells him that Dan and Ev are both gone. She asks him about the diamond that Dan gave her and he says it's worth five bucks. Then he starts hittin' on her. She tells him to go home and take a cold shower and pushes him out the door. Now when we see her turn around to leave, we can see her butt crack sticking out of the back of her panties. I mention this because the camera shot zoomed right in on her butt before they cut the scene and go back out to Billy leaving.
32. So Billy's driving away and naturally there's a tarantula on his seat that he doesn't see crawling towards him. He finally spots it as he's driving along and starts freakin' out big time. Well, it seemed like he was freakin' out big time, until his car got caught by the really huge spider that had built a web across the road. I think at that point he messed his pants. He finally managed to get his car broken free of the spiders grasp, and he's racing along the road still freaking out over the spider on the seat next to him, when suddenly he runs off the road and drives through a gas pump and then through the wall of the gas station. He jumps out of his flaming car and tries to bust a window out of the place to get away, but just as he does, the whole place blows up in a really weak explosion that could have only been the result of a seriously low budget.
33. Again back at what was formerly Dan's house, spiders are hatchin' all over the place. Terry's lookin way cute in her skimpy clothes, but we don't get to look at her for long, because spiders start hatchin' out all over the place. She freaks and splatters one with a clothes iron and runs out of the room screaming. You know what would have been really cool? Spiders with frickin' laser beams on their heads. Where's Dr. Evil when you need him?
34. Well the two doctors are farting around out in the countryside now. Do these two ever do anything besides look at test results and fart around? Sure doesn't seem like it. Dr. Vance has his geiger counter out and he's taking readings of the area. I'm gettin' really sick of these little short scenes of these two idiots. DO SOMETHING ALREADY DAMN IT!!!! Anyway, David just heard from Dutch the barkeep that Billy's car exploded. Oddly enough he didn't mention anything about the whole friggin' gas station exploding along with it. Funny, I would have thought that that would have been more newsworthy than some stupid hillbilly gettin' toasted. Hey, would cooked hillbilly be like Kentucky Fried Hicken? No? Not even a titter? Come on people, throw me a frickin' bone here. I'm doing the best I can with what I got to work with here. Phones are dead by the way.
35. Back at scantily clad Terry's house, we see Terry running scared through her spider web infested house, screaming like a banshee. Now tell me something here. How come there's only webs all over this house when the spiders are about to attack? I mean, when they're not attacking, there's like nothing. Just a few minor ones here and there. Anyway, as Terry runs by the window, this big fuzzy spider leg that looks more like King Kong's fuzzy weiner comes busting through the window and grabs Terry. I'd sure like to know how one spider leg can grab anything. It's not like it has fingers or anything. It's just kinda...well...nubby. Anyway, she falls over screaming as the giant spider, that is now on top of the house by the way, starts bustin' its way in. Now if I was Terry, I sure as hell wouldn't be kneeling on the floor screaming. There wouldn't be a radar detector in the world that could clock how fast I'd be cruisin' the hell out of there.
36. So David comes driving up to the house and sees what's going on. He pulls out a rifle (how convenient) and starts shooting the spider. Finally he manages to run down and grab Terry and get her the hell out of there. Just then, the doctors hear all the commotion. The come running up this hill to see what's going on, when suddenly the giant spider comes up over the hill at them wiggling it's big hairy legs in a most comical way. So what do the two doctors do when they see this? Why, they roll down the hill playing the steamroller game the whole way. Finally they manage to get up and take off runnin' with the spider hot on their trail. Oh my god! They made it back to the car and the car actually started! How atypical for a movie like this.
37. Terry's in the hospital now and the two doctors are in the sheriff's office. He's saying how he'll never be able to keep the lid on this one and how all hell's breaking loose. Then he tells him that they just brought in what was left of Joe Cooper. I guess they found him hanging by his neck in his freakin' closet. (If you're a fan of the movie Baseketball, you'll get that joke and probably find it quite funny. If you've never seen that movie, then skip ahead to #38 and penalize yourself 50 points for missing out on a comedic masterpiece.)
38. Dr. Vance is telling the sheriff that there's a fifty foot spider out there on the loose. He seems a little shocked at first, but then calms down like he's on valium or something. Now, doesn't it seem like someone with even the slightest bit of intelligence would be calling in the military at this point? I mean, sure they'd blow up the whole town just to kill the things, but...well...that's the price you gotta pay. Anyway, the lady doctor seems to think that there's some kind of an inter-dimensional gateway that these things are coming through. The sheriff shows them two of those round rocks and he asks them if they know what they are. He says that he found them near the corpse. They ask him if they can take the rocks to examine them, and he says yes and off they go with the rocks. Too much talking. Not enough spider. Reviewer bored. Reviewer talking to his friend on ICQ. Reviewer just made a bad joke on ICQ and now reviewer's friend wants to slap reviewer in the head. Reviewer will get back to his review now.
39. David calls the sheriff from the hospital to tell him that Terry's in there, and then we cut to the two doctors in the lab. Doctor Jenny says that the lab called and said that the analysis of the rocks will take two hours. Dr. Vance just wants to bust them open, but Jenny says that they don't have time for that. Huh? In the first place, how the hell long does it take to bust a rock open? And in the second place, why the hell didn't the lab do that when they were analyzing the damn things? I mean hell, get a hammer and I'll do it! Anything to get this movie over with quicker. But sadly, Jenny's more intent on trying to think of a way to stop the big fifty foot spider. How about getting a big ol' giant steel-toed boot, hooking it up to a crane, and then stepping on the damn thing with it? I mean, it'll make a mess, but I guess it's better than the alternative.
40. More idiotic scientific talk now. They're talking about flooding the inter-dimensional gateway with neutrons. They just ordered up this big gizmo to do the job. So we go back to the sheriff's office now where vance is talking on the phone with the sheriff telling him the plan. Now I'm gonna tell you something really sad here that should make you understand how bad this movie truly is. While the sheriff is talking to Vance on the phone, you can hear Vance talking in the background so the sheriff knows what to say and when to say it. But you don't hear him because they're allowing you to hear him. You hear him because he's standing in the same room saying the lines for the sheriff to work off of, and you only hear him intermittently when he talks loud enough to kick the noise gate on the sound system. You can actually hear the noise level rise every time he kicks the gate. Didn't they even listen to the friggin' audio track when they were done shooting this scene? I thought that was standard procedure in order to make sure everything went ok? Sad, very sad.
41. I feel like Bart and Lisa in the Back of the theater with Homer running the projector. "Is it over yet?" "No" "Is it over yet?" "No" "Is it over yet?" "No!" "Is it over yet?" "No!!!" "Is it over yet?" "DOH!"
42. Hoo boy!!! An angry mob of hillbillies and loggers with guns! They're gonna go out to the Kester farm and kill that giant spider. I keep expecting to see some of them with torches and shovels and rakes and stuff. Anyway, a different sheriff that we haven't seen before comes up and tries to disperse them, but they just blow him off and head on out. Not much he can do about that when there's so many of them.
43. HAHAHAH!!! There's some kind of a fair going on with rides and stuff. The first scene of it is two kids. One of them is drinking out of a fountain, and the other one is pumping the handle! That actually have a pump handle drinking fountain! What a goof!!! Anyway, the spider is on his way to the fair. Guess he wants some cotton candy or to win a cupie doll or somethin'. Man, what a hick lookin' fair this is. I just got to see some old guy with no teeth eat some barbequed chicken. Woo Hoo!!! The spider just got to the fair in time for the start of the annual Gleason fair marathon! He may have been a late entry in this year's race, but he's catchin' up fast. I think he could actually be a contender for this years trophy. Judging by his past performances, he usually makes his move somewhere during the last eight legs of the race. Ok, you think that one was bad, here's another one. Why are spiders so smart? Because they invented the web! Again...not a giggle? Not even a titter? Ok, I'll move on now.
44. The marathon is running through town now with the spider hot on their heels. People are screamin' and running all over each other. A lot of people have been trampled at this point too. Man, that must be some trophy for these people to be goin' through all this. A car just spotted the giant spider and swerved out of the way. Well it missed the spider all right, but it slammed into another car and exploded. Smooth move ex-lax. Must have been a woman driver. Anyway, the cool thing is, they used a tire screeching sound effect from the song Transfusion by Nervous Norvus which can be found on some Dr. Demento albums. If you've ever heard the song, you'll recognize this immediately.
45. Ok the two doctors got their machine now and they're going to try to close off the hole. They think that by closing off the hole and cutting off the spider's energy source, that it'll just make all the spiders disappear. So first of all they're out bumbling around this spider infested area in the dark, and secondly, they're trying to walk back to their vehicle and Jenny is stumbling all over the place and then they both fall down and find another dead body. It's probably Dan's skeleton that we saw earlier...or not. Who knows at this point? In fact, who cares? I think it would actually raise the average IQ of this whole country if all of these people got munched. Anyway, they finally get back to their car and call the sheriff. The sheriff tells them that the spiders are all over in Gleason. He also tells him that he's called in the national guard. Vance tells him to keep the mob away from the area because it's infested with spiders. I got another question at this point. Why are there so many little spiders, but only one big one? I just posed this question to my friend, and he answered it with one simple word. Budget. Nuff' said.
46. It's night now and we see the mob gathering. The sheriff just drove up and they all boo him. He's telling them that he's got a man from NASA and he know's what he's doing. You're forgetting something there sheriff. This guy is a bumbling idiot. If he had been in charge of the space program, the moon launch would have ended up landing in lower Detroit. Maybe you should just let the mob go do it's thing after all.
47. He's telling the sheriff that the bomb is on it's way and that he needs the sheriff to hold the spider there. The sheriff tells him that the only thing he has to stop the spider is a traffic light. So basically, all hell's breaking loose now. People are dead and injured and they're hauling away people in ambulances. The spider went heading back towards it's lair. Back near the lair, the two doctors are talking about how the big spider must be some kind of a queen, like a queen bee. They're waiting for the helicopter to come with the bomb. Just then, the sheriff comes driving up. It's the other sheriff that doesn't have a name. He's telling them that the big spider is on it's way back. They just radioed the helicopter and told it to use it's spotlight to target the area. Vance was gonna fire a flare to mark the target, but he forgot the flares. He just sent Jenny back to the truck to get the flare gun. Unfortunately, they had the two rocks in there with the flare gun and they both hatched. She knocked the case off the truck and grabbed the flare gun. Now during this time, the sheriff with no name was trying to distract the creature and ended up getting himself eaten. For a sheriff, he sure wasn't very smart, or agile was he?
48. So Vance shoots the flare off and the helicopter drops the bomb. There's another really cheap looking explosion here and then we get to watch the explosion in reverse as it's reversing the energy flow back through the inter-dimensional gateway which causes the giant spider to basically melt into what looks like an oozing pile of liposuctioned fat. And now my friends, it gives me great pleasure to announce that this movie is finally over. Except for one last thing. The two doctors stand there hugging, and you see some dude walk into the shot over by the spider and get stuck in the last frozen frame as the credits roll. Who the hell was that and where did he come from? They were the only two left alive there? I guess the crew was just as eager for this movie to be over as I was. Anyway, it's over. That's all that matters really.

Best Quote

"Sometimes the only way I know you're still alive is when I hear ya flush the toilet."


- Ev talkin' smack to her hillbilly husband Dan. - (Reviewer's Note: What the hell was a supremely gorgeous woman like that doing with a rotten stinking hillbilly like him anyway? He shouldn't even exist in the same world with someone as hot as her. He should be living in the spider dimension where his job would be to shovel up spider crap all day.)

Video Clip
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The Giant Spider Invasion
If you follow this spider around with a little baggie for about three days, you might just see Dan again.

The Conclusion
Oh my god, what an ordeal. I think hour-wise, this review took me longer than any of them simply because this movie was such a mess. I mean, there were meaningless scenes interspersed with scenes that went on too long, mixed in with scenes that were boring or didn't make any sense. It was just a complete nightmare trying to write this thing. I tried to make it as entertaining as I could, and I do apologize for the length of the review. I've been trying to make them shorter, not longer, but by three minutes into this mess of a film, I was already on #6 or #7. I had really hoped that this movie would be goofy and fun, and in some ways it was. Mostly though, it just ended up being very lame and very boring with nowhere near enough footage of the really cool looking giant spider. I will give them one thing. They did a good job on the spider. I mean sure, it looks stupid and fake, but the legs move really well, and that's one of only a very few good things I can say about this film.

The acting was only third rate by most of the characters, although I have to say that Alan Hale did a good job as always with his role, and managed to make his character likeable despite the lousy script and poor supporting actors. The parts of the two scientists were so poorly written that it almost seemed like they were nothing more than humorous caricatures of real scientists. The hillbillies were so utterly stereotypical that I kept expecting to see some other stereotypes running around as well, like Japanese guys with cameras snapping photos of the spider while they sang karaoke tunes. I don't have anything at all against stereotypical characters in movies. Stereotypes exist for a reason and quite often they're funny and add some much needed levity to an otherwise suffering script. I just wish they had played up the Hillbilly stereotype a little more than they did. Taking characters like this to a ridiculous level can only improve an otherwise mediocre film by making you actually want to watch and see what the characters are going to do next. They become almost like cartoon characters after a while, and that's what makes them fun to watch.

On the technical end of things, there were a lot problems with this film. If the film makers had exercised just a little care, and some attention to detail, these problems needn't have existed at all. Things like when you could hear things in the background that you weren't supposed to hear and see people in certain shots that you weren't supposed to see. One big example is when the cable holding the spider that kills Ev is clearly visible in the scene. I mean, I know this is supposed to be a low budget, goofy film, but there's stuff in here that could have been done better.  If the filmmakers had taken just a little time and care during the production phase of this film, many of these issues could have been avoided, and they could have tried to clean up whatever was left during the editing process. One thing I got really sick and tired of seeing were the short little scenes with the scientists. They would throw in like a twenty second to two minute scene here and there just so we wouldn't forget who they were and so we could see that they were actually doing something. It became very cumbersome after a while and more than a little annoying. This film, if it had all of the unnecessary scenes shortened or edited out, could have come in at least twenty minutes lighter than it did, which considering how utterly bad it was, could only have been a good thing.

So my loyal readers, in conclusion I'd just like to say that since I had to sit here and suffer through that extra twenty minutes of boring crap, I'm going to make them pay for it by only giving this film the rather sad rating of...

B-Movie Central's Rating: 2 Bees

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