Mars Needs Women

Year Of Release: 1967
Running Time: 88 Minutes
DVD Released By: MGM Midnite Movies
Directed By: Larry Buchanan
Writing Credits: Larry Buchanan
Filming Location: Dalas, Texas, Houston, Texas

Starring: Tommy Kirk, Yvonne Craig, Warren Hammack, Tony Huston, Larry Tanner, Cal Duggan, Pat Delaney, Sherry Roberts

Tagline: They were looking for chicks...to go all the way!

Alternate Titles:
I was unable to find any reference to alternate titles for this film.

Interesting Bits of Trivia:
Walt Disney signed Tommy Kirk to a long term contract and Tommy appeared not only in the Mickey Mouse Club, but in full length disney features as well including Old Yeller (1957), The Shaggy Dog (1959), Swiss Family Robinson (1960), The Absent-Minded Professor (1961), Babes in Toyland (1961) and The Misadventures of Merlin Jones (1964). However, in 1964, the Disney factory found out that Tommy was gay and they immediately released him from his contract after finishing The Monkey's Uncle in 1965.




Cast Of Characters
Dop:
Mr. Fast:
Seattle Sun Reporter:
Oh those crazy Tommy Kirk lookalikes with their crazy AM radio headphone thingies! They're just the living end!

Dr Marjorie Bolen: Hey baby, haven't I seen you somewhere before? Didn't you used to hang out with Adam West? Hmm, I can't quite seem to remember, but I know it had something to do with bats. Maybe I'm just thinking about the rating for this movie.

Network News Man: This guy is a serious pain in the butt. No wonder no one wants to talk to the press. I don't know why guys like this think they're entitled to know everything so that they can go blab it to everyone. That's what we have women for! I just noticed that in this picture, he looks a little bit like Lenny from Laverne and Shirley.

Colonel Bob Page: You know, this guy could have made it a lot easier on everyone if he had just welcomed the Martians and took them down to the local burger joint. They could have scored some waitresses or something and then they'd be gone and the whole world would be safe.

Secretary Of Defense: So this guy is the Secretary of Defense huh? It's a wonder we still have a country. Colonel Bobby comes and tells him that the martians are coming and that they want our women. This is pretty much the look he had on his face the whole time, which incidentally made it quite easy to get this screenshot. Seriously now, this guy really needs to down about a half a bottle of Geritol and then get his secretary to set him an appointment at the local spa for a herbal enema.




The Plot

Five Martians come to Earth looking for young, fertile women to take back home with them. They need the women, because on Mars, a genetic disaster is occurring and it's causing a drastic change in the ratio between male and female births. There's about one hundred males born for every one female birth. The only way to correct this problem is to infuse human DNA into their own gene pool. If their mission is unsuccessful, their whole race will die. (Reviewer's Note: This wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. These guys are a bunch of creeps.)




What The Hell???
1. The first thing you see on this DVD is, "This film has been modified from it's original version. It has been formatted to fit your TV." All I can find myself thinking is, "Good, now I won't have to see as much of this crappy movie as I would have had to in the widescreen version."
2. The movie starts out with three women vanishing into thin air. There's not even a cool sound effect or anything, they just disappear. Two of the three were actually with a guy and they vanished while the guys weren't looking. The guys must have been downin' some 'ludes or somethin' because they didn't even freak out or nothin'. The third girl was in the shower when they took her, and I found myself wondering why they didn't just take all the women from the shower? I mean, number one, they're clean, and number two, they're already naked. I mean, who turns down a pre-dressed turkey on Thanksgiving? It just saves you a lot of work.
3. So the colonel arrives at the science base and he's informed that they've deciphered the message that they've been receiving from the martians. The message is only three words. MARS NEEDS WOMEN. Now how anticlimactic is it when your first message from an alien civilization is a request for some chicks? I mean, you could hear the same thing at any singles bar!
4. The Secretary of Defense comes up with a lame excuse about what the message is so that Colonel Bobby can feed it to the press guy. I have a feeling that the only thing he really wants to feed the press guy is a knuckle sandwich.
5. The Martians send a message saying that they have tried to take three women by transponder. They said they were unsuccessful and that they were coming in person to complete their mission. Where'd the three women go then?
6. Tommy Kirk...er...I mean Dop, appears in front of the Colonel and proceeds to overact horribly. He says that because of the genetic error and the high rate of male births, they need Earth women volunteers to save their race. The Colonel, rather than trying to talk sensibly to him and come up with some kind of a scientific solution, basically gets in his face and blows the whole thing out of proportion. I think this guy's got some issues.
7. I just got up and walked out of the room for a sec. My wife started yelling after me, "No! Don't leave me alone here with this movie!"

8. Oh my god this movie is boring. Now we're being treated to stock footage of Air Force jets flying around looking for the Martian's ship.

9. So the Martians land their ship. I could do better special effects than this in my garage. The spacesuits these guys are wearing look like scuba diving suits with Duct Tape accents. Kevin Costner probably could have used a suit like that in Waterworld. (Doesn't that sound like the name of a water slide park?)
10. For such an advanced species, they sure can't act.
11. Some of these guys' suits are flaking apart. I guess they picked them up used at a Venetian flea market or something.
12. So the Martians send out their guys to score cash, a city map, a car, and some new threads. Now where have I seen this scenario before? Ah yes, it was in Star Trek 4 - The Voyage Home. Except they did a much better job and it was much funnier.
13. One of these martians, the one who bags the stripper, looks a lot like a young Christopher Walken. The stripper he's after does this long dance that's a lot more tease than it is stripping. I sure wouldn't pay five bucks for a beer in this place.
14. Dop and another one of the Martians go into a hotel. They walk up to the desk and ask for a large double room. There's none available so the girl sends them up to the bar to wait. So they go up and order a Martini. I'm not even gonna ask how they knew what the hell a martini is. The bartender tells them they can't get a mixed drink in Texas, they can only have beer or wine. So they can't get a room and they can't get a drink and they can't find any women. Remind me never to go to Texas.

15. Dop goes up to a reporter's room to put him into a hypnotic state so that they can send him back home and they can take the room. So Dop hypnotizes the guy, and as I was listening to him do it, the only effect I found that it had on me was that it made me have to go to the bathroom.

16. The Martians transponder watches look like a watch that had the guts taken out and three LED's put into it surrounded by pieces of broken match sticks.
17. The Christopher Walken looking alien that's hanging out in the strip club watching the dancer doesn't respond to the others calling him to see if he's doing ok. I don't blame him, I'd ignore them too. If I was paying five bucks a beer to watch a strip show, I wouldn't even let friggin' armageddon distract me.
18. I'm not even going to go into how weird it is that both men and women are watching this strip show, and when it's over, they all clap politely.
19. When the alien goes to get the stripper in her dressing room, she throws a freak out. Now since the makers of this movie obviously didn't set their standards very high in the acting category, I suppose they were happy with her performance. If I was directing this movie however, she'd have been delivering coffee and sitting on my lap between scenes. I bet they paid her $1.95 for the day and let her keep the dress. If they paid her any more than that, they got seriously ripped off.
20. Dop and Marjorie go out on a date after Dop meets her at a press conference and she ends up asking him out. They go for a walk and come across this movie show called Trip To Mars. They go in to watch and the usher tells them that they're going to be the only ones watching the show today. Then all of a sudden a ton of screaming kids pile into the theater. Isn't that always the way?
21. The narration tape breaks during the show so Dop starts narrating it like a pro. He gives this big speech about Mars and then when he's done, the kids all start clapping and screaming. Dop saves the day!!!
22. The Martian at the airport that's stalking the stewardess has been there like forever following her around. She's been walking through the airport for like a half an hour now and I still don't know where she's headed. How the hell big is that airport anyway? At least when he catches up with her, he hypnotizes her with a look that would have made Fuad Ramses proud!
23. Now the Martian that goes after the homecoming queen girl just doesn't do the Fuad Ramses look right. The other Martian did it much better.
24. Much like "Doc" in The Love Boat, the Martian doctor is a smooth operator and scores with his girl easily.
25. Marjorie talks like that smart little girl in your second grade class. You know the one. She was the one with the pigtails who thought that she was smarter than everyone and liked to cop attitude all the time.
26. When Marjorie finds out that Dop is an alien, she doesn't even freak out or anything. She doesn't seem overly concerned about the safety and welfare of the other captured girls either.
27. Dop tries to stay behind with Marjorie but ends up having to go. He starts crying and telling her how love went out of their vocabulary, but that what he feels for her must be love. Not bad for a second date huh? Anyway, she starts crying and kisses him. Then he and the others pile into the spaceship and take off because the Colonel showed up with three combat army guys and started shooting at the building. I'm not sure what they were shooting at considering that they were on the outside of the building and they couldn't see a target.
28. So the ship takes off and they fly off into space with the abducted girls under heavy sedation. Sounds kinda like an LSD / Ecstasy trip to me. The colors...the colors!



Best Quote

"When was the last time you took a pretty girl for a walk? I mean a pretty girl with a PHD?"

 

- Marjorie talking to Dop after the Trip to Mars movie. - (Reviewer's Note: Well now, aren't we full of ourselves?)




Video Clip
When prompted, enter bmovie for the username and central for the password.

Mars Needs Women
The Martian Dop appears in front of the Colonel and some other scientists to do a little overacting. Not to be outdone, the Colonel does a little overacting of his own.



The Conclusion

All that I can say is, I liked this movie even less than Morons From Outer Space. The acting was horrible, the script was horrible, and I feel like I just lost 88 minutes of my life that I will never get back. The only regret I have is that it'll take me even longer to get this review done.

Tommy Kirk, who also played in the beach movies, put in a horribly stiff and at times overacted performance as Dop. Yvonne Craig, better known as Batgirl from the old Batman TV show put in a very stiff performance as well, barely showing any emotion at all even in scenes that called for it. The Colonel was a completely unreasonable and unbalanced man which made for a very unbelievable character. I seriously doubt that any Colonel in the US Air Force would allow themselves to completely let his anger control them the way that this Colonel does.

The pace of this movie was slow and plodding. Every scene felt like it would have been completed in one-tenth the time and still have gotten the same point across. It says on the back of the DVD box in the "Fun Facts" section that the director, Larry Buchanan, would often receive a movie script one morning, and then begin shooting the next. This movie looks like they didn't even wait that long. From the lousy costumes and poor special effects, to the bad acting and badly written script, this movie is a stink bomb in a room full of flowers, and because of that, I'm sending this movie right where it belongs. I'm sending it to the bottom of the deepest pit of Hell, where it will reside under a giant, oozing, steaming pile of bat guano for all of eternity.

B-Movie Central's Rating: The Bat!

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