Taglines:

• If you don’t treat Santa nice he’ll put you on ice.
• Ralphie has a present for you, a double barrel shot gun of death!
• Naughty…nice…It doesn’t matter…Ralphie’s the guy with the gun.
• Santa is belted, buckled, booted, and ready for action.
• A double dog dare you of death!

Synopsis

Ralphie is a CIA operative who has been working the mean streets of New York for nearly 9 years. His latest assignment is as an undercover mobster within a powerful cartel family called the Parkers. The cartel is run by an overbearing drunken father referred to as “The Old Man.” He’s been selling bunk cocaine from the trunk of his Oldsmobile while the mother, a struggling go-go dancer, sells her homemade stews on the street to help buy more mashed potatoes for the mute brother Randy, it’s the only food he can digest. Mr. Parker collects erotic memorabilia including a highly valuable leg sculpture he imported from the little known southern island of Fragile. It’s his most prized possession.

One brisk winter day, the sculpture gets destroyed in a lower east side drive by. An apparent attack by the Bumpuseses gang, a ruthless group of southern rednecks who have an affinity for training large rabid attack dogs. Mr. Parker however believes it was in an inside job and that he has a rat among his associates. Later that day Ralphie tries to extract some information about the drive-by from Scut Farkus, a freckled face yellow eyed physcopath who demands everyone call him “Uncle.” Dangerous and unpredictable, he wears a hat made of human scalps and will break the arm of anyone who even look at him crossed eyed.

Ralphie hopes to track down his red rider assault rifle which he believes was used in attack on the Parker’s home and could be traced back to him. He beats Scut Furkus senselessy in a back alley until Scut confesses that he’s just a low level henchman for a rich city pimp known as “Big Red.” Big Red is a Santa impersonator at the local mall but is a cover for his underground white slave trade and has an even bigger hatred for Mr. Parker than the city cops. When Ralphie and Randy show up at his headquarters, they get surprised with a trap door that sends them both plummeting to the city streets below where some elve henchmen beat them to a pulp. Battered and bruised, Ralphie finds help from a local teacher known for her strict rules and deathly assassin moves. A teacher and martial arts master so ruthless she is rumored to have nailed a student’s tongue to a flag pole just for him being disrespectful.

After a lengthy recovery and training, Ralphie receives a secret coded message over the radio  from agent Annie who’s been tracking him and his mission’s progress. Project “Drink Your Ovaltine” is a go for Christmas day as a big drug shipment disguised as kid’s chocolate drinks is heading up state. Upon return to the family, Ralphie cover is blown from a phoned-in tip from Flick, a fellow mobster who suspected he might be a cop when he witnessed him talking into his secret decoder ring. Held prisoner at the Parker home Ralphie endures a series of tortures including being gagged with soap and forced to wear a pink bunny suit all for the amusement of the cartel. At his darkest hour a mysterious package arrives at the door bearing a tag that reads “A gift from Santa.” Inside is his red-rider assault rifle loaded and ready for action. He breaks free, grabs the gun and takes out the guards with extreme prejudice. Escaping through a broken window and nearly losing his eye in the process he drives  away in the family’s Oldsmobile. Flat tire and cursing under his breath he eventually makes his way to Chinatown and finds refuge as a fry cook in a small Chinese restaurant. Ralphie now in federal protection, hopes to never be found by the Parkers who want his head on a platter. From that day on the eye patched operative must always watch over his shoulders as the last words from Mr. Parker still haunt him… “Not a finger!” “Not a finger!”

Merry Christmas..Can you dig it suckas?

“Here’s a dollar…go buy yourself a bucket of shirts.”

I never haver really understood the appeal of fine jewelry. Women swoon over a pretty diamond perched on a gold ring or a silver necklace covered in precious stones but couldn’t the same look be accomplished with colored glass and metallic spray paint? The obsession kicks into an estrogen overdrive when a gal shows her friends her new engagement ring. You’d think she just won the Super-Bowl. “Ooooh..look how big the diamond is!” They drool over it’s shininess like Golum in Lord of the Rings. It’s a totally different experience for us guys. When we get our wedding band we fiddle with it,  place it on the soap holder in the shower precariously over the drain or spin it on the table just to see how long it will spin…right before it accidentally goes down the heating vent. We grudgingly buy you jewelry because we know you love it and hopefully it’s fair compensation for the dumb things we have done in the past and will continue to do over the course of the marriage. If given the choice though, we’d probably pawn it and buy something more practical that makes clicky electronic noises or has blinky lights. Give me a nice lazyboy chair with a built in fridge and remote…now see that’s something useful, or how about a 6 foot tall stuffed monkey wearing a beanie hat hold a serving tray. That would go great in the living room next to that fine china cabinet and really isn’t it just as practical? Friends would come over to admire it and they would put their drinks on the serving tray and ask me “So where did you get this cool monkey?” I’d proudly respond “Well I almost bought something impractical like jewelry but ordered this instead, and check out these new usb-powered nose haired trimmers I got yesterday!” Oh Sharper Image catalogs, how I will miss thee.

Speaking of people obsessed with precious metals, The movie Leprechaun proves that you shouldn’t take gold from a midget with buckles on his shoes and that they also make the worse house guests. Leprechauns are regularly sited exiting bars on St. Patty’s day but only the mean ones likes to hang out in the backwoods of Arkansas. So when a drunk Irish redneck tricks one into giving him his bag of gold coins, Irish tempers flare and it unleashes an unholy revenge on him and his wife. With the gold prices going through the roof you can understand him being a bit peeved over the loss of his dublins. His pint-sized gold rush is cut short though when Mr. O’Grady shoots the little bugger with his handgun and then seals him in a storage crate protecting it with a 4-leaf clover. Sure, vampires melt in sunlight, werewolves die from silver bullets, but leprehauns have only to fear lawn weeds. Spring forward 10 years and a young Jennifer Aniston, pre-Friends, and her Billy Ray Cyrus looking dad show up to do some renovations on the dingy old O’Grady house accidentally breaking the clover-seal of freshness. Also working on the rennovation is a foul-mouthed kid named Nathan (nevermind those pesky child labor laws), his slow-witted friend Ozzie and a Kevin Bacon look alike who must have lost his shirt sleeves in a freak fan accident.

Nathan and Ozzie discover a hidden bag of gold after following a magic rainbow to an old rusty truck in the woods…also a likely place for my 401k savings. Upon taking the gold they find themselves having to defend the house against the blood thirsty leprechaun. He hides out in cereal cupboards, goes go-karting, rides pogo sticks, and antagonzing policeman. Are we sure this isn’t just a punk kid jacked up on Red Bull? Seemingly now indestructible after get slammed with 10 shot gun blasts to the chest he easily gets distracted by having dirty leather shoes tossed at his head. Leprecahuns are known to be obsessive shoe shiners so this distracts him long enough for Jennifer to escape for help in her Jeep. She attempts to track down Mr. O’Grady at retirement home to find out how to kill the leprechaun but gets ambushed by the evil dwarf incognito who tries to run her over in a pimped out wheelchair. Little known fact that Leprechaun’s upper body strength is like that of Arnold Swarzenneger. There’s a big showdown at the farmhouse where they  make a final stand against the malevolent Irishman while searching the lawn for 4 leaf clovers. It all comes down to a gorey conclusion by the hands of a mighty sling shot and a stick of bubble yum. A sort of anti-David and Goliath ending.

I had always been meaning to see this film and remember the VHS tape cover at my local video store along with it’s countless sequels but was never in the mood even on St. Patty’s day. I like my psychotic  killers above 3 feet tall (sorry Chucky.) It just didn’t seem like something that could be very scary and I was correct…Not scary but still entertaining. You gotta admire a Leprechaun that’s just so darn happy on his killing spree. The little guy takes pride in his job. Retroman Steve says check it out, you’ll never look at your Lucky Charms cereal the same way ever again. 

Roadside Attractions

- Extreme house shack makeover
- Pogo vault to the chest
- Obsessive shoe cleaning
- 1 Bear trap
- 3 Leprechaun tossings
- Leprechaun skate boarding
- Irish dwarf Skeet shooting
- Irish go-cartin’
- Eyeball gouging
- Clover pickin’
- Lucky charms of death
- Exploding wishing wells

rated 7.1 out of 10 for the movie

In case you have a unwanted leprechaun house guest  may I suggest offering him some Clover Leaf Flaked Light Spicy Thai Chili Tuna. It’s delicious. He’ll burst into flames and you won’t have the messy clean-up.

Check out the trailer for Leprechaun

“Who would stab this helpless wedge of cheese? A shameless cheese cutter?!!”

When I was a student designer in college, one of my required classes was sculpting. As a young illustrator I went in a bit cocky thinking that I could create the next masterpiece simply by closing my eyes and molding the clay into a work of perfection. Or maybe I could be like Patrick Swayze in the movie “Ghost” and show my lady my sensual fruit bowl making skills except without the whole getting shot and being stuck with Whoopi Golburg as my post-death translator. My sculptures actually looked a bit more like a deranged Gumby or a Mr. Bill on a good day (after he got ran over by the steamroller.) But I persevered in a sort of horrifying dedication to congealed mud expressionism. The only perk you’d get was the  occassional female nude models that would pose for the class. You’d think that would be a great opportunity for us horny college guys to gawk at some of the finest female figures higher education has to offer. Well, these ladies were getting paid student rates so at best you got a large burly women who believes in the “all natural” look. Something a economy tub of Nare will barely make a dent into. I learned quickly that I was no Michelangelo and my sculptures would take a turn for the worst in not studying the delicate features of Lumber Jack Janice. My sad attempt at fine art turned out to be more of unintentional abstract expressionism. “You see the one leg is longer that the other to represent woman’s plight in societial opression…errr.” “Uhhh…note how the face is lopsided…an obvious portrayal of humanities self reflection of it’s own inner turmoil…”  I never did end up wearing a beret or swilling wine at the latest art gallery opening but I did learn that clay is hard to clean out from under your fingernails and that if you’re going to get paid to be nude it better be at a bar with a 2 drink minimum.

Walter Paisley (Dick Miller) knows what it means to be a struggling artist. He works days as a bus boy at a beatnik bar/art gallery then at night likes to work a bit on his art career. He’s not the sharpest tool in tool shed though when he inadvertently stabs his land lady’s dimwitted cat who got stuck in his wall again. Consumed with a lack of talent and a deep hatred of PETA, he slaps some clay on the carcus and calls it art hoping to impress his beatnik peers. The owner of the gallery and fellow beatniks love his new masterpiece hailing him a genius and throwing him a party where they dress him up like a king and write him poems. It’s like his own personal reinassance fair. Everyone is excited to see his next piece completely unaware of it’s ghoulish creamy nugget center, so Walter starts offing people left and right to put together a quick exhibition. Also a benefit of becoming a murderous psychotic artist is you can finally wear that berret and gay neck scarf you’ve had your eye on. Walter’s sculpture range from “Undercover Police Guy I hit with frying pan” to “Naked bimbo I invited over and then choked the life out of her.” But probably his best piece is “Some dude working on a table saw in the alley that I decapitated.” It was not only his best piece but the easiest to transport and makes an excellent table center piece.

The gallery’s owner soon discovers Walter’s little secret but wimps out in not calling the police and instead just acts akward around Walter and sweats a lot. The big art exhibition starts off well until the guests start fiddling with the sculptures discovering the grisly secret under their surface. Did somebody forgot to put out the do not touch signs the night before? Meanwhile Walter has confessed his love for one of the beatnick chicks, Carla, and nothing says love more than involuntary taxidermy, but she “ain’t into that scene can you dig?” so Walter ends up chasing Carla and a angry mob ends up chasing Walter. Carla must have been training for a triathlon because Walter gives up the chase and tries to hide in his apartment…nobody will EVER think of looking for him there. The tragic and ironic ending only emphasis the evils of play-dough but is also a testament to incompetent gallery owners everywhere. 

Roger Corman wrote and directed this 50’s flick. The man is a machine whose been turning out films since the dawn of celluloid and truly is the king of b-movies. One of his tammer and shorter films but surprisingly entertaining with a bit of a hitchcock flavor to it. Retroman Steve says check it out and be sure to bring your pottery wheel.

Roadside Attractions

-1 frying pan to the head
-1 chick chokin’
- Cat-atonic
- Extreme neck scarves
- Orson Wells beatnik poets
- Corpse drop ceilings
- Beatnik civil war actors
- Play-dough of death
- Table saw decapitation

rated 7.3 out of 10 for the movie

“No clay was harmed in the filming of this movie. Well maybe except for Clay Aikens.”

Check out the trailer for A Bucket of Blood.

“Demonic possession is good for boosting low self-esteem and settling scores with old enemies, but unfortunately, it’s bad for your skin.”

With psychic, chat, and sex hotlines gaining popularity in the late 80’s, it wasn’t long before the “for entertainment purposes only” trend inspired a horror movie involving a 976 number. And that’s exactly what we get with “976-Evil.” Though the movie should’ve been titled “976-Awful.” This was a huge directorial dud from Springwood’s resident nightmare man, Robert Englund, who took a brief break from harvesting the souls of sleeping Elm Street children to helm this crappy little horror flick.

Things get started when a dweeb named Hoax (Stephen Geoffreys) starts playing a deadly game of Satan Says after calling what appears to be a harmless horoscope hotline. And with the help of his spiritual advisor from Hell, it isn’t long before he’s dialing up some good ol’ supernatural revenge against his abusers.

The mostly mid-twenties cast looks like audition rejects from any number of 80’s movies. First up we have a bathroom bully and amateur card shark who thinks he is “Duckie” from “Pretty in Pink.” Another guy at the poker game reminded me of Ivan Drago from “Rocky 4″ without the Russian accent, and about 65 lbs lighter, like he went on some kind of crazy all grapefruit diet. Spike (Patrick O’Bryan) is an “Eddie and the Cruisers” greaser-type and has a full-time job defending his wimpy cousin, Hoax, from the bathroom bullies at school. When this soft-hearted bad boy isn’t saving helpless geeks from being humiliated, he enjoys toying with his girlfriend’s, Suzie’s, emotions, and spends late nights gambling away his self-respect and personal belongings at high-stakes poker games. Suzie is a short-haired blonde cutie who dresses like she raided Cindy Lauper’s closet. This fashion-trendy girl just wants to have fun two-timing her boyfriend, Spike, and teasing us movie viewers by barely showing her little half-pints for the camera. Even though these characters had about as much appeal and depth as a scratch ‘n’ sniff sticker, the film does provide one colorful personality, an amped-up Bible-beater named Aunt Lucy (Sandy Dennis), who looks like a cross between “Mimi” from “The Drew Carey Show” and the demented cafeteria lady from high school, who worked or still works the lunch line. Her onscreen performance is so campy, you’ll want to stake a tent and roast some marshmallows.

Many of the deaths, like the one involving a neon pitchfork sign, had all the excitement and visual flare of an Amish fashion show. Kevin Yagher (”Sleepy Hollow”, “Mission Impossible 2″) was the effects supervisor on this production, but it didn’t look like he was doing much supervising. Unfortunately, we get several lame kills that had the energy of a weak cell phone signal, and were in desperate need of a blood transfusion. Next are a couple of failed cheesy poker humor gags involving a deadman’s hand and a pair of human hearts that were about as funny as being awakened at 3 in the morning by a drunk person calling the wrong number. The film’s only decent curtain call occurs at the very beginning, with a guy bursting into flames like the Hindenburg, after making the fatal mistake of not returning the Dark Master’s phone calls. Sadly, there were kills that felt tacked on in order to beef-up a skinny running time. An example is the death of a lady walking down a street who gets julienned by some flying glass shards after finding out that when you’re on the Devil’s calling plan, roaming charges are killer. Although the film has several misses in the kill department, there is one curtain call involving Suzie’s deadly dinner date with a group of spiders that almost hits the target. However it ended up being about as effective as using a toy cap gun at a skeet shoot competition. It’s a real shame, too, because if the scene had been handled by a director who understood how to film scenes of terror, the sequence could have caused a”heebie jeebee’s” reaction similar to the cockroaches segment, “They’re creeping up on you,” from the movie “Creepshow.” But, instead of grabbing a can of Raid, I was reaching for a Red Bull so I could stay awake during this mess of a bore-fest. And while we’re on the subject of misses and near misses, the film does have one truly cringe-worthy scene. It involves the newly possessed “Hell Geek”, a.k.a. Hoax, having a Freddy Krueger moment as he gives a bathroom bully a close shave using his supersized demon claw. Now, maybe director Robert Englund thought he was being clever but, the Krueger homage came off as stale and would make a dinner roll from the Last Supper found today seem fresh.

Also, this movie has absolutely no scares or suspense whatsoever. The only scary thing worth mentioning is where director Englund and crew filmed the crack house interior shots for the movie theater and high school bathroom. The locations looked so disgusting that I wanted to pause the movie and visit a free clinic to make sure that I didn’t catch anything. Seriously, a sewer pipe would think twice before backing up in any of these places. Then there is the issue of the film’s dial-up-connection-like pacing. I could be watching this movie, go into a coma for 5 years, wake up, and I’d still only be half-way through the movie. Unfortunately, what started out as a cool movie title and premise, quickly turned into an incoherent disaster of throw-away scenes, piss-poor acting, and amateur looking visual effects. And when the end credits began marching on screen, I was wishing that this number had been disconnected.

Don’t expect to find Miss Cleo, or anyone from the Psychic Frauds Network, manning the phones when you dial this number.

Roadside Attractions

- Killer icicle chandler
- Robo-caller from hell
- Hell actually does freeze over
- Supersized demon hands
- Reckless use of a moped
- Raining fish from the sky
- Electrifying death by neon pitchfork sign
- A severed hand
- A pair of human hearts
- Wheels of death Camaro

Rated 3.0 out of 10

Check out the trailer for 976-Evil

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WARNING: The trailer below contains graphic violence and nudity. But really what did you expect on Thanksgiving Day?

“Johnny’s new satanic twister floor game never did catch on at parties. Players kept ending up in purgatory.”

I’m dissapointed that the media never covered a particular subject this past election season that I felt was important. The problem of overcrowded prisons. If you don’t mind me getting up on my soapbox for a second, I don’t think they rehabilitate and we certainly can’t find enough room to build more of them. I think there’s a couple easy solutions for this though. First, build them on golf courses. Yeah golf courses with all their well manicured grass and rich people in plaid pants chasing around little white balls. They could really use a correctional facility next to the local country club. The lifers in solitary confinement or the trouble makers in cell block 5 could be the new caddys. It’s not only punishment for the inmates but it would keep those old rich guys on their toes thinking they might get a 9 iron to the back of the head or end up buried headfirst in a sand trap. As for rehabilitation, I think they should ship in some old Catholic school nuns to shape things up. They could parachute them in storming the golf course hills like para-nuns.  A old cranky nun with a long range wooden ruler and rosemary side arm is much more intimidating than a warden anyday and nuns can get the job done. Sure, in Catholics school You may have hated that old sister of the cloth running your math class but I bet you knew your Algebra. They are able to quite literary strike the fear of God into people and make an excellent prison guard to boot. Even a 250 pound harden criminal serving time for tearing the tag off a mattress pad would cry like a little girl when facing wrong end of one of those wood rulers. So be sure to write you local congress and ask for your new Catholic penitentiary golf resort. It’s time for a change.

Sister Gloria is one nun you don’t want to mess with in Night of the Demons 2. She’s like the Chuck Norris of Catholicism including the facial hair and roundhouse kicks. She’s also the head holy lady at a private school for troubled teens where the motto is “If you’re not screwed up now we’re not working hard enough.”  Much like Chuck Norris, Sister Gloria’s job consist of mostly trying to educate girls on woman’s health issues and keep teens from having sex. She’d have less to worry about if they just not build their co-ed dorms facing each other’s bedroom windows where the guys stock up on binoculars  and the girls are oblivious to the fact they have no window shades. The school also just happens to be a convenient drive to the old Hull house around the corner where a  demonized Angela made mince meat of some local teens a few years back. Angela’s body was never found and the urban legend peeks the curiosity of some of the students, one of whom happens to be Angela’s sister “Mouse.” She’s A uber-emo girl with a bowl cut hair-do and keen Amish fashion sense. Mouse believes that Angela still haunts it’s halls waiting for her guests to someday return, so some of the girls and school jocks think it would be happy fun times to kidnap Mouse and take her to Hull house for yet another Halloween party and fake virgin sacrifice. Apparently the rule of a successful halloween bash is if everyone dies at the first party, try try again. This time Angela isn’t content to staying on the property with her new guests so she crams her demon soul into a lipstick canister that one of the girls discovers in a bathroom. Yes, the exact same lipstick case from the first film that was ingested by a demon’s boob.  “Ewwww!”  

After a sinus vaporizing mist releases Angela from her lipstick prison, she shows us yet again she can still shake her money maker and puts on a  exhibition at the Halloween school dance.  It distracts people long enough for one of her newly converted she-demons to melt a dude’s hand with her mutant breast grip of death, a horrifying second base move for that horny guy. Meanwhile a  local dweeb with a cult book collection that he picked up on Ebay tries to warn the school’s priest that Angela is real and is out for blood. He even performs his own demon raising ceremony to prove it and nearly gets himself killed in the process. What made him think that the best way to prove the existence of a dangerous demon is by throwing them an open house party? That’s like proving the existence of sharks by wearing a wetsuit made of chum.

Angela starts converting over students to  her demon army via dry humping, french kissing, or decapitations, and not necessarily in that order. The result is more of a demon garage band than an actual army ..I only counted about 4 demons totals so they’re still short a keyboard player. Angela tells Mouse that she’s not as evil as everyone says and has a nice heart to heart talk convincing her to head back to Hull house in her demom-mobile. Angela apparently wants to get promoted to management in Hell’s HR office so she hopes that by sacrificing Mouse she’ll score some Beelzebub brownie points. As she gets prepped for the big ceremony, Mouse’s few surviving friends along with the school’s priest,  the assassin nun, and a dweeb armed with holy water squirt guns and water balloons attempt to rescue her. They end up fighting a decapitated point guard and a giant mutant anaconda instead. Not something they were trained for in Catholicism.

Much like the original Night of the Demons…the movie has a lot of tongue in cheek humor…literally, there’s a lot of ripped out tongues and cheeks continuing the fine tradition of gorey horrey fun. So always remember if you’re hosting a Halloween party in a creepy house and some satanic goth girl starts a dance show, don’t wait around for the encore. You should have learned your lesson from your first demon infested halloween party where everyone died.

Roadside Attractions

-1 Demon Snake creature
-2 failed virgin sacrifices
-2 lady liplocks
-Chin chomping
-Talking toilet bowl heads
-Multiple demon french kissing
-Lipstick possessions
-Reverse breast fondling
-Holy super soakers
-Basketball decapitations
-Holy water balloon fights

rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie

I ordered the three bean burrito platter from Las Tres Amigos and my stomach had it’s own night of the demons. 

HAHA! hilarious the YouTube preview image is some dude in his underwear but really this is the actual movie Night of the Demons 2 and not gay porn.

“Always remember, Don’t Drink and Die. Coffins and beer don’t mix.”

I’m having Halloween let down. No more Halloween horror movie marathons, no more pumpkin carving, no more creepy decorations unless you count those weird inflatable Walmart santas already appearing on people’s lawns, and of course no more candy binges.  arents refer to it as ” safety testing” the  candy, but we all know it’s really just a excuse to raid those ankle biters for all the Kit-Kats they can find. As a kid halloween is amazing. You could dress as a mutant Hell clown and go bang on your neighbor’s door and they’d give you free candy. If I did that as an adult I’d get arrested. I can’t believe how expensive costumes have gotten either. I think next year I should make my son wear a garbage bag and then he can just tell everyone he’s a raisin. It’ll probably earn him a couple used batteries and kethup packets for treats but hey a little humiliation helps build character. Just look what it did for Charlie Brown. You just can’t put a price on that life lesson. So After all the spooky festivities have concluded it’s a tough 2 months wait until the consumer-tastic fun times of Christmas even though the malls started decorating back in September. Yeah I know Thanksgiving falls in there somewhere,  but isn’t that basically just a celebration of over-eating. Shoot, we do that most days anyways. Thanksgiving is just glutony with the added bonus of football and hanging out with your flatuate uncle from Topeka. I Say phooey to you Turkey day and a fond farewell to Halloween. Looking forward to seeing you again next year, but this time bring more Kit-Kats.

In Night of the Demons a group of teenagers have a pretty lousy Halloween, but highschoolers should really learn to not throw parties at haunted mortuaries especially on a school night. Judy and her baboon-like boyfriend, Jay decide to ditch the school-planned festivities and check out another bash hosted by the school’s resident goth queen, Angela. Angela, besides having a creepy joker like smile and a bleak fashion sense is also a chronic kleptomaniac. She shoplifts some party supplies at the local Burp n’ Go along with her tush shakin’ friend Suzanne played by none other than scream queen Linnea Quigly. The party’s final head count is about 8 people total, there’s some finger food and a Spencer gift disco light, so understandably the party fizzles out early. After standing around insulting each other for a few minutes they decide to throw a impromptu séance. Conjuring up ye old Bezzelobub on the haunted mirror hotline is always a good way to liven up any party. However the séance unwittingly unleashes some odorouse spirits into the house who search for the trampiest girls to possess and like moths to a flame end up in Linnea Quigly. It must be getting crowded in there, I suspect she had a couple demons in her already.

Suzzane passes some of that demon spirit onto Angela via an awkward lip lock, then Angela does a  spastic fireside flashdance for Sal, the Italian greaser. His everlasting Budwieser still can’t make her seem any more attractive  so he heads off to explore the rest of the house on his own. Some of the other teens have already split out early to various rooms to do the horizontal mombo. One couple even shags in a coffin thus making the killing that much more convenient for any nearby demons. It’s like getting free gift wrapping when you go shopping at the mall.  Two of Judy’s friends, Helen and Rodger who smartly ditched everyone earlier are still trapped in the house’s front yard surrounded by a never ending wall of doom. Like a couple of 80’s Eastern Germans they hunt the wall for an exit until Helen suddenly disappears  leaving a hyperventilating Rodger to go hide in his car. Meanwhile back in the house, a demonized Suzanne is trying out some creative ways to sample her Mary Kay cosmetic line and Angela who just snacked on a mullet fanboy’s tongue is gliding through the hallways on rollerskates hunting for survivors.  Rodger decides his car isn’t the safest place to hide when a mangled Helen gets shot put onto his roof so he hightails it back into the house. He and Judy  take refuge in the basement which is always the safest place to hide and Judy goes all McGyver-like with a make shift blow torch to fry her demonized friends. The extra crispy demonites chase them back outside as they try to scale the barbed wire wall like a poorly planned prison break. There’s been eye gouging, coffin dismemberment, tongue chewing, and  flame throwing so I’d already call this party a rousing success. Will anyone survive the night? Will Rodger ever live down being dressed like a gay pirate, and what will happen to all those delicious party hors d’oeuvres they left on the snack table? More creepiness  than outright horror with some great atmosphere and campy dialog, I’d consider this a perfect 80’s horror film, Retroman Steve says grab yourself a bag of Kit-Kats and get ready to party. 

Roadside Attractions

-Bovines with mullets
-Demonic inhalant mist
-Goth girls gone wild
-The amazing dissappearing lipstick trick
-Giant demonic easy bake oven
-1 homemade pipe torch
-2 demonic ankle grabs
-Illegal use of a sours balls joke
-Fireside go-go dancing
-Eye gouging
-Tongue chewing
-Coffin smashing
-Hors d’oeuvres of horror
-Barb-wire climbing
-Fresh homemade apple die

rated 10 out of 10 for the movie

Lessoned learned from this film, Mary Kay cosmetic should have a warning label “not be taken internally”

Check out the trailer for Night of the Demons

Well it’s that time of year again and the Lost Highway is out to get it’s fright on. Retroman Steve and Drive-in Dan compiled a list of 10 horror films you should check out for your Halloween season. You already know the typical top 10’s that includes Exorcist, The Shining, Carrie, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, etc. These are some lesser known films that often don’t get the spotlight but are just as deserving to be in the Fright Club. So turn out the lights and spin up your DVD player for some great scares. Just remember the first rule to Fright Club…there is no Fright Club.

Retroman Steve’s Top 5

1. Event Horizon

This ghost story in space is so disturbing it still gives me the shivers if someone even mentions the word NASA. Sam Neil is an astrophysicist who is part of a rescue mission to salvage a spacecraft he designed that can travel the speed of light. Sorry Sam no dinosaurs to chase on this one. The unfortunate thing when you travel at speed of light you have to make a pit stop in hell so the rescue crew has to deal with space demons stowaways that like to mess with their heads. Space camp never prepared them for that scenario. Dark gritty and atmospheric this film will stick with you long after viewing.

2. [REC]

Who knew reading spanish subtitles could be this scary. A Television reporter and her camera man are filming a documentary at a fire station when a routine 911 takes them to an apartment complex. The apartment comes under quarantine trapping the tenants and film crew inside. Things go from really bad to even worse when they discover what’s lurking in one of the upstairs apartments.. It just goes to show that sometimes it worth breaking your lease early. Quarantine is in theaters now which is the Americanized remake but I prefer the original recipe to extra crispy any day.

3. The Entity

Barbara Hershey plays a woman that is repeatedly assaulted by an unseen spirit in her ranch style home as ghost hate stair climbing. After getting a doctor’s note that’s she’s not insane, she invites some ghostbuster’s wanna be’s over that nearly pee themselves when they see hovering lights over her bed. The only solution is to have her play barbie dream house in a high school gymnasium trying to freeze the ghost with a giant freeze gun. Based on a true story it’s got some genuine frightful moments but the final scene in this movie will chill you to the bone. Watch out for freezer burn.

4. The Others

Nothing creepier than being trapped in an old mansion with your overprotective mom. Nichole Kidman plays the obsessive mother in a family that is seeing strange things and hearing creepy noises in their home and no it’s not Tom Cruise and a gang of scientologists lurking in the hallways. The children live mostly in darkness as they have a rare skin condition in which they can’t be exposed to sunlight. A trip to Michigan in the winter would be ideal. Some great scenes that will make you jump and a twist ending you’ll never see coming. Well unless you watch another popular horror movie that has the exact same ending but what are the chances of that?

5. The Mist

When it’s the end of the world who would have thought the best place to hide is your local Piggly Wiggly? Just watch out for the religious cults forming in aisle 8. A struggling artist and his son take refuge in a grocery store as a strange mist descends upon their town. It’s filled with some nasties that are craving some folksy people snack food. Some great monster effects but the real monsters are some of people barricaded in the store who show you the dark side of humanity. A great b-movie with the most shocking ending I’ve ever witnessed in a film. It was pretty fun ride up to that point. After that you just want to crawl up in a ball and rock back and forth and try to think happy thoughts. Based on the short story from Stephen King it’s easily one of the best adaptations of his work in a long time. Foggy mornings will never be the same for me now.

Drive-in Dan’s Top 5

1. Halloween 3

Ditching the predictable slash by numbers routine of earlier installments director Tommy Lee Walace gives us an unexpected treat with this stand alone and unfortunately often ridiculed Halloween entry. The story starts when a mysterious factory complete with eerie green fog sets up shop in the small town of Santa Mira. The good news is you won’t have to worry about these novelty products containing lead paint as they’re made in the USA, not China, but something very sinister is going on behind the factory’s closed doors. It seems the CEO of Silver Shamrock Novelty corporation and renegade sorcerer Conal Cochran is upset that children don’t understand and appreciate the true meaning of the Druid holiday Samhain. So, he devises a deadly trick to punish the little offenders by giving away free Halloween masks inserted with microchips that are powered by an ancient Stonehenge artifact. The little kiddies are then instructed to wear their masks during a special commerical broadcast that turns these seemly cute and innocent masks into instruments of vermin oozing death. In fact there are enough creepy crawlies that the Orkin man would be cowering in a corner sucking and his thumb in a fetal position. Another added plus was having John Carpenter and Alan Holdworth back on board again to contribute a spine tingling electronic score for a film that already maxes out the creepy meter. Beware of the catchy Silver Shamrock commerical jingle that will stay in your head days after you have seen the movie.

2. PumpkinHead

Well, this one doesn’t involve the Peanuts gang or the Great Pumpkin, but it does have a vengeful guord from hell who lives in a creepy ole pumpkin patch that doubles as a graveyard. Late special effects genius Stan Winston in his first directorial effort gave horror aficionado’s a bag full of visual goodies with this masterful tale of backwoods revenge. Staring Lance Henriksen who Before joining the Millennium Group actually played a good guy for a change named Ed Harley who lives a humble life running a small roadside store with his young son, Billy. However, happiness quickly turns into sadness, then anger as he seeks revenge on some reckless city dwellers who killed Billy while they were performing EXPN motorcross style stunts. Overwhelmed by grief and desperation Mr. Harley with the help of a youngin’ from the Wallace clan tracks down an old family friend named Hagis who happens to be a witch. After some small talk about Harley’s soul being damned forever, the old hag follows a closely guarded secret family black magic recipe that starts with a mixture of the victim’s and conjure’s blood that when poured on the mummified remains reconstitutes the dried up demonic raisin like an evil Cup Of Noodles Soup. Once the transformation is complete this unholy killer is set loose to hunt down and destroy all wrong doers using it’s own wickedly delightful brand of dark justice. This movie is overflowing with so much creepy atmosphere that it will be seeping out of your pores. Renowned makeup artist Tom Woodruff Jr. (Aliens, Tremors) supplies some solid special effects work and created a truly cinematic monster for the ages that could rightfully stand next to any classic screen monster from the era of black and white movies. A great film to watch especially on Halloween either by yourself or with a group of friends.

3. Sleepy Hollow

Taking Disney’s animated short “The Adventures of Icabod Crane” into darker territory, Tim Burton puts his unquie visual stamp on Washington Irving’s beloved classic story. Tired of being the butt of so many headless jokes around the village campfire, The Headless Horseman ends his all expenses paid Hades vacation a little early to reclaim his missing noggin and to exact revenge on those who caused him to loose his head. Johnny Depp heads an ensemble cast of veteran actors and does a wonderful job at playing an 1800’s version of Inspector Clouseau who arrives at Sleepy Hollow a non-beliver but becomes a true believer after he uncovers the ghastly secrets behind the events that are terrifying this small isolated town. Contains a couple of genuine scares, several strong performances and some quirky visuals. This is Tim Burton’s first serious attempt at a horror movie and hit a home run with this film.

4. Hellraiser

From the typewriter to the director’s chair Clive Barker brings us a twisted story that will even make your nightmares want to keep the lights on. Based on Barker’s Books of Blood. If you thought being chained to a chair with your eye lids taped open while being forced to watch a Desperate Housewives marathon was torture, then you’ll feel a lot better when you see the horrors that the character Frank endures when he solves the Rubik’s Cube from hell that brings uninvited guests who are sporting fetish and bondage gear lead by demonic baddie Pinhead who has pain and pleasure on his mind. Give this one a view after you’ve sent all the little ghosts and goblins on their way with sacks stuffed with holiday treats or take it to a late night get together on Halloween to liven up a lame party.

5. Childs Play

Long before Chucky got hitched in Bride of Chucky and became a family man in Seed of Chucky, he was a single, wild man on the loose who became a dedicated student of the black arts and even mastered soul-transfering in record time. Known as the Lakeshore Strangler to his closest of friends, he earned this nickname because of the video game like high body count he would rack up during his brutal killing sprees. Filled with suspenseful scenes that are sure to make your heart race at times. Just make sure you haven’t chugged too many Red Bulls. As Chucky, Brad Dourif isn’t just an actor doing a character voice, he makes you belive he is actually a killer spirit living inside in a toy doll. Also, having a real actor portray Chucky inside a costume really made the character come to terrifying life along with some amazing puppetry effects (courtesy of effects wiz Kevin Yagher and Co.) that are so realistic they’ll make your skin will crawl. Hard to believe that it’s twenty years later, but all of the effects still hold up and would put the hokey visuals that most big budget releases proudly parade around to shame. This is easily one of the best killer doll movies in the toys gone wild without out batteries sub genre.

“His attempt to disprove the myth of eating Coca-Cola and Pop Rocks went horribly wrong.”

Road rage is all the rage these days. It seems the closer I get to Detroit the more the cars are packed in tighter together and the more irritable people get.  It unnerves me like being in an elevator with a bunch of stranger except without the added perk of body odor. You get in the lane moving fast and then it slows to a crawl meanwhile the lane you were just in suddenly become the Taladega expressway. Expecting a major pile-up of horrific carnage you finally see what people are gawking at  that caused the slow down to begin with. Just a couple empty boxes strewn across the shoulder of the pavement. No cones, no workers, no crushed cars with body limbs. Apparently the possibility that a menacing cardboard box may leap from the ditch at any moment brings traffic to a stand still. Much like a deer if you see one there are surely more to follow. The lady in front of you is taking on her cell phone and putting on makeup, filing paperwork, and is apparently delicately aligning a nuclear centrifuge system all from her car’s dashboard because she sure ain’t paying attention to the road. Then to top it off I let someone in and I don’t get the friendly hand wave back! the nerve! I let you in thereby saving you at least 30 seconds off your trip and you have the audacity to not return the customary friendly acknowledgement. Flashes of me slamming on the gas pushing their car into the guard rail like a scene out of Mad Max flash through my head, but I hold back the anger and viciously adjust my radio dial. Argh! all commercials except for Michael Bolton, That only boils my blood more.  Sfter slamming my fists on the steering and screaming at the top of my lungs I look around and notice that traffic has thinned out, the cell phone lady has friendly waved me in. Oh look the clouds have parted, a narrow beam of sunlight is guiding my way through traffic and Bobby Mcfarlane is even singing on my radio…eesh, why do people ever get so upset in traffic anyways. Thank goodness I’m not like that.

Speaking of people with rage issues. Jack Brooks (Trevor Matthews) is not your typical plumber…a sort of Mario brother that lacks anger management skills. Ever since Jack witnessed the brutal slaying of his entire family on a camping trip by a bucked toothed grease monster he just can’t seem to deal with things constructively. Trips to Gander Mountain can definitely be crossed off his list of places to visit. Jack is seeing a physciatrist to help him with his uncontrollable urge to punch people. He’s also attending evening science class with his nagging girlfriend Eve to better his education. Eve, played by Rachel Skarsten, seems to be the only person who can single handidly wussify Jack with a couple choice words. This usually would take years of marriage to accomplish but Eve’s got it down pat. Robert Englund plays the class professor who invites Jack over to work on a mysterious plumbing problem at his creepy old mansion. A back-up pipe explodes as a result of Jack’s handy work unearthing a secret crate buried in his backyard. Typical contract worker, I’m sure he’ll charge extra for that too. 

Professor Crowley digs into the crate like a kid looking for the prize in a cereal box. He finds some skeletal remains, a lot of dirt, and of course a live beating heart (those are always the best prizes.) Not finding a organ donor card any other form of ID the professor suddenly eats the heart and becomes possessed by the spirit of an ancient demon. If only he had a hungry man TV diner instead. Even as a possessed drooling demonite the professor is still committed to the education system and heads to class. He’s a bit late though because he had to eat his dog on the way in. No need for a doggie bag, thank you very much. Once at class he starts burping, bloating and throwing up like a bulimic sorority girl at a frat party, that is until tentacles shoot out of his back grabbing students around the neck and turning them into blood thirsty monster through a tube of force fed demon goo. Jack and his girlfriend barely escape tearing out of the parking lot as fast as his old van will muster, but upon further reflection through a series of montage flashbacks Jack decides it’s better to fight than run to away like a little girly man. Pipe in hand and tool belt tightened, Jack heads back to the school for some monster killing therapy leaving behind his girlfriend for a hopeful mugging. Lots of monster head bashing and pipe smacking as Jack lets his inner rage go hog wild leading to the eventual big show down with the head monster.

Some great gorey effects that is straight out of a homage to some of the great 1980’s splatter films and a must see for fans of Evil Dead series. Jack Brooks is no Ash and lacks his witty charm, but if my toilet ever gets plugged up with netherworld demonites then I’ll know who to call. Retroman Steve says check it out but bring some liquid Draino and a plunger for those tough hair clogs. 

Roadside Attractions

-1 angry tribal cyclops
-1 girly pen
-Native tossing
-2 Doggie snacks
-Extreme plumbing
-Demon sinus vaporizing mist
-Tentacle lassoing
-Demon-goo beer bonging
-Monster head bunting
-Jabba the Hut look-alike contest
-Axe throwing
-Heart munching
-Obligatory creepy hardware salesman warning of doom

rated 8.6 out of 10 for the movie

See Jack run…run jack run.

See Jack smash monster with drain pipe…..smash Jack smash.

Check out the trailer for Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer